Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[fuschia]

Thanks Geoff,

Feeling empty and lost. Probably just very mentally exhausted. Made it to the physciatrist assessment. We are weaning a bit slower and increasing new meds so hope I can make it through it all and start to stabilize myself.

I have been told I can't drink on these news meds (1 standard wine is ok and no more than 2 in a day).

Do I want to get better or do I want to keep going down the destructive path of drinking then self harming and putting my self n dangerous situations. hmmm

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

I know two people very well who have suffered severe mania...you just need the right meds, which can take some time to figure out of course...but I'm so glad you have the psych team and assessment too.  

I really related to your last question do u want to get better or keep being destructive etc.. I haven't had alcohol for 2 days but now I'm sick with a cold.  I have to say it does feel a whole lot better not being hung over.....and I still feel embarrassed for my rant on facebook about how bitchy women can be...I even said some need a good slap!  But then a few people agreed haha.  I have never been violent so it sends wrong idea about me, ho hum too late now...stupid alcohol.

I like the dreaminess of it on some days and then on other days I just want to be healthy.  At least my partner has quit...he used to be so bad and even hurt me quite a lot but he feels terrible and has quit so I don't leave.  i don't know where I'd go!  I love him though.  

But yeah, helps that I can have a couple of days off booze and not even think about it (and not have him handing me one).  Will see how I go this week but I would like to finish this month booze free.

I keep thinking how much fun it would be to get in shape.  It must be an awesome feeling to get really fit.  I heard the line "If you can't afford a ferrari...make your body the ferrari"...not that I care about cars! I just thought it could become a new, much healthier and fun addiction??  

Anyway, just a positive thought to get you through the unhealthy booze/ destructive thing maybe.  I hope the team gives you some much needed relief, you really sound very desperate for some help now and my heart goes out to you Fuschia.

Just keep at it if the first lot of meds etc don't work.  It can take time and good health always helps too.  It is a much happier feeling when we are in control of ourselves really.  

On a more holistic note....do you take care of what you eat?  Making a 'super juice' with lots of good stuff like spinach and kiwi, orange and chia seeds/ spirulina...can really calm the nervous system down...also an alkaline system helps (lemon juice and almonds very good for this too).  I have a nutrition background and I know how powerful biochemistry/ food is, not just more and more meds...just a thought.

Geoff, thank again for your kind words..yes distant mothers are quite bizarre, you'd think they would care but some had them too early then resented them perhaps.  My mum has always been more about friends, playing bridge and having affairs behind my Dads back!  So many destructive dynamics in my family but great to get some distance now for once.

So how do you drink now Geoff?

Keep the faith Fuschia, maybe we can find balance in all things and be really happy too

Light 🙂 

[fuschia]

Thanks for responding Light,

I do eat super healthy. Heaps of salad and vegies and lean meat. I probably just eat too much of it sometimes. I'm open to extra suggestions though. Not sure about the juices (maybe I wouldn't mind them but I don't have a juicer). I eat nuts, mainly almonds and sesame seeds, seaweed (sushi).

I'm hopeful for these drugs to work and I don't want to think negatively but if they don't work Im scared as to where I will end up.... maybe no job- then no one will want to employ me knowing my mental history blah blah but that's negative thinking and I don't want to do that but its always there.

I don't now why but I can get a week-10 days at top without alcohol then I get so sick (head cold etc) then as soon as I have a binge I feel better. Is this a chemistry thing I wonder??

ps mothers day is coming up. ive agreed to go out to lunch (four generations) and play happy, gives me the anxiety already sort of. Only coz I know my mum will spot the bandage on my wrist Ive been hiding. Bing, she just text me back....off to read the text...

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

That's great that you are very healthy, yes I am overweight by about 10 kgs and don't always eat right that's for sure!!!  I ate an entire large bag of Smiths BBQ chips last night yuk!  I find blenders are better than juicers anyway, coz u keep all the fibre in too.  I'm into buying Black rasperry powder (huge anti oxidant and prevents a number of cancers apparently), and spirulina and pea protein powder (I try to be vegan/ veggo).  I watched "Forks Over Knives" documentary and that was it for me...it's all these leading nutritionists talking about their findings on animal proteins and the study of different populations...I really found it interesting..anyway!!

Just wanted to drop a note on Mother's Day to say I'm thinking of you and well done for facing the troops.  The more I think about it, the more I realise that your efforts are a reflection of who you want to be...even if they are not as kind sadly.

