Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[Light9]

Hi F

that's great that you have limited to twice a week drinking, much better.  i have same issues.  please stay in contact on BB if you feel you need to talk...you sound like me...a self coper for way too long.  great that you have that team in place to keep you on track, thanks for sharing i didn't know about that.

also great that you know only the first few drinks help and the others make you more manic...i find saying "treat it like a treat"...(and not just something i can keep having when i like) helped a lot.  like chocolate, it's an occasional treat..

keep up the great work and positive approach, it will get better now with so much proper intervention for you..

L 🙂

[fuschia]

Geoff, I have only ever been a 3-6pm starter with the drinking. Unfortunately I binge a large amount in a very short time which is why I get myself into so much trouble with my then behaviour and lack of control. Anxiety starting to mount again this afternoon at work but I bypassed the bottle shop and quickly made dinner which consisted og a massive plate of veggies and chicken and ate so much that I feel so full that I now physically have no room left for fluid in my stomach so rules alcohol out for another night now. I wish now though, that I could cope another way with the anxiety, so here I am talking about it in the attempt by expressing myself and getting it out, it will help.

ps light9 I did add in a piece of chocolate cake afterwards - that in itself I can limit to just one!!!

pps my mind is still planning my next drink, I just know it. I really feel until I can understand what's going on and have something that counters of initial feeling of relax (that drinking gives me) that its inevitable I will just keep going and going.

Geoff I can go out to dinner and have 1 or 2 wines before dinner if dinner has been ordered when I get there. I guess that's my moments of social drinking??!!

[Light9]

I know how you feel Fuschia.  I know exactly how you feel...to the point where I feel my advice and well wishes are not even worth it - do you know that feeling?  I don't want to be a negative influence at all on this site, yet I feel very lonely (and happier with a few drinks in my belly)....so how can I say well done on only drinking twice a week...I'm drinking now....but when the pain is as bad as it is for me, I have to drink or it will feel worse.  Like I said, I'm probably not helping at all.  I don't have family, or relatives, or children...but I do have a beautiful man....so if you have more than this please talk with them and connect as much as you can.  I'm sorry for this post, I just wanted to reply because I find any reply is better than nothing....and I keep getting nothing!!  Even my closest friends who I have known for years seem so cold.  I have barely shared a thing with them.  I just know if someone told me they were feeling bad (an old dear friend I mean), I would manage to spit out more than 3 lines....you know?  

All the best and sorry for the less-than-uplifting comment

L

[fuschia]

Hi Light9,

You have no idea how nice it is to log on and see someone cares enough to reply when they know I'm not such a great person and not doing so well. I do feel very lonely because my family and work collegues won't understand and don't understand and I don't want to bother them anymore than I already do.

I too have a beautiful man and it is my saving grace I swear.

Not having a good night tonight. I'm really not. Having a few drinks (only have a little) to try and relax but I really don't know how it helps me anymore.

I text my mother and told her I'm not doing so well (she knows my past of depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse and suicide attempts) but she didn't respond for days and then changes the subject. She simply does not want to know.

I'm in the late 30's. I don't want to feel this way in my late 30's. Its been 20years and I think its getting worse.

I feel your pain too. I'm not sure anything could uplift me atm. I guess I know if things are getting to manic tonight I can take one of my "calming pills" but  when they run out, then what??

I feel like I want to have a crumble day tomorrow under the doonah hiding from the world try to control my anxiety but I have to go to work which is making me more anxious.

Acute care team will call me again tonight but I don't even want to answer.

Hope your doing ok.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Fuschia,

I'm here.

John.

[geoff]

dear Light, I know how you feel, so it's alright, and when and if you do start to feel better, then you can decide on your drinking, I needed it everyday because of my depression, it was my only real friend.

Don't criticise yourself, all of your advice and certainly your well wishes are most appreciated to other people.

