Current Struggles

[DepressedNoEnd]

Posted this earlier as a reply but adding as a main post as only got one response and any other advice would be good.  What I find hard is the constant interactions and criticism, really not good....sorry to bother....

Sounds pathetic, but I am just absolutely sick of family life, I am sure I would be much happier on my own.  Wife and 3 children all close in age, eldest is 11.  Boys constantly argue, daughter okay but my wife and I are also fed up of each other as well, just a constant constant continuous grind.  Earn money, spent before I get it, until next pay day, I work two jobs.  Alot of pressure is financial pressure but not all of it, getting abuse from boys, if not one its the other, constant I hate you etc, wont read, do school work, be obedient, leave me alone…..  They do plenty of clubs etc.  Its horrible, work is a relief, people treat  you like normal there.  Come home and I just cant stand it, I want this that and the other...  Mid 40s renting, just seems like no end, been on anti depressants 5 years, used to be happy and very fit doing running 40-60km a week or so, now just eat and have 25kg plus to lose.  I think its the children that I just dont like, we got on fine more or less without children.  Just wish I woulndnt wake up some days, got to be realistic, ideally our/my own house with an annex would be great and we could both get some time away but in small place renting and the constant noise drives be batty so I have a noise cancelling headset as work from home a bit and means dont hear the children.  I realise I must sound selfish as my wife calls me every single day, but its completely miserable, every day.  I absolutely hate family life, not saying we dont have any some good times but its the constant grind and wining about everything that gets me down, had a few days away with work a while back, really enjoyed it not seeing them, read some books, ate better and went to some classes in local gym.  I am trying to turn it around and just joined a gym as have a lot of weight to lose and got to start somewhere but sometimes I wish they would just leave me alone and I didnt have a family.  I know I should be grateful for a family etc but its just pushing me to my limits.  Dont know how to turn this around…any help much appreciated, thank you for your time in reading….. 

[Annabelle]

Hang in there. Sounds like you are going through a difficult time. 
Your family is at a very full-on stage of life & the pressures are huge but it won’t always be like this. 
The urge to escape can be tempting but I did, & I regret it. 
In hindsight I wish I’d taken stock, & in my case, simplified my life, addressed the relationships at home, asked for love & support from partner & respect from kids. 
Saying I hate you isn’t ok, it hurts.
Also sounds like you’re aware & realistic & making an effort to improve little things like your fitness etc. 

Simplifying life - ditching everything (activities & stuff) that we thought we needed but really didn’t, might have made the difference. Good luck 

[therising]

Hi DepressedNoEnd

Your post led me to open my mind to a number of revelations. While I consider a lot of what you're saying, as my heart goes out to you, a few revelations that come to mind are

• How depressing family life can be at times, legitimately. While we can be thinking 'What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way, when everyone else appears to be coping?', what we can be facing is a set of dynamics that can be depressing. Logic dictates 'The dynamics have to change. There's no choice'. Medication only does so much 
• How parents, kids and partners forget. Parents forget that kids are people. Kids forget that parents are actually people too, human beings who have feelings and struggles of their own. Actually, it took me years to wake up to the fact that my parents were kids once, with all their own dreams for the future. Partners forget that there's no automatic knowing when it comes to how to do the partnership stuff, especially through the toughest of times. The question perhaps is 'In what ways are we meant to become more conscious of each other, so that no one's suffering too much?' Another way of putting this is 'Which members of the family need a call to consciousness (aka 'a wake-up call') and in what forms does it need to come'?
• What a minimal number of life skills and much needed revelations we can have. Every time I face a significant challenge (whether it be anxiety inducing or incredibly depressing), I'm led to wonder 'Okay, what am I missing here?'. Whether there are much needed skills I'm missing or the entire gist of the life lesson going on, the anxiety or depression remains until I've gained a skill and/or revelation

As a mum to a 20yo son and 23yo daughter, I can relate to the question just about every parent gets asked, 'Who's your favourite?'. When it comes to the family dynamic, we can throw our partner into that mix too. In the earlier years I would have said 'Definitely my son', possibly a bit like your daughter. In hindsight, at this point of my life, I'd answer differently. My son is my favourite 'Bringer of a sense of peace and ease'. My daughter is my favourite when it comes to challenging me to develop in so many ways (patience, sense of reasoning, communication, sanity, open mindedness etc). My husband's my favourite in regard to testing my sense of commitment and boy have I been put to the test over the years🙄. I've learned that while the most challenging members of the family can just about send you insane, while you're being pushed to develop through the challenges they present, the 'Bringer of a sense of peace and ease' is the one who gives you relief while you rise to meet those challenges. They're the godsend amidst a 'hell on earth' experience.

If you could change at least 3 things in the household, what would they be? For example,

• If your partner's a stay at home mum but all 3 kids are at school now, could her working a few hours a day here and there during school hours generate more income and allow you to drop one of your 2 jobs? Btw, I was a stay at home mum until I just couldn't afford to be anymore
• If you could have an hour or two just to yourself after work each day (some alone time), what would that mean to you?
• If you set the goal of running a marathon in the future, what members of the family need to sacrifice certain luxuries in order for you to afford some new gear (good runners especially)?

I believe one of the hardest things to do as a parent and partner is re-member ourself (put ourself back together, incorporating some of the parts that used to bring us so much joy). Sometimes we can lose so much of ourself along the way 🙂

[DepressedNoEnd]

Thanks so much for your kind words, greatly appreciated, have a great week!

[DepressedNoEnd]

Thank you so much for your response, I have read it many times over the last month or two, we are trying some counselling with the children next week and hope things progress, some good days but alot of bad days and we changed our living arrangements in the house around which has helped.  We also used some after school care for 1 afternoon a week which has been welcome.  What frustrates me is the pettiness of a lot of it, so time and energy consuming, we have also tried some Bible study in the evenings.  Have a lovely week!

[therising]

I'm glad to hear you're making constructive changes. Definitely not easy to make significant changes when all we can be looking for is a sense of ease. Can take time and work to find that ease which can initially feel testing at times, that's for sure.

I think we're extremely fortunate to have been born into an era where there's not only the chance to study the bible and Jesus' teachings but also jump straight to a specific question and have the answer at our fingertips (thanks to the internet). For example, while suffering through so much noise at home, you could Google 'What did Jesus say about noise?'. Having just Googled this question😁, I'm led to believe he said nothing specifically about noise but did point to the importance of silence or quiet times of prayer or meditation. I can only imagine that when meditating on why he was suffering at times or meditating on what his challenges were really about, he prayed for the answers to come to him. I personally find there to be four key reasons amongst many for why the answers don't come so easily at times

1. It's not quiet enough for them to be heard. A noisy environment or a noisy mind can be a challenge
2. Certain emotions can create a block, such as a sense of stress, hopelessness, anger and more 
3. The wrong perception can be a factor. If the mind is closed around false or destructive beliefs/ideas, it's not open. It's easier for answers to enter into an open mind
4. Not imagining in ways that are going to serve us. For example, having been raised Catholic, I was only ever led to imagine prayer as being a one way thing. Kinda like you pray to God. This leads me to...

At 56, I'm more so what you'd call a 'spiritualist' these days. Having developed the practice of meditating on my challenges and sometimes my sufferance (what it's about), I've not only discovered that the answers can come through such meditation or prayer but finding those answers comes from asking exactly the right questions. Then it's a matter of opening the mind in order to hear or see what naturally comes to it. I recall a few years back when I meditated on why I was experiencing significant anxiety in my life, to the point where it was leading me to feel constantly sick. While praying for what I needed to know, what suddenly came to mind was a room full of clocks all ticking away. In my imagination, the noise was deafening and overwhelming. I could feel it through my nervous system. The revelation related to how I was managing my time (that's largely what the anxiety was about). I gradually removed from my life what was not worth my time and attention, which brought a sense of relief and greater focus in relation to the things that really mattered. 

In your search for a sense of ease, perhaps a Google search regarding 'How to pray for answers' could offer a few key revelations that may come to serve you.