Depression & Hopelessness of having just a normal life

[Tizzy]

This is getting unbearable now.  I am nearly 67 and have had Depressive Episodes ALL of my life.  I never feel like I have enough energy to do anything. 

I can’t escape because I can’t hurt the people that I love like that, but waking up everyday to this constant overwhelm, irritation & anger and sadness is so draining. Battling my mental health seems pointless sometimes. I see how others live. They don’t all have these issues. I don’t mean to be selfish or pitiful, but why me? Being alive just doesn’t seem to make sense to me.  I haven’t ever felt “normal” whatever that is...just waking up each morning with some kind of joy or anticipation would be a start.

I have been married for 46 years but want to separate from my husband.  Ive had enough of his gaslighting and selfesh ways but i cannot financially support myself.  I am nearly at Pension Age but that's probably not enough for me to manage an independent life with a roof over my head.  I live for my children and grandchildren but they all live in different cities.  I have lived here for 31 years but even though i know quite a few people i do NOT have a friend.  Nope not one...not here...I do have one but she does not live here, although we are in contact weekly.  I have too many things wrong with me to fix.  IVe tried all kinds of therapy and medications and although they have helped a little at the time nothing has worked.  I read about this new treatment coming available soon and I maybe can try that BUT I live in the Country NSW - so you think there will be a trained person to oversee this here...NOPE again I will miss out.  I"ve had enough...I am exhausted and sick and tired of my life and my husband and my future.

[therising]

Hi Tizzy

I wish I was sitting there beside you, having a long discussion about 'normal'. My heart goes out to you so much as you try to make sense of everything you're feeling, while you're experiencing what feels so soul destroying.

I've found the people who tend to struggle most with 'normal' are deeply feeling or sensitive people (those who have the ability to feel or sense beyond what's regarded as 'normal'). It's amazing how you can get a whole stack of feelers or sensitives together and all of a sudden you all vibe with what's completely normal for each and every one of you. Things start to become much clearer with the revelation 'I have never felt normal around insensitive people who can't sense, never felt normal around those who feel no need to raise others in strategic or significant ways, never felt normal around those who are purely self serving etc etc. I have always been the odd one out, being sensitive, a feeler and largely selfless'.

Being a sensitive gal at times, I've gained a variety of perspectives over my 54 years on this earth. While I find certain angles of psychology to be brilliant and incredibly helpful, at times it can fail to address what's normal for certain people. And while biology or chemistry can be fields just as brilliant, offering great explanation in regard to how we tick, such subjects also don't cover what is entirely normal or natural for some people. So, what is natural for some people (in the way of mind, body and nature)?

Some people are naturally imaginative, naturally sensitive (able to sense), naturally intuitive and naturally so much more. What does psychology, biology or chemistry offer such natural people? A take on their 'disorder' or their 'dysfunction'? Trying to 'fix' someone who's not 'broken' doesn't work. If we're led to imagine a marriage that's never going to change, based on what our husband leads us to imagine, is our imagination really all that broken? If we're led to feel or sense a depressing relationship, based on what our partner leads us to feel or sense, are our feelings or senses really all that broken? And if the voice of intuition, through inner dialogue, tells us 'Things have got to change', is hearing internal guidance really a problem? I've found the problems can sometimes come down to not knowing how to use the imagination, not knowing how to sense or feel constructively and not knowing how to tap into what it is we need to hear (through inner dialogue). What if you're actually an absolute 'natural' and the least broken person you know. What if you have always been a  natural, the whole of your life, and no one's ever shown you how to excel at being a natural seer, feeler and intuitive. ❤️

[Trying]

Hi tizzy. I'm 67 too. I'm single now but have an amazing family that I love. 

They know I have issues with anxiety and depression, but I didn't think they request the extent as I put on a great facade. And I don't like to worry them. I've always been a leader, independent and capable. 

I'm twice divorced. Both just wanted me for an easy lifestyle. I had great jobs and earned good money. I'm on my own now and my grandkids and great grandkids are my everything. 

Ive moved to the middle of no where to be closer to them. But I'm still lonely. 

I'm happy to chat and be your friend if you want xx

[Ally_A]

I know exactly how you feel. I wish I knew the answer but I live with the same as you. Its exhausting to say the least.