An Autistic Complex & Chronic 50+ Case Dealing with Vulnerability

[Ponder]

SHEDDING THE LABELS AND DELUSION: 

School & employment are long gone for me and not something I ever really fitted into. In fact, every aspect of society and all it's competitive ideals have only ever disabled & rejected my family & I.  [systemic]  A prison within in a prison. That said, I give no acknowledgment to the charges or authority yet find myself bound by the many who give tribute to said controls.  It is on this level that much exploitation & suffering feeds back into that convey belt system driven by an economic standard that saps the soul.

Be thankful?  Know they place?  Yet more controls?  Or just one's reality that can never be fathomed by those who've never navagatid your depth of pain.  Yes, definitely the latter.  So it is, that advice rarely leads one to water unless discovered for self.  Lest all else just revert to instructions, to repeaters, the above atriuters, leading to a dependency on behaviour modification algorithms based on the previously mentioned economic standard; that saps the soul.

From point A to point B living in a complex system that designs complex labels for simple beings who see such things. Yet I am not my labels despite being treated as a disease.  Vulnerable; YES. 

LIVING WITH VULNERABILITY: 

Isolation & exploitation constantly feeling and attracting negative states and traumatic incidents; involving self and others.  Becoming a soft target on all levels, all phases and within all aspects of said prison/existence/living.

Automated responses from multiple mental health diagnosis/s & or prescription/s less of an issue when contrasted to societal conditioning driven by fear based ideology with said soul sapping economic narratives that dictate the tellings, repeaters and advisers. 

Once the cosmetic gloss losses it's appeal, you grow older, become less valuable, less desirable.  You become more of a target for those who see all of the above, disgruntled in their failings to achieve what the behavioural mods instruct. 

[therising]

Hi Ponder

Caution is definitely important when it comes to our evolution, personal and collective. A fine balance between maintaining the abilities of a child while exercising the abilities that come with age (such as a healthy sense of skepticism). To maintain our sense of wonder, our sense of imagination, our sense of feistiness, our sense of adventure and excitement and so much more, while maturing, is perhaps what relates to us 'fully coming to our senses'. Our developing sense of caution remains important, in the process.

I greatly appreciate Eckhart Tolle. He is a humble man. While others who share knowledge with a level of enthusiasm perhaps equivalent to an over enthusiastic puppy or share it with an agenda which builds both their ego and bank account, Tolle maintains a presence which reflects his nature. He has a quiet and beautiful nature with great elements of strength. For those wishing to explore not just their mental and physical existence and experience, he is a wonderful guide in regard to philosophy and elements of spirituality.

I believe free will to be both a gift and a curse, depending on who is using it. While Einstein shared his gift of knowledge in relation to the powerful and explosive nature of atoms 'What will we do with it?' became the question. While social media and technology in general has slowly come to life, thanks to those who were given the gift to bring it to life, 'What will we do with it?' became the question. And while something so basic as freedom of speech comes to life in this world, more than ever before in recent history 'What will we do it?' becomes the question. Much of what comes to life does so with the potential to either create or destroy. To observe the nature of people (their thinking, their choices and their actions) can be both inspiring and deeply depressing, depending on who we're observing.

[Ponder]

I was born 12 days before Armstrong and Aldrin commenced training in west Texas where the first boot print on the moon happened less than 5 months later. Respectfully, my observations don’t see social media as being slowly developed, but more an explosion. One liken to the advent of Silicon Valley post the moon landing which saw a BOOM on many fronts technologically and financially. Despite periods of depression and long bout of stagnation over the last 50 years, today we are now back in the booming age re SpaceX & China as new major competitors. 

Social media via social conditioning sees the use of emoji’s, where emotional control today, sees grownups acting more like children. This not discounting the digital up-down-voting which does more to invalidate, than encourage.  In fact, the father of virtual reality spawn from silicon valley has written a detailed article on how social media is used as a behaviour modification platform with regards to the secrets of influencing. This is how I present freedom of speech and free will / one’s rights as no more than a delusion.  I conclude such constructs are pedalled more as a universal income which is always on the horizon but always out of reach. 

Given the world as it is competing, consuming, obsessing, inequality … Depression is the mother of consumerism: retail therapy amidst the pursuit of happiness. [Recommend Dr Russ] despite self-acceptance and what blinkers we may choose to put on. When such fails the answer now more found in labelling and bite size chunks of mood alerting drugs.  Drama, self-pity and the belittling others more epidemic via a high speed network.

I would concede that Einstein was on the mark in a letter he wrote to his psychiatrist friend Otto Juliusburger. “I believe that the abominable deterioration of ethical standards stems primarily from the mechanization and depersonalization of our lives, a disastrous by-product of science and technology. Nostra culpa!”

