BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Hi Pandora,

I know a fair bit about BPD. Have you read "Walking On Eggshells" and "I Hate you, Don't Leave Me"? Both are very good.

From my understanding, DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) is considered the gold standard for BPD. It can be expensive, as it involves weekly individual and group sessions for 6 to 12 months. I'm not sure if it is covered by private health insurance.

I'm happy to chat, if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to.

[therising]

Hi Pandora Paradoxical

It is definitely tough trying to be your natural self in this world. I find being our natural self requires a lot of courage, forgiveness (from others and our self) and really good 2 way communication skills when it comes to honest relationships. It also requires a fair bit of open-mindedness. Unfortunately a lot of this sort of stuff can be a challenge to find.

Not everyone can relate to someone who's seeking self understanding. You can be trying your hardest to understand why you feel hurt whilst that person who hurt you may not have the ability to help you through this analysis. Keep in mind, people aren't always terribly sensitive in ways where it pays to be sensitive. Anyone who thoughtfully and patiently raises us to greater consciousness is a keeper. This could be someone who understands the reasons behind the mood swings and emotions that present in bi-polar, through their own personal experiences. They can relate in a unique way.

Who swings our moods, is something else to keep in mind when it comes to who we surround our self with. Highly conscious people will typically take folk into an upswing or a natural high in life because they naturally know how to relate to people. For example, you can be in an incredible high to the point where you think 'That's it, I feel like a new person. I am going to give myself a magnificent hair cut. I'm going to cut away 20cm of my hair.' People who naturally raise you may say 'You look fantastic, this new you!' Less conscious folk may say 'What the heck led you to do that?!' Boom, down you go into sadness and regret. Personally, I would say 'Go buy an outfit (if you've got the spare cash), to emphasise that magnificent new you!' Naturally thoughtful people will also present us with challenges but they will do this thoughtfully not rudely or selfishly. They will help raise us through them.

Yes, needles in haystacks, these open minded natural people who love raising others. Life is trial and error. There are plenty of challenges. Finding folk who understand what challenges you is definitely worth the detective work. They're out there. It pays to look for those who are longing to discover their natural self. Share the journey together. You may just find that you begin experiencing more highs than lows.

🙂

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Thanks, Deckt!

Yes, I have heard of both of those books and I am endeavouring to read them....the problem is, it makes me feel so depressed when I read about it!!

I just hate the whole idea of it and view it as a failure to control my own behaviour - I am not ME when the episodes happen, I am this frantic, irrational, desperate person who suddenly forgets all of her achievements and experiences at that moment and becomes a traumatised child again....in fact, most of the time I am self aware, insightful and self sufficient. But as soon as I 'read' into those sometimes imaginary signals that other people give me that they may disapprove of me or don't want to be my friend or (shock horror!) reject me completely, my world literally implodes!!

During an episode, I hate myself. I think I am not good enough, I don't fit in, I am an outsider looking in. I am flawed and it is better to fling people away from me before I can be hurt....before experiencing appalling remorse and crawling back to them full of explanations and apologies about something that exists entirely in MY HEAD!! Sometimes they forgive, other times they don't. And I have to force myself to accept that they have a right to protect themselves from people like me. And it breaks my huge heart, because I just want to make it right.

It's embarressing, it's tiring, it's a gross waste of my empathic gifts (I am an INFJ) and it makes me furious (and recently, full of despair) that I seem doomed to repeat the same behaviour, over and over again.

I am pretty sure my mother, grandmother and aunt all have BPD too, so I grew up in a highly unstable environment filled with me fearing for my life on both a physical and emotional scale. And it irks me that at almost forty years old, that these past coping mechanisms continue to dictate how my life unfolds.

I have tried activities from DBT and CBT workbooks I have read, but it seems to ring hollow in my ears because unless I am actively having an episode (or under stress) I feel like I am ok.

Well, until recently. Depression has taken a hold of me, so motivation is at an all time low.

As you said, getting treatment is expensive, both in time and money. My poor suffering boss (bless her a million times!) knows of my struggles and gives me extraordinary lee-way, but I still have to work to survive, so I have one day a week to spare. If I cannot wrangle an appointment on this day (and find the money to pay for it!) what do I do??!! I will literally have to turn my back on interpersonal relationships full-stop because I refuse to hurt anyone else. I am so done with that and would rather be a lonely hermit than have one more casualty to my name.

So, that's where I am at: damned if I do and damned if I don't!!

I want the lonliness and depression to go away and the self sufficiency to return so that I have the energy to fight this off!!

Thank you for your kindness in replying. I really appreciated it.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Thank you for the kind reply.

One of the biggest issues I have with people is that I am completely upfront and open about my condition, but because it doesn't match the person in front of them (because I am too busy being a charming, extrovert-appearing chameleon who has just copied their speech and gesture patterns and to whom they have just divulged their deepest, darkest secret because I am SO understanding and SO full of insight), they often think I am being self-critical or melodramatic...that is, until IT happens. Then they are appalled. Here is this woman they confided in, a seemingly rational and down-to-earth being, suddenly dissolving into a babbling heap of incoherent, heart wrenching fabrications invented from some small slight visited upon her by them. So they run. Quickly. Get away from the mad woman!!

