BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hey, L

Just wanted to check in and see how you are getting on.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better.

Kind regards,

K xxxxx

[blondguy]

Hey K!

oops!...I did read BPD as Bi Polar Disorder...When joined I didnt even know what BB stood for....seriously. Even now I still avoid abbreviations to avoid confusion

Thankyou for your very kind post and yes there has been a ton of support here with my anxiety/depression. I actually joined the forums to provide support to people that were experiencing anxiety symptoms as well as getting some support on depression after being made redundant from a senior management role

I am not well versed on Borderline Personality Disorder...yet 🙂

Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family K....You are amazing..with a great attitude x

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Paul,

That's so great that you have returned to the forums after your own battle to provide support for others - what a champ!!

Yeah, Borderline Personality Disorder is the WORST, honestly. It's all about being unable to regulate your own emotions, being hypersensitive to all stimulus and having terrible attachment coping mechanisms with other people - it effects every single second of my life while interacting with others.

I am trying really, really hard to stay positive and do as much work as I can to try and keep on top of it - although, as my misery binge breakfast of about half a kilo of bbq chicken wings and a block of chocolate indicates...some days are better than others. 🙄

The most difficult part is the emptiness and loneliness, which is what I am struggling with today. But I am schooling myself into accepting what comes with it and even if I can't change how I feel, I certainly have control over how I react.

Although me lying on the floor, in front of the fridge with my dogs this morning, shouting at the universe about how unfair everything is may be an indicator I am still a work in progress!! 😏

Anyway, thank you again for the welcome - I am hoping I can help out some people too by being honest about BPD. We are all human beings and we all have our struggles. We need to support each other. 😊

Kindest regards,

Kar-Lee xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

I'm still here. I'm not feeling better - I feel worse every day. LIke I'm turning my back on her when she needs me. Even though logically I know that the only way that she is ever going to accept that she needs help is to really hit rock bottom. My life feels completely empty. I'm looking ahead at the weekend, and just wondering how I'm going to get through it. I have nothing to look forward to.

Hope that things are better with you.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

You have done everything you could possibly do for someone - there isn't anything else you CAN do.

Sometimes people don't want to be rescued or want to face the reality of their situation - so you have to let them find out for themselves. It's really hard to watch from the sidelines, especially when you love that person, but sometimes that is all you can do.

You need to protect yourself too, L - the risk of being a sensitive and understanding soul (as I think you are) is that you will give too much and become depleted. I think this is what is happening to you now. You gave and gave and gave...but it didn't achieve what you wanted. It's frustrating and disheartening, but don't let it destroy you. The very traits that are making you hurt now are the most wonderful things about people like you.

Don't let what happened taint who you are because when (not IF, but when) you meet someone truly deserving of your care and support, you still want to be able to do so without bitterness...and, this time, be part of a more equal, healthier relationship in return.

I know you are feeling empty and lonely right now and nothing I can say will take that away...but time will.

Now's a good time to reach out to your closest friends and family. Let them remind you of how important and appreciated you are in their lives and share your burden a little.

Please take care, sweet. It will get better. I promise.

Kar-Lee xxxx

[Deckt]

I am destroyed.

I don't have close friends. When I deleted FB eighteen months ago - due to jealousy - no one noticed, or if they did, cared enough to reach out and see if I was ok. The only family I'm close with are my kids.

I want to believe that this will pass, and will get better. But when? I don't know how much longer I can keep being strong.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

You are by no means destroyed, L.

You are the same, courageous person who puts themselves out on a limb for others despite adversity - now you need to find that strength and motivation and use it to pull yourself back up.

As for your friends and family from Facebook, you have two choices: you can believe they abandoned you (when they may have taken it as you needing space when you deleted it) or you can seek them out and reconnect. Take the first step. You NEED support from the people who know you best. Additionally, you should consider a professional therapist who can look at your situation and give you an unbiased viewpoint and perhaps also to give you a guideline on how to move forward in a healthy way.

There is no shame in asking for help.

