Chronic Depression

[M-aggie]

I dont want to be alive anymore, im tired. Everyday Im trying to convince myself life is good and worth living but it's a constant struggle. Im having bad dreams more often and I have trouble falling asleep. I often think that I'm a bad person, that I'm rude and dumb. I want so badly to contribute something to society but I dont think I ever will, Im not special, I don't have talents. 

[therising]

Hi M-aggie

I've found sometimes it pays to trigger people to a serious sense of wonder. What I mean by that is the next time someone says 'How are you?', depending on who it is it can't hurt to say 'To tell you the truth, I've been wondering why I've been struggling quite a bit lately. Maybe you can help me work out why'. The kinds of people who are triggered to wonder will typically be those who deeply feel for us and/or those who love to solve a good mystery. Either way, we're not being left alone to wonder about why we can be struggling in so many ways. Sometimes we can be led to consciously recognise exactly what our list of struggles looks like. While we may have thought we had just a few things on that list, a friend or some other wonderful person may point to a whole stack of things that can explain a lot of the reasons for our sense of exhaustion and/or sense of feeling so lost. In other words, you could say 'I knew I was sensing some seriously depressing factors, I just didn't know precisely what a lot of those factors were until now. No wonder I'm struggling'. 

I think the people who really care about us may initially sense how down we feel (when we mention it) but then stop sensing that in its entirety in order to get a feel for what's going to raise us to a difference. They are able to feel for us in more ways than one, our emotions and our needs. The world is definitely full of different types. There are those who'll do what I just mentioned or those who'll say 'That's no good' and leave it at that, those who don't want to sense how down we feel and therefor not visit us, those who obviously bring us down with their words and the list goes on. We want the open minded wonderers on our team, the mystery solvers, the feelers and the raisers. Everyone else is questionable. Took me a long time to figure that one out, decades to realise how questionable some people can be. I think the most questionable ones can be those who know we're at rock bottom in depression (at some time in our life) yet simply say 'They're so negative all the time'. I question why such people can't occasionally feel the need to meet us where we're at, so that we're not feeling so lost and alone in the dark. Whether they bring with them (into that deep dark well/depression) the opportunity to vent, a tissue to wipe away our tears, a sense of wonder or even an action plan to help raise us, the main thing is that they show up. The keepers are the ones who show up, not those who leave us alone.❤️ 

[M-aggie]

That’s actually really helpful therising. I never thought of asking people for help in such a way. 

[M-aggie]

I read through your threads, I don't know if I fully understand all of them. I am feeling better right now as I talked to my friend yesterday and was able to speak about my depression and how its been affecting me. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it didn't destroy the relationship with my sad topic of discussion. He listened and asked questions to get me to open up more. It made me feel seen. I have spent the better part of a month in a depressive episode trying to 'snap out of it' trying to fix my depression on my own with exersise and surface level socialising, and never asking for help not even from my therapist or family. I'm still nervous to talk to my therapist about how I've been feeling because I dont want to be regressing but im not going to get better unless I talk about the things I don't want to talk about.

[therising]

Hi M_aggie

I'm glad you felt a weight lifted when talking with your friend. I think sometimes when we open up more we can be led to consider things we've never really considered before. For example, we could say to a friend 'I just feel so empty'. That friend could ask 'How do you feel empty?', which can lead us to the answer/revelation 'There's just nothing of real substance filling me up in life'. We can discover to some degree what the emptiness is about, when talking things out with someone.

Maybe it's worth mentioning to your therapist that you don't want to feel yourself going backwards. Perhaps they can lead you to see things from a different perspective. Kind of like 'In some sessions we're going to go back in time, in order to identity key points that can offer you reasons for why you think, feel and act in the ways you do'. In other words, it can be about gaining knowledge through hindsight (looking back). While we didn't have a therapist/guide with us at the time such events took place, now we do while revisiting them. We've got someone to help us make better sense of things and how they impacted us. I can relate to your apprehension, as I'm not a fan of going back in time (in my mind) to things I'd rather forget. Sometimes it's about gaining a sense of release from those things or a sense of liberation. Some things can definitely keep us captive in a certain mindset. 

M_aggie, by the way, there are times where I've re-read some of my posts and thought 'Yep, that doesn't make much sense to me either😂. I don't know where the heck I was coming from'. Either I don't paint a clear enough picture, which makes it hard to imagine what I'm talking about, or I get so lost in what I'm saying to the point where I'm just all over the place😁. 

[M-aggie]

I am suicidal, I don't know how to stop these thoughts. I thought it only happened if I wasnt productive and didn't look after myself but this morning I got up, had breakfast, did some art, started my laundry, brushed my teeth. I got halfway to the gym and the thoughts just started building up until I started crying. I cry all the time it seems. I do therapy, I take anti depressants, idk what to do anymore, i just want to be normal functioning member of society 

[MariaStar]

Hi M-aggie

I just read your posts, and wanted to say I'm sorry how you feel.  You're so young at 23, I just want you to go out and enjoy life. I still say the same to my now 61 year old self! It's not easy.  But I'm still here, I've been living, mostly for my family.  Don't worry too much about being a 'normal functioning' member of society.  It just appears that everyone else is, but behind closed doors everyone is going through something - whether physical, spiritual, mental, financial, and if they're not then they are striving for more and not satisfied.  People wear masks on the outside, hiding what they are going through.  If people ask me how I am I sometimes answer honestly - I want to be real, other times I'll say as well as to be expected, depending on my mood. Life is tough, I try not to beat myself up, I am what I am.  My depression has also fluctuated over the years, better sometimes, as if it's gone other times, sometimes I think I'm just imaging it. I've been married, I have adult children, I worked, but can't work anymore, have good memories and not so good.

So even though sometimes I don't want to be here, it's just I'm fed up of feeling this way.  But it passes.  I'm still here, "I'm not done" (song by Fever Ray). It's a funny song, they're all in therapy!

Good luck - you're not done.