Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Light9]

Thanks very much Geoff, that is so great that u have it under control with the drinking. I have been pretty good but then last night we had friends over and they all stopped when they'd had enough but I just obliterated myself. Why do I always do this. Needless to say I'm feeling bad about my health and fertility. ..and yes the calories! I'm hoping the anti depressant I'm on won't make me hungry like other ones have...yes if they could come up with one that makes you lose weight I'd be stoked!  And one that doesn't reduce libido even further...that is like a bad joke when we're already feeling depressed! Anyway thanks again for your kind words Geoff and hope you're traveling really well.

L

[fuschia]

Hey guys,

Glad we're all still catching up. Light do you truly believe now is the right time to bring a baby in the world whilst your struggling with atm?? Do you mind if I ask how old you are? It's seems an enormous amount of pressure to put on yourself but I know the desire to have a baby can be b=very strong.

Depression can get a lot worse whilst pregnant and afterwards and all those hormones running through your body (speaking from experience).

Me, well I said no to a family lunch in the park yesterday and then a couple of hours later there was a knock at the door and 6 of my closest family members walked in to "talk about this".

I swear it was like the Seinfeld intervention episode.

My brother wants me to promise him I will not drink for 2 weeks to start with. (They know I only self harm whilst intoxicated). I said its like asking a chocoholic not to eat chocolate for a whole year but yer I'll try....only because I know my pysc has prescribed me calming meds which I will now take the max dose his said I could instead of trying to be the hero as I think it may be calming option instead of the alcohol.

I guess my support net work is growing even more now but that's also more people I could/ can and may let down if I balls up. Will they understand there will be those times or am I expected to be perfect all the time. I'm trying to be perfect.

I'm currently looking for a private health retreat for a week anywhere from the sunshine coast QLD down to Sydney if anyone knows of any please. eg meditation serene surroundings, healthy eating, alcohol free, group meetings, excercise etc etc. I have googled for hours and am finding this really hard to find somewhere as most are $5000-$20000. I really have no spare cash at all but am willing to put up to $1500 max on my credit card for a 5-7 night stay that includes meals etc. I know less than that time won't be long enough for me and I will just have to take the time off work.

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I did another post on this but not one single response so I'm trying again.

Thanks guys this is really important to me and might just be that last chance to save myself as I'm pretty sure I've hit rock bottom. Now 3 visits to ER for self harming and 2 massive binges a week nearly accidentally being killed nearly every time (not from self harm just not safe). I will appreciate any suggestions. ps mental health system have rejected me twice even though I told them I am suicidal as they want to keep me as an outpatient so I do not have that option. TIA

[Light9]

Oh Fuschia I feel really worried about you.  I always get the sense that you are super hard on yourself and just push, push, push.  

I used to be like this (with work) but then I just folded.  I was lucky enough to have someone to take care of things for a while, I understand completely if this is not an option for you...and perhaps pushing on is better in some ways right now too.

I know of a fantastic retreat in Byron Bay called The Sanctuary...it treats addictions and mental health but I don't know the costs etc.  Stunning area for a holiday too.  Ballina airport is the closest (25 mins away), then the Gold Coast airport (1 hour away).  I hope this helps.

Your family storm troopering in actually sounds very caring (even if they handled it clumsily?)  I do like the sound of their efforst at least, you are clearly loved.  I'm guessing your mum isn't calling you a hyperchondriac now.

Please don't worry about letting people down...are you the first born I wonder?  They are often A types and perfectionists.  I wish you would take a step back mentally even if you can't physically and allow yourself to be vulnerable without feeling so bad.

It's a worry how bad mental health funding is if they are rejecting you after the time you have had, how shocking.  I know Tony Abbott is hitting this area even harder.  I'm very sorry for you that you're not getting the support you so need and deserve Fuschia, it's awful to think of you in so much pain.  I'm just glad you have more people understanding and being there for you.  have you got a partner?  Please forgive if you have already mentioned this.

Yes, well it's interesting the baby thing and thanks for your reality check as I'm sure it would be so "full on".  I am 41 so absolutely no time left at all for me.  I am blessed with 5 step kids but I really only feel close to the youngest who is the only one with me full time.  he has autism and is a cheeky handful but he's very cute and affectionate and I really love him....so I have chosen not to have fertility treatment and will leave it to mother nature.  

I have been through a lot of indecidion regarding this matter and decided the one thing I have never had...is family.  I have never had relatives (all in UK), and only one sister.  

Well best of luck with those new calming meds and staying off the draining, dehydrating booze.  Do you walk?  Could be a good relaxant too?

Anyway, really hoping you get a break and start to heal, it sounds like too long now you have carried a heavy load that isn't fair or your fault.

It's great to stay in touch, for all of us

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

Thanks Light.

Looking into a private rehab clinic next week if I can get time off work.

My surprise Family intervention on Sunday has made this all very real and something I can't pretend or hide from anymore.

I have a loving fiancé and beautiful teenage son which I am fighting for. Taking my meds. Was back in hospital last Thursday Don't want to either. Yes I do. But I don't.

Ive had step kids so I know how tough it can be. Hang in there.

So very tired, exhausted and anticipating being "allowed" to take a week of work to literally save myself seems outrageous but I guess that's responsibilities and stuff for you. At the end of the day I still want a job, but I'd like a life all the same.

