BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Hi K.

Yeah, you're right. She was at a work function just before I saw her on Saturday, which means that I'll be surprised if she has a job on Monday. That wouldn't actually be a bad thing, as she needs to be in rehab.

I can see that, unfortunately, no matter how much kindness and understanding I show to her, it's not helping. All I can do is step back and let the chips fall. It sucks, but there's literally nothing else I can do. I hate it, but I have to accept reality for what it is, not what I want it to be.

Thanks for your kind words.

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Hang in there, buddy. You are in for a rough next couple of weeks as you work through what has happened. Be kind to yourself.

K xxxx

[Deckt]

I am so tired of fighting and trying.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

I know, sweet. 😔

There is nothing I can say that will take away the feelings that you have now, it will be a case, like many things that happen in our lives, of letting time pass to heal our broken hearts.

Just remember that what has happened is not a reflection on the level of effort you have put in and don't let it discourage you.

The saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink," is clearly the case here.

Practice some self care, L - do what it takes to get yourself back to some sort of equilibrium and don't give up! Channel that commitment that you have to other people into yourself for once. You are just as important.

Huge hugs, K xxxxx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Err...In hindsight I should have chose a more appropriate saying - 😬😬😬😬.

My apologies. But you get my drift.

(Crawling under a rock with embarressment)

K xxxx

[blondguy]

Hi Pandora Paradoxical!

Great to have you on the forums and excuse I for being a very late poster on your thread...doh!

You have written an excellent thread topic....I havent read through all of the 45 posts. Just asking if you have seen Kazzls 'This Bipolar Life' thread? (Kazzl hasnt been active for a while) Copy & Paste link below for you

www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/this-bipolar-life

I am not well versed on Bipolar except that it used to be called manic depression. I joined the forums as I was seeking some support with my depression

Love your profile pic 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, Paul!

Thanks for the warm welcome. 😊

I'm not sure if you have interpreted my 'BPD' topic title as Bipolar Disorder - I am actually referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. But since I also have 'reactive mania' (episodes of mania brought on by prolonged stress) and suffer occasionally from depression, I will follow up on Kazzl's thread for sure.

I am up for any helpful information from anyone!!

Wow, you sure have made a lot of posts - you are a real veteran!! I hope communicating on here has brought some insight and relief for your depression.

Kind regards,

K xxxx

[Deckt]

Thanks K.

I'm in so much pain right now. I don't know how much is stress/emotion related and how much is MS related. I just want to sleep for about a week. I'm still checking in, but my energy is so low.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Oh, L. 😔

I admit, when you said that you had a chronic illness, I suspected an autoimmune disorder or cancer - it is the scourge of our age group.

You poor bugger.

You do what you have to do to get through.

If you have the energy, you could do an internet search of my name on here, you might be surprised at what you find.

I know the one thing worse than knowing one BPD person is probably knowing another one, but I can't help caring. It's my thing.

Take care, buddy.

xxxx K

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Of the zuckerberg variety. 😉