I sent my Mum quite a dark card really.  It had these two little bugs on the front in a lounge room setting...one was jumping on the couch and the other was swinging from the light shade. Then open it and a big bug was sitting in a lounge chair and the little ones were gone....the caption said "Parenting can be so hard it's any wonder bugs eat their own!"  Then I wrote how grateful I was for everything she had done for my older sister and I.

Of course my Mum sent a text saying "Looove the card, sooo funny".  She would have received it as a joke and a generous statement of sorts I think...totally missing my darker feelings...but that's my Mum, as long as she's happy....and violent and self self absorbed.

She did ring me too yesterday....I had my first chat with her in 6 months.  I really didn't want to but managed to be civil enough.  I don't know if you've read my earlier posts but she had me sent away in a loony van one week after losing my baby when I visited them in Perth.  Long story... my mum bi polar, my sister too plus schizo affective disorder.  The level of dysfunction is unbearable and officially too toxic to ever go back again.  They are happy sweeping me under the carpet and have always been that way...it's easier than dealing and makes me feel like garbage.  There is so much more but that's basically it.

Anyway, let me know how it goes today and sending you strength and self love and not buying into any of their stuff...

Peace and best of luck Fuschia

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

Hey Light,

I have recently read up on your history in particular with your mum and it sounds close to home and chilling. I believe it would be best for you to stay away from them if they are that toxic. Not to hide from your issues but just not to rub salt into the wounds.

Today went ok I guess. Mum refused to drive (which she had previously offered)so I drove us all out to lunch (over an hour drive) and all she did was complain about my driving the whole time. Very irritating but I shut my mouth. BTW I am a very good driver !!

I guess I know I can't blame my mother for how I am but when I start my new round of cognitive therapy I will explore it (again). She still has not asked why I was sick last week, or why I was in hospital twice in the last fortnight (though she may not know) and I hid my wrists with a long cardigan. I certainly opened up for discussion in my texts when I tried to reach out to her the particular the last few weeks but I think its all just too hard for her so she pretends there is nothing wrong with me and says Im just a "hyperchondriac". I didn't want her fake sympathy that would only consist of something like "well that's just stupid wasn't it"!!

Yep depression and anxiety and self harm and alcohol abuse are stupid alright lol

I like the subtly of your card, and how you probably felt you were getting a secret dig in ??

I couldn't bring myself to write a card for the first time ever. But I did pick a heap of flowers from my garden to give to her.

Well I need to loose 25kg so I'm interested in your smoothies as I do have a blender. Starting yoga next week so hoping meditation will start to help.

Hope your well xo

[fuschia]

Not getting enough help. things are getting bad again tonight. next pysc app on wed but only about meds. feel like crying. when is this going to get any better???

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

I don't know where the time has gone, I can't believe it's already Thursday.  I'm sorry I have been so slow to reply (esp when you have had a bad time of it too).

Just quickly, yes I sent my card to Mum as a subtle dig (! hehe) but I guess she chose not to see it that way.  It's much easier for her to pretend everything is fine, she doesn't give a damn either way I know that much. I almost couldn't send one, if I lived closer flowers would have been much better like you chose.  I think it's wonderful that you even took your Mum out for the day when she has treated you so coldly.  (You said it isn't her fault, but are you sure about that?)

I was SO bad last week, suicidal in the extreme, it was very scarey.  I have come off anti depressants because I'm trying to conceive and was worried about taking them, but I have to be on them and I know it....suffice to say I cannot believe the difference in how I'm feeling this week.  I really need them oh my lord, I won't come off them again.

So this leads me to my next question for you, because I really feel your pain Fushia, and it's so awful when it feels so acute, I know.  So are you taking an anti depressant?  I'm guessing from everything you have written that you have so it's probably a slightly silly question.  I just know the difference it has made in my life already.  So perhaps you are trying to find a suitable medication regime instead?  I really hope they can sort it for you asap, it's no laughing matter when we are trying so damn hard to cope without any "let up" as you mentioned.

I have even been for a walk the last 2 days...just to drop my step son to school...but that's amazing for me.  I'm so pleased, I'm actually feeling quite bright...like I said, it's gone from night to day truly, it's remarkable.  My sister tried to call last night but I'm not interested.  She takes no responsibility for how she has treated me (even though I know she feels bad)...I think they are all probably shocked that I've found my limit after so much abuse over the years.  Unbelievable.