I’m a realist seeking to find inspiration in both myself and others whilst learning to accept the depressing nature of reality.  It’s only natural to exist with both.

I view your ending positively with regards to a Native American parable: THE STORY OF TWO WOLVES

Apologies that I appear to be feeding the less desirable wolf. : All as not as it seems.  Please Bear with me. : D

[therising]

Hi Ponder

I find 'reality' to be a truly fascinating topic, one I could talk about for hours. Waking up to it can definitely be depressing, yet going beyond waking up to it is a whole different story. I suppose this is why I view certain aspects of spirituality so fondly, aspects that create a sense of ease and wonder in waking up, as opposed to dis-ease. I should add that not all spiritual based topics are of interest to me.

One, which is a reality shifter: If I was to say 'I have a body and I have a mind (a brain at work)', then who is saying 'I'? What element of myself is the observer of this body and mind? While some may choose to call it 'the soul' others may simply call it 'consciousness'. Before meeting with consciousness, life plays out in a certain way. I could say 'The fact is this is my name, this is my height, this is my age, this is my gender etc'. After meeting with consciousness, consciousness will dictate 'Such things are simply labels and measures, constructed by man. Who are you without them?'. The answer, 'I am simply me, undefined. I am me'. So, of course, waking up means having to let go of certain things, in order to begin exploring what lies beyond the belief systems/mental programs I once followed or bought into.

Labels, labels, labels...they're everywhere. It's a fascinating time in history, watching people wake up to elements of themself. It's also a frustrating time. As I observe people let go of labels, they go on to fight for their new ones. A change in gender identification to the non specified gender of 'they/them' for example will lead a person to abuse another if that other person calls them 'he' or 'she'. Some will even abuse and degrade their friends. Personally, I don't care what you call me, for I identify as 'me'. Call me woman, female, she etc, I'll answer to almost anything that suits you. A person may even get my birth name wrong, in pronunciation. I don't mind, as long as they gain my attention.

An open mind is a liberating thing. Letting things in and letting things out (such as self limiting beliefs) must be a careful undertaking. It pays to have consciousness as the gatekeeper.

[Ponder]

Good morning therising,

From my perspective I’ll call you a blessing.  Thanks for your continued insight and patience.  I find all your replies very grounding.  Thank you.

I once came across a topic called Spiritual Depression.  A concept proposed that takes place during phases of awakening.  Secularized version more in terms of ‘Reality Sinking-In’.  Isolation was discussed at length during said process.  ‘Vulnerability’ in this thread’s title now comes to mind. I’m cautious not to take the ease-y way out because I see too readily what a world of comfort costs. [unbalanced] Dis-ease is a very apt term.

Yet being stuck with discomfort being just as unbalanced also leading to dis-ease.  Hearing you spotlight letting go of one label only to fight for the next is an arrow that hits the bullseye ‘on’ me.  NDIS, Changing Welfare Reforms, Grinding The Mill and much more being a part of that reality.  For me that plays a very large role in the nightmare of letting go only to find oneself picking back up.  That said, I find power in your words despite my fears and despair re that revelation.  I also know I am just as much a part of that binding process.  You’ve been helping me helping me to see that.

Reality Shift.  I like that but not the ‘Great Shift’ that never comes. I understand the drive for it when group minds call/wish [depending on one’s level of awareness] for it, but there are aspects to that spirituality that are not for me.  Such raises warning flags that do more to recoil me.  I’ve already mentioned the marketing in that and reason why I see no change beyond said blinkers and self-gain influencing.  I see nothing but mental programming in all that despite the mystical and spiritual claims.

Woops – I’m clinging again. : D

I agree with all that you have said and not just agreeing for the sake of it.  Something in me acknowledges it with a deep knowing; is better said.

I best pull up now as running out of text.  Had a very challenging day yesterday and this morning I’m struggling with confidence as I head out to engage with the public.  I need to focus so my performance does not draw too much negative attention.  These talks have helped though. Very much.  Here’s hoping I can lead with a smile and take all the good stuff from here and come back feeling more empowered.

Thank you. I’ll be back: D

[Ponder]

Evening Post:  Today I received a recite from my new NDIS support.  I explained that I don’t pay the bills. The government does and that the monthly invoice that the ‘National Plan Manager’ sends out is enough to remind me of the true cost of such services.  Invoices do my head in as it is a reminder that the connections made with these ‘people’ is based on a $ transaction.  This aspect of NDIS and its incorporation into the mental health community sector has done a lot of damage.  I thanked that support, then terminated making sure to explain it was not personal.  Although Einstein’s previous quote to psychiatrist friend touching on the depersonalization of people lives echo’s loudly here.  NDIS is today’s mechanization of preexisting community services that used to handle mental health without so much obligation.  The reason some of us deemed as permanent broken vis the warranting of the DSP was to reduce the stress from being continually pressed with such contractual agreements that were forcing square pegs to fit into round holes.  This new reform has put many of us back into the fry pan with unrealistic expectations despite the delusion of choice and control.

