Hitting really hard ground

redmonster · ‎11-04-2015

Hi all. Like many others I've suffered depression for as long as I can recall. Back as far as 3 or 4 years old I realised after attending an in patient program for 3 weeks where I learnt about shame based development. First major anxiety attack at 17 in 1987 frightened the life out of me and have continued intermittently over the years. To add to this I had a unfortunate sexual experience with a member of extended family around 6yrs old which has played which has played havoc with my sexuality since falling into a nervous breakdown due to some drastic activity by my wife around club funds in which our family were members of. Social fallout, major stressors on myself, immediate and surrounding family also the collapse of a major part of my business due to me being affected by rapidly worsening depression and a huge tax dept via my wife misappropriating my BAS payments created the spiral. On that as mentioned above, I experienced uncomfortable feelings re- unwanted same sex thoughts. These were not an issue or regular pre becoming unstable, therefore never needed acting on. I have been married for 12 years and been happy with heterosexual intimacy. However since the intrusive and ruminating thoughts accelerated around my breakdown and in recovery it feels as though my mind is split, rupturing my pre breakdown confidence and being thrown in disarray when the depressive effects are overrunning my ability to deal with life in general. Things such as financial, family and marital issues have become extremely stressful and confusing resulting in suicidal thoughts at times. But, I have periods where I gain strength and clarity amongst the manic episodes where by things aren't obsessively ruling me and I am able to moderate and contend with the irrational guilt & fallout of the whole experience. I have been suspect of Bipolar or BPD due to struggles over the years in consultation with practitioners, but right now really need aid in getting out of the dangerous level of depression. Meeting with Physiatrist this Thursday to consider med change or more. First post so sorry if not appropriate in any way. Just needed to take some pressure off my current support network.

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Doolhof · ‎12-04-2015

Hi Redmonster,

Firstly I would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to the community here.

It certainly reads like you have had a lot to contend with over your whole life. It is great that you have been able to reach out and share your story here. I find it helps to off load at times.

I'm sure you will find many stories like your own here on this forum.

I would like to encourage you to see your GP and tell them exactly how you are feeling. They may be able to offer you more suggestions of help alongside the care you receive from your psychologist.

There are many phone help lines you can call including the one here at Beyond Blue. When life gets too tough and difficult, please phone someone and ask for help and advice, or even just a listening ear.

If you feel like you r life is in danger due to your dark thoughts, then call and ambulance or get yourself to the hospital just in case.

When you have the moments of feeling better, that is a good time to help build up your supports and put ideas and strategies in place for the times when you are not coping so well.

Is it possible for you to get away for a weekend to have a change of scenery? Or is it possible to have a rest in a hospital for a few days?

Congratulations on being able to write your first post. I hope you are bale to find help and support here.

Maybe you could make a list of things you would like to change in your life and how you can go about it. Don't try to tackle everything at once though, just one small step at a time may be all you can manage right now.

Hope some of this helps! Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools