BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Hi Kar-lee,

I did respond to this this morning... don't know what happened.

I am definitely not miffed with you. Right now, you're the closest thing that I have to a friend. 😞 Not because of anything to do with you - you're awesome.

I'm so tired of trying. The more time that passes, the worse I feel. I know that logically this will get better. I just wish that helped.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

I just wanted to make sure you were still ok with the support stuff - I know sometimes when I am going through crap and someone starts sprouting helpful advice, I literally want to scratch their eyes out, lol! 😏 But then I try to apply it anyway. Every little bit helps.

You poor bugger. Honestly, I think the biggest issue you have at the moment is that you are trying to go this alone. Are you sure there isn't somebody that you can confide to, somebody you can talk things through with?

Sometimes it's great just being able to feel like you are heard, that what you are feeling is valid and understandable. Even just a bit of a spleen vent can be therapeutic!!

If you don't feel strong enough to approach friends or family, maybe a helpline or something similar? I often prefer to do something like that because it is less taxing than in person, with a similar result.

Maybe, as a suggestion - stop trying. Just stop, take things day by day and deal with how you feel as it comes along, rather than trying to force it to go away.

I've had days where I literally narrated everything I was doing (in my own mind) like "I am taking the dogs for a walk. I see a red and yellow bird. I hear a creek in the distance", because it drags you back into the here and now and gives you a focal point to concentrate on.

Sometimes it was just counting footsteps, or multiplying numbers by 2 or whatever - as long as you are engaging your left brain, it is giving your poor worn out emotional brain a break.

That's how I have dragged myself back from a total of three mental breakdowns - it really works. But, of course, it takes a little time and concentration.

Make yourself a nice, safe, regular routine and stick to it for a while - there can be comfort in the familiar as well.

Don't neglect your body either - make sure you eat at least 3 times a day and if you aren't really hungry, make sure the meal counts in regards to nutrition.

SLEEP. I cannot stress this enough! Sleep is the universal cure for every malady, psychological or physical (in my opinion, anyway!) - make it your priority. I suggest something with cow's milk and carbohydrates before bed (both facilitate drowsiness) or failing that, there are natural remedies. I've used 'em all! 😉

I hope this helps at least a little. It takes trial and error to see what brings you relief.

K xxxxx
 

[Deckt]

Hey K,

I'm still hanging in there. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Something that occurs to me is that one of two things is going on with my ex... either she's out there being happy without me - which is good, because I want her to be happy. Or, she's just as sad as I am - which may be the first step towards her getting help. Either way, I win.

It's just trying to convince myself that her being happy without me is ok.... you know Songbird, by Fleetwood Mac? "And I wish you all the love in the world... but most of all, I wish it from myself". That pretty much sums up how I feel for her.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

It's great to hear you sounding a little more like your positive self! You've turned the corner and now you are accepting the situation and seeing the best in it. Good on you!! 💪

I have had a bit of an epiphany this week - I finally got to have an appointment with a lady who deals with BPD. Truth be told, I had an instant dislike of her (I don't know why? 🤷‍♀️) but that actually works out well, because I won't feel inclined to 'mirror' her in order to secure her acceptance and approval. While we were talking, the penny dropped on two major points: 1) Most of my issues stem from being excruciatingly sensitive 2) Pushing myself beyond my natural tolerance levels (which are very low) results in nearly ALL of the negative reactions and behaviours I experience.

So, I suddenly thought - WHY DO I DO IT? What motivates me to keep pushing myself until I crash and burn, trying to do what others do without a thought? It's my own view of what I think is EXPECTED of me by society, family, friends etc. And who gets hurt when they try and reach those standards? Me. Everytime.

As of two days ago, I have decided to drop what I THINK I should be doing and start doing stuff I KNOW is good for me!!

This includes the following:

No relationship with another partner (it is too tiring for me to constantly hold my behaviour in check 24/7 - it doesn't work);
No social contact unless I want to;
Regular routine;
Restricted work hours;
Positive mental stimulus;
Positive physical exercise;
Develop hobbies and interests that I can share online to scratch any social itch.

And, amazingly, after this revelation and feeling like I am actually in control of my own future, it felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to wear the mask anymore or at least choose when I do.

These expectations may have been fabricated by my own mind as I grew up, but their impact on my behaviour and decision-making has been very real. To excise them from me and give myself permission to be the flawed person I am has felt amazing.

I am going with it and will see if it is what is best for me. I can tweak stuff as I go along. But, from now on, I will be looking after numero uno - for the first time in 40 years. 😁

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

It sounds like you are taking some really positive steps. You are right - the only person whose actions you can control are your own. And you can also choose how to react to other's actions. Self-empowerment is a great path towards true happiness.

I would like your advise, though I suspect I know what it will be. It has been two weeks since the last (horrible) time that I saw my ex - dropping her at the police station, intoxicated. I have not heard from her. Naturally, I'm worried about her. I was considering reaching out and making sure she's ok. Part of me feels like that is the most "in my nature" thing to do - I have always been the first to apologise and make peace, even when I have not been at fault. But part of me feels like I would just be offering her another cop-out, and that if she wants my help/love/affection that she should be the one to reach out first.

What do you think?

