unstable...

[mattyj]

hey so I don't know how this works but I just need to talk to someone...

I'm feeling downright useless, I don't know why I wake up in the morning and have been thinking dark thoughts lately. I'm frustrated and angry with myself and my lack of motivation or direction. I find myself bursting into tears at the slightest emotional prompt. I was seeing a psych for awhile but stopped going because he didn't even listen, just stared at me blankly and put me on more medication... I don't know who I am, who I want to be or what I want to do with my life. guess I'd like some reassurance that it's not all pointless

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[JessF]

Hello Matty, I know that spiral you're in and it's a most upsetting one. That sentence you wrote starting with "I don't know who I am", you could almost put arrows between that and the next bit and make a circle, one leads to another to another and then you get upset and angry. Rinse and repeat.

Perhaps the first thing to do would be to realise that it is ok for you to be thinking and feeling all of these things, even though it is horrible to feel them. Half the burden sometimes is the guilt and frustration, as you say, you are angry with yourself for feeling this way in the first place.

I have found when things are most overwhelming that the big questions cannot be answered. It's like trying to imagine the top of the mountain when you are only at the base. When I feel like this, I try to concentrate on what I want to do this morning, this afternoon, this week before I worry about the bigger questions of what to do with my life.

As an older person, I have seen many unexpected twists and turns, so I can assure you you don't have to make any big decisions now until your mood starts to lift and you can figure out why you are feeling this way at the heart.

Which brings me to the next point: when you say psych and medication, it sounds like you have been seeing a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist. The former, I've found, are not always renowned for their bedside manner. They are trained medically, and think in terms of your physical being, whereas psychologists are trained to think about your mind and how your thoughts and feelings work.

Go see your GP and you can get a referral to see a psychologist, you can get cheap sessions through Medicare.Do come back and talk to us again, there will be other things people can suggest about how to make sure you find a good psychologist but I will leavbe it there for now.

[White_Rose]

Hello Matty

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I do hope you feel better for being able to write down your frustrations. This often helps to relieve a bit of your stress and tension.

I want to endorse what Jess has written. Trying to "pull yourself together" is not easy especially when you can get help to heal. As Jess said, psychiatrists are not renowned for their empathetic manner. Having seen both a psychiatrist and psychologist I agree that a psychologist tends to be more in tune with your feelings and pain.

Like Jess I have found that somtimes taking small steps or just one step at a time is easier than trying to get to the end of the road in a hurry. When I was told that, I refused to believe it. I wanted to get over the bad bits now and never go back to the horrid places. Sadly for all of us depression doesn't go away that easily.

So please try again by getting a referral from your GP to a psychologist. Tell the GP what put you off with the psychiatrist. GPs refer people in all good faith and unless they get some feedback about the psych they are unaware of how that person operates. It may be a good way for some people but not for you. My psychiatrist was always late for appointments, a poor communicator and fell asleep while I was talking to him. This did nothing for my self esteem or healing.

I hope it is reassuring to know that the way you feel is normal for people with depression. That dreadful feeling of being lost, in pain, feeling hopeless and useless. It will go away, but you do need help to get there.

Please let us know how you are going.

Mary

[lookingforme]

Hi Matty,

I can tell you that I am where you are, or possibly just one step ahead. I only recently decided to see a psychologist and have had two sessions, but this is after years of going through cycles of feeling the way you do. Hopeless and lost, to put it simply, but to a crippling point. I can tell you, though that it isn't all pointless, you just have to find a point in things. I know it's terribly difficult and as everyone has said, it might help for you to change who you're seeing, and to see a psychologist. 

i can tell you, through an absolute fluke, it happened when I didn't even expect it or was thinking about it, but I recently decided to go back to uni. It won't be soon because I can't afford it. But it helps to just have that one thing to hold on to; a goal. And it may not happen as quickly as you want but when it does, it pulls you out a little, to a place where some things are more manageable. So, I would say there's a point holding on for just that feeling, where life gets a bit more manageable.

I hope that you can find your way to hanging on for that moment, and that you can use this community for support, because there is amazing support here. 