Take care. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

Thanks for your sweet reply...I'm glad my response helped at all.  My heart really does go out to you.  I was in the same boat, dealing with work everyday (I don't know how I got through that time actually).  But looking back, I actually think the 'soldiering on" made me avoid a complete crash of spectacular proportions.  Maybe it is helping you to stay focussed on functioning well?  I don't know.  I hope so.  I had some really terrible family dynamics happen (again), I lost two babies...and that was it, I crashed...and I haven't been too good.  

It sounds like you have the drinking pretty well under control, that's good.  I ended up drinking an entire bottle of vodka plus 8 girly vodka drinks day before yesterday, then I posted on facebook something about how men are better at resolving things "Packer style" (ie a bust up is quickly resolved between men) and how women can be so backstabbing and bitchy....and the tone was just a bit "off".  I woke up feeling very bad and wished I had never had a drink.  I sat at a park thinking, "this is it, this is my life"...I'm happier living like a derro, enjoying my addictions than anything else.  It was pretty sad really.  It made me realise that I just cannot keep crashing and burning myself with booze.  I need AA....I have been before, but only a couple times.  I can have 1 or 2 no problem one night then I will just go totally overboard another night...

I'm so glad you have a nice man...isn't it wonderful?  I know that if I hadn't met mine when I did, things could be really serious for me so I thank god regularly for mine.  Is there any chance you can work part time?  Perhaps you are.  I too have suffered MAJOR anxiety and have relied on meds for it all my life.  Are you on an anti depressant?  I found these were the best for it myself...for panic attacks anyway.

I'm really glad you have the acute care team there for you, I can imagine resenting their calls too!  But you should probably stick with it if you can, I'm sure they will understand however you are feeling on any given day and support is soooo vital, it sounds like a wonderful service.

I'm 41, so a similar age to you.  Please don't say you're not such a great person, you sound like a lovely person.  We all have our weaknesses and areas where people have treated us badly and we have behaved badly, we all have.  

I cut out caffeine and found my anxiety and insomnia (awake now though at 4am!) got a bit better.  Perhaps you could do that too if you haven't already.

You sound very in tune with your feelings, which puts you in a much more powerful position I believe.

Thinking of you Fuschia and wishing you so well, I think we will both get there, it's a process though isn't it?!

Light 🙂

[Light9]

Thanks so much Geoff

Yes, I have been a big drinker for too long...I have tried AA but not with any real devotion.  I will go back to it I guess.

Thanks again for all your support and advice, it means the world.  Hope you are travelling well and having a good week too.

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

Hi again.

Well Tuesday night went from worse to WORSE. I got so manic and my anxiety got so bad I rung the acute team and asked/ begged if I could come in over night but they said I couldn't and I just have to hang in there till my assessment with the physc on Thursday (today). I told my partner I needed to go to emergency as my medication was not settling my manic stage. Before we left I self-harmed and now the manic stage is over and depression has set in .

Light 9 I can envisage your moment in the park like I was there myself. And I agree about the caffeine. If I drink coffee I go through the roof.

Annyway I took yesterday off work (again) and I didn't get out of hospital til the morning and now anticipating my phtsc assessment this afternoon. I know there will be no instant cure or miracle happen but I just pray I get some understanding of whats happening to me and how I can fix it. Wish me luck x

[geoff]

dear Light and Fuschia, if I can include the both of you, because you both understand each other, and that's great.

I tried AA but it wasn't for me, and if it suits you then that's a start, but after I went to one of these meetings all I wanted to do was to rush home and have a much needed drink, not good I know, but back then I didn't care.

When we are so desperate and feel as though we want the warmth response back from our mum to show that she does love us, but it doesn't happen, then our core basis of our mum lacking in with any love or care, and understanding just rips through our heart, so we are left floundering as to what to do.

I was the same as I hated when the acute team came to our place, as it just didn't seem to be worthwhile, because their main issue with me was my drinking, so I never told them the truth and that I had alcohol hidden in my shed, because they would have given me a lecture, and that by drinking is not helping with my medication, but my medication was the alcohol, and that's all I ever wanted.

At this time when they came my wife was trying her hardest to help me, overcome depression and to control my drinking, but then down the track she gave up on me and moved out and finally being divorced.

I am following both your posts as I can relate to them.

Take care. L Geoff. x