Day off tomorrow to hopefully sort out if next week can happen.

ps I tried sanctuary in Byron- 5* very expensive. Shame the government can't subsidize middle class people to attend a health retreat that's just not for the celebrity holidays!!

Take care all xo

[geoff]

dear Fuschia and Light, please forgive me as there are so many posts to reply to, that I get so side-tracked in replying to them all, but then this means that I get side-lined and don't reply back to you, and this happens so often, which means to these people who I care so much for, must think that I'm don't concerned for them at all, hell no, I do care for everybody, so please accept my apologies, because posts like yours are very important to me, and also everyone else.

Even when I say to people that I will reply back to them next day, well again I get distracted by other posts, so I feel as though I let these people down, because they might be waiting, and really I do let them down, which I do feel guilty of, because a promise is a promise, but posts that are continual should never be left alone. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Thanks Fuschia and Geoff

Just knowing that we are there for each other when really needed is the most important and wonderful thing about BB.  

Yes step parenting can be hard! Thanks Fuschia...I used to feel like it was all the responsibility with none of the say or real love...but I feel differently now.  

Yes, what a shame the retreats are so expensive, I do hope you find one that suits....perhaps even staying in a lovely local hotel and having massage and yoga for a week to "get away" would be a peaceful alternative.  I have done this myself when my step family all became too much.  I had 3 nights up near the coast and I did yoga at a "Meet Up" group at the beach, swam and shopped (which was mostly just walking around).  The peace in itself gave me so much clarity.

Have you heard of Meet Up groups?  They are free and a lovely way to meet people.  They are all over the world and in every city (practically).  There are all sorts of groups including support groups for everything.  My sister does many of them and has made new friends and people with similar issues who have been a wonderful addition to her life.  Unfortunately, I live in a small town and there aren't any on here.  Anyway, a cheap alternative to expensive resorts.

Well I hope you get that week off and I'm so glad your family are helping you to address your pain properly.  It's excruciating what you are going through and no one wants to see you hurting yourself anymore.  Plenty in life to look forward to and stress is a shocker, so it's no doubt distorting the more positive aspects of life for you.

Thanks again Geoff, you have a huge job and we so appreciate your thoughtful and supportive words...it's good to know we are there in spirit even if life (and other posts) takes over for a while.

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

can you please tell me of the places?

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

Do you mean the Meetup places?  Just look at the MeetUp website and you can see everything there. They cover every interest you can think of! I'm sure you would have them near you if you are near or in a larger city than mine.

Just as i was saying I feel better about being a step parent, I am completely over it again today.  i joined the Scouts so that my autistic step son could get in (as they needed helpers) and he was so rude and disrespectful there...then the next day he told his teachers (and head master to f off).  He is only 8!! I had to pick him up and got quite a stern talking to about his behaviour. 

Then step daughter this morning is whingoing like mad that she doesn't want to be at our house and only wants more new clothes so we take her shopping (even though it's her birthday next week) and she can barely even speak to us because she is in sulky mode....over it!!!!  need a break, then we headed to my dying father in laws home and the ex wife and her new man (and 6th baby) are there.  She owes me $400 and refuses to pay me back, told me to "get it off my partner" (her ex hubby).  He gave her the house when they split but she is a professional parasite and has never really worked, just keeps pumping out babies and living off everyone else.

 Anyway, had enough, thank goodness for anti d's hope your weekend is better Fuschia

Light 🙂

[Light9]

oh and my step son hangs off of me 24/7, i deal with everything when it comes to him and my partner shows absolutely no understanding of why i need a break...the kid goes skipping off to his mum (who doesn't give a damn about him) and gave us full custody and i know that these kids will always love their parents most, it's only natural.  but when i'm doing everything i can it can really bring you down.  i need a break, wish i had my own family.  i also organised a birthday party for spoilt step daughter (at her request) only to have jealous aunty take over AGAIN and change all plans.  I just let her because she has had a hard life but she has poisoned my step daughter which is why she behaves like she never wants to see us, I could not be nicer, her mum would have been nasty too i have no doubt.  sorry for rant, i'm really fed up today, hope you are well though.

Light 

[fuschia]

Im' so sorry to hear about all those family dynamics at least mine don't seem poisonous atm.

I've hit rock bottom. After binging  last Thursday night and having a not so supportive firned come around, we ended up at the casino in Brisbane and I fell from a height, checked myself to am expensive hotel (all by myself), took some calming tabs with drinks from the mini bar and called the ambulance before passing out.

Thursday just gone last week I went out again after binge drinking, collapsed as I was going home and was

sexually assaulted so spent over night in hospital and the day with sexual womens health, tests etc

I cant handle this anymore. I got prescribed the tablets to stop the urges for drinking and its day 2 but what else am I suppose to do to keep me here and alive. My phsciatrist with mental health is next wed im suppose to be working every other day . Im on the new meds (week 2), weaned off the old ones and am waiting to increase, Mental health wont take me in and I cant afford private rehab. I walked into the local hospital Thursday night after it happened (I got into a taxi) to take me to mental health and they were locked so I got to er and layed on the floor in a pool of vomit. Who saw me? Someone I  know? is my secret out? Do I have an STD. This happened 6 months ago and it broke my fiancée so I cant tell him again.

im having a panic attack right night so need to go  have a calming tablet as no alcohol in house and will make me sick.

Why am I doing this to myself? And how more help can I possibly get. I have a care plan for 10 sessions starting june with a phscologist.......help please.


beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.