I had a deep and meaningful with one of my affected friends whilst another is currently detained in a mental health ward.  Our biggest contribution to society as byproduct is to work on out mental health but with the new changes we spend most of our time bound by job creation, accounting, spend it or lose it, counting the hours and or KMs.  It’s simply too much for many of us and has changed the nature of human interaction.  This being how human interaction is reduced to mental programing all round.  SIGH … forgive me as I struggle tonight thinking about all the once working services allowed us the space to be ourselves but now this herding mentality has all but further disabled our previous connections that used to mean something.

The comment that led to the bullseye on my chest I take seriously and sick of being made out to be retarded where public attitudes also add into the mix when out with paid friends.  It was much better when we affected individuals where simply allowed to support each other within previously absorbed organic facilities.  Now they want us all put on a leash and lead along.      

[Ponder]

… depending on one’s role within such a world, such a take cannot be fully appreciated.  From an early age I felt deeply and observed well how the monetization of human interaction and mechanization changes the nature of people. That awareness is more the reason I have never been able to fit employment; not because of the later required labels.  Without the expectation of $ I have always excelled and in many cases been scorned for it.  Affected: yet not visibly warranted for today’s poster child of impaired success, to which many of us severe cases term as disability porn - we would do far better to ignore such exploitation.  Images being a large part of how many of us are programmed and marketed in a system reduced to collars and leads.  I say again … depending on one’s role within such reforms, such a take cannot be fully appreciated. So it is that the landscape of mental illness has been severely affected in ways those writing independent reports just don't get.  Moreover, our perspective is often dismissed.    

Despite the learning difficulties told to me, the ability to see like so could not be corrupted out of me.  To be sure, early on there was a phase where I added to this world’s dysfunction.  Whilst that being no more than reactionary I have since held myself accountable.  The compensation game I have been part of too, yet know from experience that again - money awards nothing to those of us that be honest with self and others.  Yet re the hierarchy of abuse and or pyramid of success, the only meaningful compensation we can receive, is that which we choose to give ourselves.

For a long time now I have been wrestling with detaching from such a toxic system and fed up chasing labels to be understood.  Yet this brings me to the fact the previously community supports that one had an ounce of humanity is corrupted with all the above.  Chasing the carrot on the sick has to stop, lest I continue to become and viewed as more unable.  Always chasing and presenting that ‘worse day.’ Always Looking to utilize funds for the sake of those selling and telling whatever.

I’ve barely scratched the surface.  This morning my wife earnest came forward with an admission of PTSD resulted from the process itself. 

I leave this be for my morning post but am thankful for being afforded this space.  TY.

[therising]

Hi Ponder

I often think if we want to know the true level of dysfunction of any system set in place, ask the people who deal with such dysfunction. They will tell you everything you need to know. How to work the system is another matter. In this case I think of my 17yo son. While dealing with the incredible frustration of how the Australian education system is set up and the challenges that come with the brilliant mind of someone on the spectrum, he begged me to have him assessed by a psychologist, initially for ADHD. As I said to him 'I don't want you to label yourself and have that label limit you in the way you see yourself'. He reassured me that this was not his intention. His intention was to better understand how his mind works while gaining an official diagnosis/label that he could present to the school, as he approaches year 12 next year. An official diagnosis would allow him to work the system to his advantage, with certain benefits. We came away from the assessment with the suggestion that ADHD is not evident but autism is. Another $2000 for an official diagnosis? I think not. Btw, the school has acknowledged his need for certain allowances, given his nature (without the official diagnosis). Focus is a major issue for him. How to get one to focus beyond their imagination, especially when their imagination is far more fascinating than the work presented to them? We are finding ways, through a variety of resources. He is a truly brilliant visionary because of his ability to imagine all natural solutions so easily. He is a natural problem solver who should be encouraged to never lose access to his imagination. Balance between imagination and focus is the overall objective. If only the education system taught kids through their imagination. I give credit to the teacher who do.

to be cont.

[therising]

'The dark night of the soul' is a fascinating topic. I used to think 'waking up' was kind of like a unicorns and rainbows experience, with all those enlightened people leading me to think 'I wish I was like that, living life so easily and blissfully, with such wonderful levels of enlightenment whilst being in 'the flow''. When I came out of 15 or so years in depression, at 35, it began like this (all blissful, amazing and wonderful). Every day felt like Christmas day, where you got to unwrap life, but it didn't stay like that. It actually became rather horrible some way in. While I woke up to the 'I am simply me' factor, what I came to realise was no on fully accepted me. They were much happier with the version they'd shaped me into over the years. So, I lost my self again, so as to please. I became depressed again, while trying to fit in as 'acceptable'. Short note: This down period was short lived based on an amazing person who put me back on the right path.

As I woke up further through feeling greater compassion for others, I began to feel their sufferance and I began to feel the angering injustices they faced. The world appeared as an angering horrible place of sufferance, which is a depressing perspective indeed. The world appeared cruel. Then I woke up further, to see all those who were making a positive difference in this cruel world. I woke up to the ability to feel more, to feel those who are degrading, to feel those who are triggering and oppressive and to feel those who are inspiring. Emotion (energy in motion) is to feel what and who we face.

At 52, I believe I will continue 'waking up' right through to my last breath on this earth. This is the nature of life. In Buddhism it is noted that we are destined to suffer yet also destined to find what lies behind our sufferance. While we do not thrive on sufferance, we do thrive on the positive mind altering revelations that put an end to whatever we have been suffering through.

[Ponder]

I get the gist re your snippet of revelation on the education system and 100% agree.  It’s disappointing that more resources * training are not utilized towards separate specialized learning facilities for this sector of children.  Our family supported a well-meaning forward thinking entrepreneur that attempted to set up a well thought out facility in our local area but was quickly met with resistance from both those neurotypical & divergent. The latter only wishing for super intellects and stigmatizing those families still on the spectrum, but without the expectation for those to be university material or for those families not seeking universally accepted recognition.  There is much irony in that.  Best for those parents to stick with the current system and let the others they look down upon learn and support in their own ways. 

Sadly, what we end up with due to fear and ignorance, unless intellectually reduced to rocking and nodding [bless those souls too] who have their own schools, is a mainstream system divided between special-ed/needs, labels & public attitudes.  The latter also reflected from time to time on the nightly News where this demographic become 80% targeted.  A reality not to be ignored if you have kids on the spectrum attending main stream schools.  Not just by their fellow students but also teachers and the curriculum.  At the lower tier it is being more addressed, but as the kids grow older and move up the ladder, less support is allocated where indeed labels are reasoned for ‘appropriate supports.’  This moves into an area of open employment and a myriad of services subject to many pressures of which I have already highlighted.  Is not all bad though – but for many it is and still today just as many fall through the cracks.  $$$$ reigns supreme where job creation out paces individual’s needs.

My advice having endured it, watched my children and now for the 3rd time seeing my 8 y.o. grandson [already DXed] subject to it, is using our knowledge and experience to pave the way just as you are doing with your son.  Seems you are both switched on in this regards.  Is how I survived well enough sleeping in cardboard boxes.

If I may say… ADHD is not uncommon to ASD in much the same evolution as Agoraphobia is often spawn of Social phobia. Multiple labels spawn or set the stage for one another. Just saying is all.

Now I read your continued post.   

[Ponder]

I am very appreciative of your insights and trying not to become a downer as I post in this forum’s depression category.  I be mindful on that as to respect your efforts in making quality connections.  If not already said, this forum is fortunate to have you.  I understand that you will not always be able to reply and during such times I will just continue writing in this space as long as I am permitted.  It’s been a while and I find it is helping.

Great topic.  I see it as a rebirthing process that take place many times in one life time.  The more corrupt one’s world, the more cyclic those episodes be.  

Eckhart Tolle: The Dark Night of the Soul [YT Stillness Speaks Feb 11, 2016] My take away… Awareness as an object or thought does not reveal the nature of awareness as it can only be known; not analyzed.  Learning to endure sufferance perhaps the school for such a knowing? Best we can do with language through reflection/mindfulness is to become more aware in watching and feeling where the sign posts points us.  When I stopped writing I kind of lost my way. 

Listening also part of that.  Many of us struggle with unfavorable traits in this dept. [Smiles]

I really enjoyed reading your description of losing self and finding it again. Your non judging way of expressing is admirable and points made disciplined and skillful.  Seems your ending is aligned with my acknowledgment of continued rebirth in one lifetime.  I tend to struggle quite a bit with the distractions this world presents in terms of the episodic nature that tug at one’s predispositions spawn from the clinical nature in which our minds are conditioned. 

I’m near ready to give up clinical supports because of how it keeps me attached to said distractions and it’s lack of acceptance to such topic that I find more beneficial to my life.  I’m actually getting a ‘some’ holistic treatment atm under appropriate line items (very draining) so will have to think carefully before tapping out of NDIS. 

I feel there will always be some level of discomfort however your antidotal last sentence encompasses a mindset I wish to make a core aspect of my life.  It’s served me well in the past but current obligations governed by those paying my way are somewhat of an obstacle for me.   Yet this should not stop me from adopting such a positive view.