Anyway, I think you have proved to be a fantastic daughter by doing so much for your Mum, I also need to read through more of your posts/ history...but what I've read so far felt so close to home and so I really think you have struggled for a long time, and justifiably so. 

Well I say I'm 10kgs overweight but you could say 25kgs also!!!  I was always 60 kgs, now I'm 84kgs!!  But I was in my early 20's back then and it's just not humanly possible!!!!!  

Ok, better feed my step son, please stay in touch, I know we haven't met but when your pain is bad, you need tonnes of support I really do understand and have been so bad these last few weeks.

Much love and strength

Light 🙂

[Light9]

P.S wonderful that you are doing yoga/ meditation...I should try to get to one this week too, that really would be something for me so thanks for the inspiration I need it.

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

Oh no, it's so strange I wrote a reasonably long email and it doesn't seem to have sent to you.  Just the p.s did!

Just quickly coz I have to get step son ready for school, I was saying how bad I was last week and how much better I am this week now that I have recommenced on anti d's.  Are you on them?  I expect you are and just needing to try different meds now?...my sister was very manic and after so many trials a mood stabiliser was the winner, which my mum seems to respond so well to also.

My heart really goes out to, I really feel your pain, and I think you have been amazing even being there for your mum when she hasn't been that warm or wonderful towards you.  I wouldn't be so sure that your problems are all your own as you suggested.  Implying that you are a hyperchondriac...when you are obviously in a lot of pain (and reaching out for help on BB) is inexcusable in my book.  I feel like she has brain washed you to be hard on yourself.  You are in a lot of pain....and coping so well considering how much you have to deal with.  I always get the sense you are very hard on yourself which makes me sad because I know only too well, that those people who have been humbled too much by life and people are, well....too humble, even if they don't appear to be.

Anyway, I'm annoyed my first email didn't send....what else did it say...oh yes, that was def a subtle dig on my part when sending that card to my mother...!! But she could care less, she is so detached and self absorbed it isn't funny.  Not to mention completely mental!

Anyway, I went from VERY badly suicidal last week to feeling like walking and being happy this week, I know I must stay on these meds....(I really hope they can get your meds sorted, it makes such a difference I have found).

Ok sorry this is sort of rushed, yes I'm staying well away from my family, my sister tried to ring the other night and I just ignored it.  I have decided until one of them says sorry for what I have endured all these years (my entire life) I am better off staying well away.  Cards are hard to write, if I lived closer flowers would have been much better...but I think your mum sounds so critical and awful and has clearly brain washed you to be so hard on yourself that she was lucky to even see you that day.

A beautiful, warm and balanced mummy would have raised a happy girl, just remember that and don't beat yourself up too much.

Oh yeah, I said 10kgs overweight but I would love to get back to 60kgs like I always used to be...so yes I am also 25kgs overweight!  I keep reading about coconut oil and it's benefits for regulating weight/ hormones so now I'm putting it in my coffee and it's yum.  Might make some banana bread with it too, gee I'm much better just looking at how I'm typing now...I hope they can sort your meds Fuschia, you really deserve a break.  It's great for moods/ the brain too.

Much love and a big cyber hug, hope your day goes really well you deserve it.

Light 🙂

[geoff]

dear Light and Fuschia, how time passes so quickly, and so many new posts that arrive on the site, so I am so sorry that I haven't kept up with your communication between each other, but it was a joy reading your new comments.

I do wonder whether females are more prone to putting on weight with antidepressants, but I'm sure that the manufacturers would be trying to overcome this problem, because the first AD that is released to solve this concern would be the biggest seller, it sounds like selling the first true diet that actually works and continues to work without any hassle. lol

You asked me how I drink these days, well as I have to go to bed early, because of the amount of medication I take, and that's at about 3.30pm ( baby hours ) I drink at about 1.00pm, the time I log off, for an hour or so, which is enough for me now, and much different to when I had depression, when it was non stop.

That's how I mention to people to be able to drink on a social level, because I know that I can and will drink in the afternoon, because at first if someone is told not to drink alcohol at all, then there is an enormous pressure on them to stay off it, but if you know that you can later on in the day then this pressure is not as strong, and then your satisfaction will be adhered to.

Keep going girls it's always great to read your posts. L Geoff. x