L, I can't give you a timeline of when you will feel better, but you will. Remember that.
Like any other loss, you will go through all of the stages of coming to terms with it until you come to acceptance.

You are suffering. You need to let that take its course, as awful as it is, because pain hurts us for a reason: so we learn from what happened and try not to repeat the same actions.

I am an emotional wreck of a human being, but even I know that there is a beginning, a middle and an end to a crisis. You have just got to hang in there for the duration and try to come out of it stronger and wiser.

Give yourself time. Pay attention to how and why you feel the way you do and see what lessons you can find in your observation. Distract yourself, give yourself some TLC - anything that relieves your grief in a healthy way.
(I don't recommend chicken wings and chocolate if you don't like an upset stomach!! 🤮)

Most of all, read back over the inspirational stuff that you have posted here to help others. You ARE still that guy, you are in no way diminished because you need a helping hand now and you will be back to yourself again...in time.

Massive hugs,

Kar-Lee xxxx

[blondguy]

Hey Hey Kar-Lee!

Thankyou for explaining Borderline Personality Disorder...It would be an awful place to be in. I thought that chronic anxiety was bad news... We seem to share many of the same symptoms....What do you do to alleviate the severity of your condition? I havent returned to the forums....I joined in Jan 2016 after being made redundant and have been here since 🙂

I hope you are having a good weekend

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Paul,

Yeah, I have a lot of crossover symptoms that are part of it too - anxiety, depression and episodes of mania if I get too stressed.

What do I do to alleviate symptoms? Three words: EPIC SELF CONTROL. The problem being, of course, that if I am sick or tired or stressed, my ability to maintain that self control becomes impaired, so I lapse into episodes. I lose the ability to maintain the fragile facade that is keeping it all together!! (Sounds dramatic, eh??!! 🤣)

BPD is a lot about poor impulse control - you feel things SO intensely that you react accordingly. I have learned to (mostly) internalise the impulses, but the problem is, it builds up and it's hard work maintaining it. I eventually get so overwhelmed that I have to purge...and off I go on an explosive episode!

The idea is to not get to purge-level stress to start off with. I have to be careful what sort of exposure I have to stress (good or bad, it makes no difference) and be extra careful if I am unwell etc.

Take today for example: tomorrow is my 40th birthday. My lovely aunt tried to organise a celebration of sorts for today with my closest cousins...but I politely declined. Why? I am tired and rundown at the moment, I have already had yo-yoing symptoms of despair vs depression this week and I am naturally an introvert - social occasions are tiring because I have to pretend I am an extrovert. These things all add up to teetering instability so I am not poking the hornet's nest.
I feel guilty, of course, because it was a lovely gesture - but I know how my mind rolls. If I push myself today, I will have nothing left for the psych and dentist appointments I have tomorrow.

So, it's about knowing your limits and (politely) enforcing your boundaries.

I can't change ALL of the things that contribute to my BPD - they are intrinsically linked with my entire personality, which has some pretty good perks to it too, such as empathy...so it's a delicate balance.

My life is about intensity, which is great if that covers happiness, contentment, love and motivation. Not so great if it's anger, despair, loneliness or depression.
But it cycles rapidly, so I know I just have to hold on until the mood shifts...and then it's off on another (hopefully, more enjoyable!) tangent.

Hope that helps explain things. 😊

Hugs! Kar-Lee xxxx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Just checking in to see if you are feeling a little better after the weekend.

You are probably in (or about to go into) the angry and why me? stage....and that's ok.
(You are probably pretty miffed at me and my attempt-at-being-helpful messages too, but I am tough. 😊 I just want to make sure you know you aren't alone.)

Sometimes stuff happens regardless of all of your good intentions and it can be frustrating. The best thing we can do is acknowledge where things may have gone wrong and store that information for a later situation. Then we need to accept that this is the way things are now and make plans for where you want to be, emotionally.

Look ahead, L. See yourself in a couple of weeks calmer and more in control. Hold tight just a little longer until you get to a better place.

Remember those wonderful kids you have - they need their father. 😊

Kindest regards,

Kar-Lee xxxxx