A very negative post

[purpleenvelope]

I have been thinking this for a while. I know hopelessness and worthlessness are feelings a lot of people with depression have.

But what if you really are actually failing at life not because of depression or bipolar but just because you're a loser?

I am broke. I have 3 kids, some weeks I worry how I will do groceries. My husband works full time and I run my own business which is completely failing and I make hardly any money. Our bills and debt are piling up and it feels so irresponsible and insecure. It is constant stress. FAIL.

I am so unhealthy. I have diabetes and I don't act like I do. I eat crap and don't exercise. I take my medication most of the time but I need to take more in the morning. I never do, just never remember. FAIL. I'm fat and unfit and have no motivation to do anything about it (no really, I'm fat. I am 100+kg). 

My marriage is ridiculous. I HATE intimacy of any form, my husband asks for sex nearly daily and it feels like he only asks me so I feel as bad as him when I reject him. I want to be left alone. I want him to leave me alone. I am pretty sure we are headed for separation but no one wants to be the one to decide. FAIL.

I have no close friends. I have no one to confide in. FAIL.

Two of my kids are in therapy. Fail...

I have had multiple therapists and marriage therapists and the last one we saw pretty much kicked us out. I am currently not seeing a therapist, I feel completely unable to be helped at this stage. My self loathing is too deep, no one has ever been able to tap in deep enough nor earned my trust enough to even scrape the surface. I feel completely defective in so many areas. Unreachable.

I function. I work. I cook. I parent. I get up in the morning, I barely get the kids to school on time but they get there. I am HAPPY and CHEERFUL and if you knew me you would think I was just fine with no problems at all. 

I am always thinking wow, this is really it. This is my life. The only person that can change it is me and I just can never seem to do so. Its all just too much.

[Selkie]

Avoid the junk food. It's high in sugars, fats and salt. Also take your medication correctly. And minimize your caffeine intake. 

[geoff]

dear Purpleenvelope, by reading your comment makes me feel sad, because you say that you have failed at pretty well everything you do.

I can suggest a couple of things to do but in the end it's your decision to think about and then make.

When you see a therapist you have to be prepared to open up a little bit in the beginning, so you can't leave the therapist guessing on what's concerning you because you won't get anywhere, and from what you have said there are a lot of problems that need to be sorted out.

Have you thought about selling your business to begin with because maybe the costs to run it are being taken out of the money that could buy the groceries.

Having feelings of being a failure are negative thoughts because your expecting that anything you do will fail which really is being depressed, so you can go to see a therapist and say to him/her and simply say that 'I'm depressed', and continue on by saying 'my marriage isn't working and my kids are both in therapy', so he/she will then take over, but you have to open up to them.

There is no way you would feel like having sex with your husband, not even just to please him, so why don't you move to another room and see what happens. L Geoff. x

[JessF]

Hello purple, I think for just a moment that you should try and separate the idea of being a loser from doing it tough. You are doing it tough at the moment. But in your post you outline several things that show you are coping as best you can. You function, you cook, you parent, you get up in the morning - that last one especially is a massive achievement for someone who is depressed.

I don't see your post as very negative because in it, as well as identifying the things that you are able to achieve, you are specific about the things you are not happy with that you would like to change.

The next step is setting some small, manageable goals for yourself. For example: you forget to take your medication. Set yourself up a system to help with this. It might be one of those pill boxes with days on it that you put next to your toothbursh in the bathroom, or by the kettle, or somewhere that is part of your morning routine so it will jump out at you easily.

I won't make any other suggestions, because the key to where you are now is not to give yourself too much to do. Just pick one thing. One small thing, and get to the next step. Your confidence will slowly start to grow as you do this. 

[machapucchure]

Hi Purpleenvelope,

   The ABS says that 42% of businesses fail in Australia. I think you are doing exceptionally well if you actually turn any profit at all. I've had 3 businesses and lost money with all of them.   

   Struggling financially, well that's just called being Australian. My husband and I together earn over the average wage (we no longer own a business) and yet we struggle to make ends meet. Some months we have under $1 left in the bank by the last week and it never seems to get any easier. It's one of the most expensive countries in the world. 

  Since mental illness is hereditary,it's likely at least one child will experience depression. My daughter was seeing a psychologist for depression at age 10. I took her out of mainstream school and home-schooled her for a year and that made all the difference in the world; she is now (at 13) really happy and well-adjusted but since I know that she is sensitive and highly-strung I'm concerned for her teenage years and beyond.

  I don't think you should assume other people's lives are so much better than your own: as people get older, life becomes struggle for most of us. It doesn't make us losers. I totally understand where you are coming from: if you want to change your life, I think small changes can be really effective, such as meditation and finding something enjoyable to do one evening a week that gets you out of the house.  