Joelle

[zailleh]

Hey Matty,

 Welcome to the BeyondBlue forums. Firstly let me share with you that in my experience that this is the most positive and supporting place I could have hoped for, so you will find here that people will listen to your concerns and genuinely try to support and understand you, unlike the psych that you mentioned.

Secondly; all of those things you said and things you are feeling, I feel them too. Many of us on here do, so we get you, I especially resonate with the feeling that I don't know who I am.

 You're obviously in a dark place right now, and that's OK. It's OK because you can get better. You can have a life where you're happy. You can change and you will succeed.

 The first thing I'd recommend you do is to come to terms with where you're at now. Yes, it's a dark place, things suck right now for you, but don't get mad at yourself for it. Don't hate yourself for it. Don't punish yourself for it. You're here now and and that's just a thing that is. It doesn't make you weak, less of a person, or a failure.

Feeling like life pointless when you're in this place but forget about the future and start by just taking it one day at a time; there doesn't even have to be a grand future as long as you're present in the current moment.

I look forward to hearing back from you, mate and hearing your thoughts on the things I've said. Lets discuss it.

~Zailleh

[White_Rose]

Hello Matty

Checking in to see how you are going. I was hoping to get a reply from you soon. Can we help you further?

Mary

[mattyj]

thank you Mary, it's been hard and I still don't have a lot sorted out but there's possibilities. I meet someone recently and I know that we should learn to be happy on our own and not rely on others to make us happy but she's helping...

hopefully getting a car soon too so the added freedom to move about should help, I haven't booked to see a psychologist yet but I will soon, slowly pulling it together.

thank you everyone it's nice to have that support and encouragement

mattyj

[JessF]

Hello Matty, you've got the right idea, don't try and fix everything at once, just work on one thing at a time. Having thecar coming is great, you can start making plans for things to do and you'll have things to look forward to. I find this is very important for my weekly wellbeing, making sure I have things I can look foreard to that I'll be doing, even if its' something simple.

[White_Rose]

Hello Matty

Good to hear from you again. You sound a little more cheerful than before which is great.

One of the things I struggled with for many years is the belief that I SHOULD manage my life and its difficulties on my own. It has caused me so much unhappiness and pain because I have never been able to do this. I have felt despair, that life is not worth living, that I am a failure, weak and pitiful, unlovable and incapable of loving. In fact a total waste of space.

This has led me into the dark and it's horrible. I found a GP who is the most fantastic doc I ever came across. I also found an equally impressive psychologist. Actually, when I look back, I been helped by a number of people, some I don't remember well. It's been a long journey and pretty rough at times, but here I am.

My daughter used to say "Baby steps mom, baby steps." And that's what I do. I want to reach the moon and maybe I will one day. Until then I will take small steps, remember to breathe, and continue learning. The moon is still far away but I no longer feel the desperate need to reach it. I am making my own moon here, one step at a time, sometimes two steps forward and one back.

I know it's hard and frustrating. I know how much courage you need. I also know that you have started on your journey and will be able to look back and see how far you have come. That will be a wonderful day.

Having possessions such as a car to get you around makes life easier, especially if you psych appointments are in a difficult place to reach. And it's good to look forward to having these things. As Jess has said, having things to look forward to is great. Make sure your treats are both attainable and give you joy. Remember that material possessions will not give us joy . They can help to enhance our joy by giving us a some mobility as with your car, but your joy will came from within you when you smile at a sunrise or watch a child at play.

Well, that was a sermon and a half. I hope you find a good psychologist soon. Trust that person, expect lots of help and remember healing will only happen if you work at it.

Mary

[mattyj]

thank you once again for checking up on me, just about to apply for some work and otherwise trying to stay busy.

I'm reaching for the moon too, I look to the sky sometimes and long for a home I don't know, somewhere out there, somewhere that feels right. Is this a common thing among people with anxiety and depression?

moving in with friends toward the city soon (next couple of months) so it'll help to have that support around too. trying to keep my mind from wandering too much...