Then the mad woman recovers. And is alone again.

I don't know if I have the strength to find this 'needle in a haystack' person. Every stuff up takes its toll and even careful vetting of suitable people can be flawed. I often wonder whether it is a case of 'just because I can, doesn't mean I should'.

Sure, I come with lots of great aspects but it comes at a hefty price that not everyone can pay. And SHOULD I expect them to?

[Deckt]

Hi Pandora,

I hear where you are coming from. It's good that you are researching and trying activities from CBT and DBT. They are both very helpful. I can hear the empathetic person that is the authentic you. As far as the exercises... I understand that it's frustrating to work on them when you are feeling fine. Try to think of it like this... it's training for an emergency. You wouldn't consider CPR training pointless while you are learning it, just because no one is actually in cardiac distress at the time, right? Mindfulness activities can seem a little dumb if you're feeling in control. But practicing them when you feel fine means that when a crisis comes, the response comes more naturally too.

I'm sorry that I don't have the energy for a more lengthy or considered response right now... having a little crisis myself. Please keep checking this thread though, I will respond more fully when I'm more able. That's a good lesson for you too... make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Self-soothing activities and practising kindness on yourself first.

I hope that things start to look up.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Thank you for having taken the time to write to me at all, Deckt!! Please look after yourself and I look forward to messaging in the future. xxxxx

[Deckt]

You are very welcome, Pandora.

[therising]

Hi Pandora

When it comes to us being highly sensitive: The gift aspect can often see us being extremely sensitive to every word and emotion someone sends our way, so we can help people. The curse - Often being extremely sensitive to every word and emotion someone sends our way, leading to a sense of helplessness. Sounds like your mum and aunt weren't in a position to influence you in the ways of mastering your sensitivity. It's a shame that you have the incredible gift of being able to read and help people but few share such a gift to bring to a relationship. Someone who shares the same ability as you would be able to understand what triggers you and why.

One of the benefits of being highly sensitive - the ability to call people out on comments they've made or certain action or inaction they've taken. An example:

I've a friend who loves to lounge in front of the tv while not at work. I'd often try to lure them out for some sort of activity but most of the time they'd be happy just sitting around. I'd start off all enthusiastic, full of energy, often begging them. Then, I'd find myself watching tv with them much of the time. Then, I'd get bored and resentful and end up beating myself up, eventually with the belief in mind 'I just wasn't worth the effort for them'. I felt worthless. Suddenly, my perspective shifted when I started being even more sensitive. This gave me the ability to read people and situations more objectively. So, I began reading at a deeper level, which definitely challenged my friend. I confronted them - 'You're incredibly lazy outside of work! You say you are tired all the time and do nothing to raise your own energy levels. You don't seek excitement, you trade it for complacency. You are letting your life slip away. Here I am raising you to the challenge to live and you are rejecting it.' OUCH! Did that get a reaction! The truth is I am worth the effort. Acknowledging the truth of the situation at a deeper level impacted my self esteem in positive ways. This is why I've become an observer at times. Taking a step back allows an honest assessment of a situation, where there is less emotion involved. By the way, this friend is now putting effort in.

Is 'observation' a skill or ability you think you can master? It's a challenging one for sure. I'm 49 and I'm just learning to master it now. Better late than never. There are moments where I still get pulled into emotion when I shouldn't but I'm determined to break the habit of a lifetime.

🙂

[Deckt]

Good morning Pandora,

I understand that you are afraid of never finding someone who understands you. The crisis that I am going through at the moment is dealing with my ex, who has borderline. Don't think from that that borderlines are intrinsically unlovable. I did not leave her - she left me. The reason for this is that I have two children from a previous relationship, and she views them as a threat to our relationship, claiming that I must still be in love with my ex-wife, as otherwise I would not see my children. Not so rational, yes?

The difference between you and her is that you are aware of your condition. You are aware that you can get needy and irrational. I would suggest that the right person for you is someone who gets that when you're off, it's your insecurities speaking, not the authentic you. And there are definitely empathetic people out there. I have done an incredible amount to help my ex. I have cleaned up after her car accident (alcohol induced), visited her in hospital more times than I can easily count, gone to AA meetings with her, forgiven her outbursts and infidelities. The reason I have done these things is because I love her, and I know that the times that she has hurt me are about her illness, and not the true indication of who she really is. We've been "together" for two and a half years, in which time she has had maybe two dozen serious outbursts. I am still willing to work with her, but she does not believe that there is anything wrong with her behaviour. A tip as well for you? There's nothing wrong with YOU. Some of your actions may be counter-productive, but you are not your actions.

There's a great author of blogs etc called Nadia Bokody. If you found "Eggshells" a little depressing, try some of her stuff. The forums don't let us post links, but if you google Nadia Bokody, scroll down to her shesaid page (should be on the first page of google results) and find the article she wrote about BPD. It's called "What Living With Borderline Personality Disorder Feels Like". It's raw and honest. Her other articles are also great, honest, but usually more humorous. There's another good one about relationships - if you google "nadia bokody married to the wrong person", you should find it.

Please keep in touch. This will get better, because you want it to get better. That's the hardest and biggest step. It's all downhill from here. 🙂