[purpleenvelope]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. It has been good to read them because I was scared to post so I am glad I did.

machapucchure thank you for sharing especially your experience with your daughter. Mine is 11 and doing OK with her psychologist and her anxiety which I am really glad for. I thought getting it under control now could help in her teenage years. I first started to show signs of true anxiety at around 6 years old but was never helped or diagnosed with depression or anxiety until I was in my 20's. I had 3 breakdowns by then but no one noticed...

 JessF I think you have hit the nail on the head in regards to small goals. The whole picture is so overwhelming so starting small is a good idea. Thank you.

Things have been hard since I posted. My relationship is in complete crisis. I need to see a new psychologist but I don't have the money at the moment. I am in a rural area so I have to pay for a decent one and even with the medicare rebate it is still a stretch. My husband is desperate for our marriage to work, he really is a dream husband. Anyone looking from the outside in would just shake me and say what are you doing! Its so frustrating, confusing and very, very tiring. There is so much history, years of this.

Thank you again everyone.

[JessF]

Hello purple, you may not want to answer this and that's fine, but I'm interested in hearing more about why your marriage is in crisis. You mentioned intimacy issues, yet you also describe your husband as a "dream husband" and referring to looking in from the outside. In my experience, it can be unhelpful to judge the quality of your relationship by how it appears from outside, or how it "should" be. Clearly things are not dreamy, or you wouldn't be feeling unsatisfied, so I would try and put those feelings of guilt aside for now and concentrate on your own thoughts.

Is the intimacy tied in with how you're feeling about your body? Or would you struggle to feel intimate with anyone at all right now?

[Selkie]

Purple envelope. the staff here at beyond blue are amazing, and it won't set you out of pocket. Also these forums are free and you will get real information from real people. Psychologists are not Psychiatrists. Though they are trained, (and not that I don't recommend them) but most have no idea what you are feeling, you are merely a cash source and are nothing more useful then a good friend to talk too. Even if you shout the coffee (which is not covered by Medicare) it still only sets you back a couple of bucks. this post highlights our lack of medical support in regional areas *hints to admin* 

[Chris_B]

Hi purpleenvelope and Selkie,

You both raise valid concerns about access to psychological services. Cost can be a barrier to receiving ongoing treatment and care from a psychologist - if you haven't already, think about talking to your GP about what other options may be available to you.

Our support service is also available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat and email. The service is delivered by trained mental health professionals and can provide support, information and advice.

beyondblue is currently working to reduce barriers to accessing mental health services, improve the experience of accessing mental health care as well as encourage help seeking. For example, in terms of improving access to services, beyondblue is piloting new service models such as our NewAccess program which is free of charge.

On a broader level, we will continue to work towards improved access to treatment and care and the feedback and stories you share in these forums are read and do help to inform our work, so please continue to share your experiences. 

[purpleenvelope]

Jess

Is the intimacy tied in with how you're feeling about your body? Or would you struggle to feel intimate with anyone at all right now?

  I have struggled with intimacy for a really long time. My own self loathing is one aspect. I truly feel completely disgusting. Another aspect is my history of sexual abuse and the inability to talk it out and let anyone know what I have been through. I know its not essential to say the actual words but I have not been able to do any real work in therapy (when I was seeing a therapist) about this. I know I need to, its so daunting and overwhelming and really scary. Essentially it is going to cost me my marriage if I don't 'fix' myself because my husband just cannot see a life without sex or affection. And rightly so. I hate hugging my friends, I hate being in line with the potential of a stranger being too close, I cant get my hair cut, I can't go to the dentist. All too close. Some I have overcome (dentist) and some I just can't.  I am affectionate with my children because I know they need it, I want them to feel love off me but I would absolutely rather not have to hug them. My husband has contributed to the way I am now, he has made some really bad decisions and bad moves in the past and even though I chose to move past them at the time, it has affected me. I needed space, needed to process things and he didn't respect that.

 The reason I say dream husband from the outside looking in, is because this is seriously his only problem. He loves  me and is a perfect husband in all areas. Its at a crisis point because every so often stuff hits the fan and he gets desperate for a solution and the talk of separation comes up. In a way I want to leave him because I cant be responsible for his being so miserable about this. He says without it there is no love and that without it there is no relationship. He says he needs that sort of relationship and I feel I cant give it to him. I feel resentment, that if I force myself into therapy when Im not ready just for him then that's not fair. But then I don't want to split the family so I should go and get fixed, its the only way to move forward. I resent him because I feel that yet again I have to do all this work alone to fix this. Its all so confusing. I'm tired just reading this back.