40 and still waiting for it to get better

[SadboiArt]

How can it be a midlife crisis at 40, when the crisis never ended? 

I turned 40 this year, after loosing everything, again. It keeps happening.

I was born into a violent household, grew up around unsafe adults who also hurt me. Lost every good thing I had going for me over and over again. No matter how hard I try to hold onto each good thing.

Late 30's diagnosied ASD/ADHD as well as realising I'm trans. And I wish I could be excited about living an authentic life, knowing these things. 

I no longer believe the phrase "it gets better" because it was never even ok. 

And now I'm not striving for anything. I can't. Nothing has ever worked out, no one stays, and I can't pretend like there's hope anymore. 

I'm doing what I should, what I want, and using tools gathered over a lifetime of therapy, in order to stay sane. I'm even transitioning.

But what does it change really? 

With each person who walked away, each goal that failed again, I lost more of myself. 

I litteraly cannot begin to add more detail, because the list could fill a trillogy of books. And it still hasn't stopped. 

I'm tired. And I don't understand how I'm expected to smile and act like I'm not painfully alone, lost, hopeless. 

People tend not to hang around if you never get better. So why am I expected too? 

I have no idea what I need or want from this post, connection perhaps? Someone/s who can relate. Cheers to you for reading. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi KaraArtist, Thank you for continuing to share with us. It really sounds like you’ve been carrying a lifetime of pain, loss, and disappointment, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling worn down by it all.

What you said about this not being a “phase” but something that has kept happening over and over again really stands out. When things feel like a pattern rather than a setback, it can make hope feel very distant, if not impossible.

At the same time, I want to acknowledge how much you’ve still been doing to hold yourself together. You’re using the tools you’ve learned, you’re continuing your transition, and you’re still reaching out for connection, even while feeling this exhausted. That takes a lot.

You don’t have to pretend to be okay here. Wanting connection, especially from people who might understand, is really valid. You deserve spaces where you can be exactly as you are without having to mask how hard things feel.

If things feel like they’re getting heavier, it could really help to talk this through with someone in real time. You can reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14, both available 24/7. QLife (1800 184 527) is also there for LGBTI peer support if that feels more aligned.

We’re really glad you’re here and that you’ve shared this with us. You’re welcome to keep posting and connecting with the community.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[SadboiArt]

Thank you @Sophie_M I'm doing my best 🙂