Giving up on myself

[ivee]

Being burdened with acne has shot my self-esteem the lowest its ever been. I’ve been avoiding my friends bcos I feel ugly showing my face. I avoid going outside and going to work cos the sun and my job makes my acne worse. I cant even afford a dermatologist. 
All I tell myself now is theres no hope, its easier if I didnt exist and end things. I really have tried to make things better but I feel its out of my control. Its funny, when I see acne on others I dont care about it and don’t judge them. But I dont give myself the same grace. Its frustrating and deeply debilitating how shameful I feel to show my face proudly in public. All I think abt is how others will perceive it and fear that the marks on my face is all they see of me. This feels like such a small problem in the scale of things, but I’m sick of looking in the mirror and seeing failure. With how I’m so unmotivated I just can’t see things getting any easier. I wish I was strong enough

[Croix]

Dear Ivee~

Welcome here to the Forum, I'm glad you came as you sound very low and are tormented by a condition that is getting to rule your life.

You have said it yourself, when you see other peole with acne it does not make you think less of them or judge them, however when you see yourself there is a special reaction reserved for yourself thinking that part of your body is showing something that deeply shames you and you wish to hide.

I would think that staying at home, not being with friends and having difficulties going to work are more than enough reasons to take action. I know you do not have money for a dermatologist, however that may be the only path to follow. 

From you post I think you realize you are giving yourself a very hard time over something you do not give about others, so maybe it is your ability to cope that can be helped.

May I suggest you contact the Butterfly Foundation, an excellent organisation open 8am-midnight every day, that assists people that are unhappy with one or more aspects of their bodies. Ideally I guess it would be good to aim for regarding your acne as a nuisance, but not a life altering condition, and resume your normal activities wihtout fear or shame.

As for the acne itself, maybe a GP can assist if you explain you cannot afford a dermatologist 

If you would like to come back and talk more that would be welcome

Croix

[ivee]

Thank you for the comforting words Croix :’)

Ever since I made this post I went out in public the last couple of days. The shame is definitely still there, I’ve felt the need to hide my face and bow my head just to avoid how others look at me. The acne really is bad, its hard to overlook on my face. So the whole time I was outside predominately in my head I was embarrassed especially when I had to interact with people, but I will admit there were moments where I was glad to be courageous enough to get out of the negative feelings for once. It was nice feeling brave even though it was very fleeting. 

Thanks for letting me know about the butterfly foundation, I’ll definitely give it a shot. I still feel like I really want to isolate myself from everyone since I find comfort in the dark the most

[Croix]

Dear Ivee~

You certainly sound a different person to your last post. I'm very glad you decided to venture out even if it was most uncomfortable for you.  It mag give you a glimpse of how things can be.

Yes you can most certainly be proud of yourself, I don't think most people would realize how much courage it took for you. 

I am no expert however I'd suggest that in the same way I overcame fears you might like to consider not going overboard to start with and exhausting yourself and getting an 'overdose' of unpleasant feelings but take it starting with small steps and gradually working up. 

It may not be smooth sailing all the way but I'd be pretty sure now you have started that you will get there. See what the Butterfly Foundation has to say.

Croix