Broken family

[Tam100]

I walked into our lounge room to find my husband consoling our 22 year old son who has been arrested for graffiti. My husband did all the talking and said our son feels terrible and is not in a good space mentally.  My son also shared that he thinks he may have Borderline Personality Disorder. On top of that, he has been caught using AI at Uni and is meant to have an interview about it tomorrow but will defer that because he is not in the right head space.  I didn’t say much because I was letting it all sink in. My husband kept saying “I’ve told XXX we will support him and help him get legal advice” . My son went to his room before I could say anything. I honestly don’t know how I should respond. He has had mental health problems on and off since he was 15. He uses drugs and he has always been difficult to live with. We have another younger son who hates my eldest and they haven’t spoken for 5 years and we haven’t had any family celebrations together because of this.  We also can’t leave them alone together in case they blow up so my husband and I have out our lives on hold for them. Their relationship has brought me to breaking point and now the graffiti thing feels like too much for me to cope with.  How do I deal with my son - give him unconditional support? At the moment I don’t feel supportive. I feel I have nothing left but want to do the right thing.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So, what is the "right thing"? It's a difficult one because he has broken the law and graffiti costs taxpayers a lot of money each year to erase. How can you support your son and at the same time have him punished?

The law will do the punishing but the law is the main part of it not all of it. There has to be a message of non approval for his actions. So that fine line has to be found. Some young people only need to be in trouble with the police once and that is the end of it, others will continue for many years. The elephant in the room is the company he keeps. Highly influential friends could be a starting point.

So when he fronts the magistrate your son will need your support, he/she will want guarantees that your son wont reoffend. Punishment is often a fine, a good behaviour bond (means no reoffending for 12 months or he'll return to the magistrate) or community based order which is helping out with community based work.

What is really important now is not the crime, as I said that will take its course now, but who he spends his time with  that could have influenced him. Overcome that plus the court session and you might stop any further trouble.

He's young, this is a hiccup, he's no doubt a good kid and you are both good parents so... it happens.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome to the forums. I hear you when you said this has brought you to your breaking point and feel that you have nothing left to give. Yet you want to do the right thing...

what would be the right thing to do?

I would probably agree with your son about being feeling terrible for everything. Doesn't make things easier for anyone. I could even say that wife and I had to have a chat with our son after we found out he was failing a subject. But he also felt that he could not tell us. 😞 Not saying this is what is happening in your situation.

Fwiw, I come from an IT background, and it is very easy to go to AI for answers! It is always there at your finger tips. But when i comes to assessments that is a different story. And why he mighr have resorted to that?!? He might want to (if possible) also check-in with student services for help and assistance for a way forward.

Maybe this is rock bottom for him?

But for you... none of this is what you likely would have expected to happen.  And the reasons for drugs, graffiti, using AI are only questions that he would be able to answer.  It’s exhausting and painful to care for someone who’s making risky or hurtful choices. Please don’t forget your own wellbeing: set boundaries you can live with, reach out for support (friends, family, a therapist), and give yourself permission to take small steps rather than trying to fix everything at once.

Listening if you want to chat more ...