Thanks,

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Hmm...that's a hard one to answer, because it carries three possible outcomes:

1) You destabilise your equilibrium after going through hell the last couple of weeks...it could trigger you to feel just as bad as you did at the start, especially if you get a negative reaction from her;

2) She hasn't tried to contact you since you gave her stuff back - this could mean several things: she really doesn't want anything else to do with you, she is too stubborn/embarressed/lazy to attempt to change her self destructive ways to keep you and that means you may become frustrated again because your efforts have come to nought;

3) She may take the olive branch and use it to try and pull herself together, with the aim of reconciling with you again.

I, personally, am a 'tear-the-bandaid-off-quick' kinda person, so I would rather sever the connection with someone who has proven to be unhealthy for me, heal and go about not repeating whatever mistakes were made. I, do, however, ALWAYS give people second chances if they approach me to reconcile. It shows that they put considerable effort in and therefore, think our relationship is worth eating some humble pie to keep it.

Look at your motivation for contacting her. Is it because you are lonely? Because you miss her? Because you think you won't find someone else like her? Those questions are all self-motivated. It's about what she brings to YOU in your relationship.

Is it because you are genuinely concerned for her, as a friend even and not a lover? Will contacting her help her face her demons and get her life back on track? Do you think your contact and support benefit her in the long run, not just for the alcoholism, but the other BPD-esque behaviours she has currently?

I think the biggest issue here is that you are always the one who is giving - it's in your nature to keep trying but eventually, there is a price to pay for both of you.

She may become dependant on you to keep saving her and never really make the choice to stand on her own two feet.

You will eventually burn out - nobody can continually give their everything to someone without having some sort of benefit in return.

Now - please forgive my next question, but I think it is pertinent in regards to establishing an understanding of your character: you mentioned that you have been married and are now divorced. If recents events regarding your ex aren't enough to make you consider ending the relationship, under what conditions did you leave the last one? Are there similarities between the two relationships? And, if so, what makes this one more viable than the other?

(Feel free not to answer, it is a very personal question).

Anyway, that's what I would be thinking about if I was in your situation - motivation vs benefit vs possible future.

But being very black and white in my thinking, perhaps your reasons fall in the grey areas.

Regardless, I hope this has at least given you some different angles to look at. 😊

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Thanks K,

As always, that was a very considered response, and told me what I needed to know. I can't be the one to reach out this time. If she is to get well, she needs to come to that realisation herself - I'm of the opinion that she is in the too stubborn/embarrassed camp at the moment. If she doesn't know from all of the things I've said and done in the past that I will be here to help her, nothing I can add will change that. My last message to her was "I will be here if you need me. Please be safe tonight." And more than a little bit of my reasoning is missing her, and being lonely. I have to be strong, for her, but theoretically more important, for myself. I am genuinely worried for her, but there's really nothing more I can do, until she's ready to take accountability for her health and happiness.

As far as my previous relationship goes... there is a lot to it, as there usually is. Ultimately, I was in the wrong. I was unfaithful - not physically, but emotionally, and that's probably worse. Without defending my actions, it was rooted in the fact that we were just not right for each other. When we met, she was 17, I was 21. We'd both had a hard time, and we sort of fell together. When things got rough, there wasn't enough to hold us together, and we fell apart. It's pretty ironic that (from my recent ex's point of view) the main issue is her insecurity over my ex-wife. There's never been any interest from either of us to get back together, and, frankly, we're both happy now than we were together.

The difference with this relationship is that we have been through a LOT together, and always come out the other side. I love her to bits, and I truly believe that I'm a better person when I'm with her - when she's sober. And (without sounding too arrogant) she's better when she's with me. She's had the longest period of sobriety in her life, and I believe that she can be sober again, permanently.

Thanks again, L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

I think that is probably the best decision.

Embarressment and stubborness, like all uncomfortable emotions, fade with time. When she has worked through her feelings about what has happened and the pain is no longer as raw as it was, she may be able to see a clearer path for herself. That may or may not include having you in her life, so you need to be prepared for whatever decision she makes. She knows you have her back, so it is up to her to take the help you are offering willingly.

Sigh. Relationships are hard work. I understand your explanation about your ex-wife...I was 18 and my husband (also my first boyfriend) was 23. As we literally grew up together over the 17 years, we both changed. I think that had a lot to do with us breaking up.
We too went through the most horrible life events (with a smattering of good stuff intermittantly, or so it seemed) so the decision at the end was both a relief and mutual.

Good work, L - it's great to see you looking out for your ex and yourself while not compromising where it truly counts.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Thanks K.

I mean - and this could be some black and white thinking too.... it's not just BPD sufferers that do that! 🙂 Either she is missing me as much as I am her, or she's not. And if she is, she will reach out. And if she's not, is that someone I want in my life? Probably a little over-simplistic, but I guess I think that if you need to compromise yourself as a person to be with someone, and convince them that you are right for them, you're probably not.

Something to stew on, anyway.... all I know right now is that I'm playing the waiting game, and the waiting game sucks. Anyone want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos? 😄

XX L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Exactly! If you need to convince someone, they are either not ready or not interested. You've made your position clear, now you need to concentrate on what happens next in your own life. 😊

(Hopefully it's not sitting in hospital having an iron infusion between work shifts like I am right now!! 😆)

K xxxx