I don't feel real. But feel all too concious.

[HaydenK]

I've recently gone to the psychologist to try understand this troubling pessimistic and suicidal thoughts that promptly follow after being exposed to any portions of society, whether that's a day out, school day, or visiting family, I cannot shake this seemingly permanent depression. Alongside being counselled and medicated for my depression, I was loosely told that I have traits that align with the autism spectrum. This is where my sense of self truly took a turn for the worst. I cannot stand the idea that the person I've known for 17 years is now a over-thinking, anxious mess of a person. 

I constantly think of the idea of not being conscious. But I also wonder of things that may make me happy, or things that are concurrently making me more depressed. But this seems to worsen my angst of overthinking.

In retrospect, I want to understand the magnitude that my selfish desires has in comparison to the third world problems and conflicts. I feel like such a chud. I feel like a failure to the social integrity of my family, me being some social outcast that contradicts the families goals and aspirations. Causing me to drift apart. It doesn't bother me though. But it causes a moral alarm that constantly reminds me that this isn't right, because of me. Which eventually lead to my family wasting resources, time and money on trying to help me. but I'm the waste. The good thing of nothing, allows nothing to not be able to burden something.

I've lost all aspirations and motivations that I used to have. I don't care about my future or current being. I can't imagine my future, because I don't want a future. There I go again. Being so selfish again. Taking life for granted. Stealing the future they should've gotten.

I haven't been living for a few years now. I feel less than a shell of the person I was. I want to scream. I want to explode. why am I like this. 

I'm too conscious. But I haven't lived a life worth living. What does that make me. An observer. A living ghost. A delusion psycho.

I'm merely a product of what's I've consumed. I've been given everything in life. how does that set me up for when I leave home. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Am I selfish? I've lived, no, I've endured life on autopilot for 17 years. how much more selfish can I be.

What will it take for me to value life again? 

I know I must help myself. But what if I don't want myself.

[therising]

Hi HaydenK

Took me decades to hit on the revelation 'Anyone who asks so many questions is obviously on a quest because it's the nature of any great quest to hold a lot questions'. The ultimate question is perhaps 'Who the heck am I and how do I actually tick?'. As a 55yo gal, I still haven't completely worked either one of those things out yet although many of my questions so far have come with surprising and sometimes liberating revelations. I've found it's about asking the right questions, as opposed to general ones.

While my 20yo son's on the spectrum (diagnosed with level 1 autism when he was 17), I like to remind him the way his brain (computer/processor)ticks can be a different thing from his true nature. While his brain may pose certain challenges when it comes to computing or processing stuff, his true nature provides him with certain abilities. Of course, the two can be separate yet interactive at times. Sometimes the best question can be 'What abilities can I use to help me in this situation?'. The challenge, to begin with, is figuring out what your true nature or true natural abilities actually are and then work on developing them.

If you have the ability to wonder, imagine/visualise, question, feel or sense and so on, they're all abilities. Btw, there can be some social challenges that come with having certain abilities. For example, if you have the ability to sense or feel what's boring or completely uninspiring, constantly boring and uninspiring social gatherings or events can become depressing. The ongoing absence of significant amounts of dopamine can be felt as depressing. If you want to flip the script, you could go from saying 'I'm the black sheep of the family' to 'I'm am my family's greatest feeler or sensitive (one who feels/senses)'.

Suddenly waking up to how conscious you are of so much can come with it's own challenges. 'I'm conscious of how much I think, how thoughtful I am. I'm conscious of my need to not think, be thoughtless at times. I'm conscious of how much or how little I feel. I'm conscious of the need to question what is questionable. I'm conscious of how lost I am and conscious of how much I am in need of a sense of direction' and so on. Such a sudden increase in consciousness can produces a heck of a lot of mental, emotional and physical hyperactivity. I can't help but wonder whether you've found yourself sighing a lot lately.