A very negative post

purpleenvelope · ‎13-03-2015

I have been thinking this for a while. I know hopelessness and worthlessness are feelings a lot of people with depression have.

But what if you really are actually failing at life not because of depression or bipolar but just because you're a loser?

I am broke. I have 3 kids, some weeks I worry how I will do groceries. My husband works full time and I run my own business which is completely failing and I make hardly any money. Our bills and debt are piling up and it feels so irresponsible and insecure. It is constant stress. FAIL.

I am so unhealthy. I have diabetes and I don't act like I do. I eat crap and don't exercise. I take my medication most of the time but I need to take more in the morning. I never do, just never remember. FAIL. I'm fat and unfit and have no motivation to do anything about it (no really, I'm fat. I am 100+kg).

My marriage is ridiculous. I HATE intimacy of any form, my husband asks for sex nearly daily and it feels like he only asks me so I feel as bad as him when I reject him. I want to be left alone. I want him to leave me alone. I am pretty sure we are headed for separation but no one wants to be the one to decide. FAIL.

I have no close friends. I have no one to confide in. FAIL.

Two of my kids are in therapy. Fail...

I have had multiple therapists and marriage therapists and the last one we saw pretty much kicked us out. I am currently not seeing a therapist, I feel completely unable to be helped at this stage. My self loathing is too deep, no one has ever been able to tap in deep enough nor earned my trust enough to even scrape the surface. I feel completely defective in so many areas. Unreachable.

I function. I work. I cook. I parent. I get up in the morning, I barely get the kids to school on time but they get there. I am HAPPY and CHEERFUL and if you knew me you would think I was just fine with no problems at all.

I am always thinking wow, this is really it. This is my life. The only person that can change it is me and I just can never seem to do so. Its all just too much.

purpleenvelope · ‎19-03-2015

In my situation I need to travel a 300km round trip to my psychiatrist whom I see for med checks and reviews only, no therapy. With fuel and the consult it's over $200. It would be the same if I saw a psychologist for distance and a bit less for a session with the medicare rebate. This is my only option right now and I am just going to have to try and find the money. I am so stuck because we are stretched so tight. I could see a public one in my actual area for much less and for private reasons, which I dont want to go into, will not work for me. The lady here in my town just isn't very...ahem... good. She could probably use a 300km round trip herself to see someone.

purpleenvelope · ‎19-03-2015

JessF I actually posted twice and had a huge post addressing your questions but it hasn't come up. How annoying. I will reply to you again tomorrow.

JessF · ‎19-03-2015

Hello purple, I see the phrase 'fix myself' pop up a lot in your post above. I think you might be being a bit hard on yourself, as this suggests that firstly, you are broken, and secondly, this is your problem, your fault alone. It attaches a value judgment to what has happened to you in the past, and how you feel now. You should never have to apologise or feel guilty or shameful about how you feel.

From what you are saying, your husband has contributed somewhat to the situation as it stands now, so it is up to the two of you to work out a way forward. Perhaps the first step might be in recognising this, rather than assigning blame and assigning it all to yourself?

purpleenvelope · ‎08-04-2015

Back again. Life has been busy. Also, I seem to drift back here when I am not feeling so great.

JessF for whatever reason the post I thought I had lost is now appearing so you are able to see what I meant previously.

I say 'fix myself' so much because i feel so defective. I feel like if I could just get over this one problem life would be so much smoother. The reason I say that is because my husband wouldn't have such a problem and would be happier. The way I am wording this isn't coming out right, he sounds like this neanderthal demanding sex but it's not like that. I dunno, I dont know what I can do in the here and now to make things better. The minute we start to talk about it we argue, there seems to be no solution and never ever is there a resolution. I resent him a lot for blaming me for something I cannot help and for the times when I have tried to help the situation it's just not enough. I am so sick of it, so so sick of it all.

Not much more to say.

JessF · ‎09-04-2015

Hello purple, glad that you're back but not glad to hear you're not feeling great of course. Ruminating on a problem can make it worse sometimes, particularly if it's a long-standing one and solutions are not obvious. This is where distractions can be helpful. What has been keeping you busy since you were last here? Would it be fair to say that, while you're not feeling great now, there have been things to keep you occupied and satisfied over the last few weeks?

purpleenvelope · ‎10-04-2015

Hi Jess

Work has kept me busy. It gives me something to focus on because I just have to do the work and when I have deadlines I seem to wreck myself so I make them. But I make them.

I'm not sure where I am at in my head right now, I had a chat with a nurse today and it just opened up so many questions for myself and how I truly feel. I really need to find a psych... I really need to find some spare cash.

JessF · ‎13-04-2015

Well apart from the wrecking yourself part haha... sometimes having work as a distraction can be a good thing. As long as you're not using it to avoid your problems, which you're not. You're continuing to reach out and find a way forward, which you should give yourself some points for. Would it help you to write down some of the questions that have been going through your mind?