Depression

Painful nostalgia and low expectations for future

replies: 2

Hi all, I am 16 years old and recently while taking a trip down memory lane I experienced this overwhelming amount of nostalgia for my past, especially childhood experiences, and was hit with this crushing wave of grief and just couldn't stop crying.... View more

Hi all, I am 16 years old and recently while taking a trip down memory lane I experienced this overwhelming amount of nostalgia for my past, especially childhood experiences, and was hit with this crushing wave of grief and just couldn't stop crying. I find myself to be quite a nostalgic person and instead of feeling warm and happy about my experiences so far in life, I find myself often feeling really freaking depressed. It kind of all came at once and made me reflect on how nice it was to feel so happy about the littlest of things and the good experiences i had with so many people. I thought of people who had passed, old relationships with family members who have now become strained, a bunch of things I just did occasionally throughout my childhood and how dreamlike and nice it all felt. Like I just remember everything feeling so adventurous and fun all the time, like literally pouring water on rocks at my grandma's old house was seen as a special event. Now currently, my life is going somewhat wrong in so many ways. My relationships with many family members feel strained because I feel like everyone hates me and we barely talk, I don't get much joy out of interacting with my friends, and the whole world kind of feels pretty gloomy rn with so much hate and slop out there. All my hobbies are solitary. There's a long list of other stuff but in short, nothing feels good anymore, just kind of bland and unfulfilling in every way. I have days where I just feel really sad and that my life is wasting away. That being said, I'm constantly trying to improve my circumstances, meeting new people, being more sociable, trying new things ect, as well as kind of doing certain things I used to do during childhood just for fun and to get a kick out of it again. But it feels like no matter what I do, nothing ever changes and for like a few years now it has just been getting worse and worse, like I never feel truly happy ever. Ik it's probably cause I'm romanticising the past or smth but like that realisation doesn't make anything better. I have moments where I literally just hope that reincarnation is real just to experience it all again, and that after I die I'll be happy with everyone again (also I DO NOT want to die, just in case this gives off a bad vibe). Now looking to the future, I just don't see anything stacking up to that. Like i could find a partner, raise kids, travel the world, but I feel like I would trade all of that for a week just to go back to my childhood doing stuff with my parents and having fun with little things and that it's all just a downward spiral from here. My whole family before me will die over time, I'll lose contact with so many people, I don't see any partners or future friends being able to make me feel better, and to top it off I'll slowly get older and weaker and more senile as time goes on, going out with a whimper. Maybe it's because I'm at an awkward phase of life right now, maybe later on moving out and building my own world will make me feel fulfilled again, but for now I just feel like it's probably just all downhill from here. Is there anyway to cope with these feelings of nostalgic grief, does life become cooler later, and is there any advice on how to actually feel fulfilled in the present again?

The cost of loyalty and the reality of a corporate handshake

replies: 2

After ten years of giving everything to one organisation I have learned the hardest lesson of my professional life. I am sharing this anonymously to warn others who still believe in the gentleman's agreement.Before I realised I was being pushed out t... View more

After ten years of giving everything to one organisation I have learned the hardest lesson of my professional life. I am sharing this anonymously to warn others who still believe in the gentleman's agreement.Before I realised I was being pushed out the company made it a priority for me to finish all my documentation and procedures as a key part of my KPIs. I was titled as a supervisor but every peer confirmed I was performing the role of a manager. Keeping me in the lower position allowed the company to keep my pay at the award minimum while extracting maximum value from my knowledge. I was happy to support my colleagues but when pressure was placed on me I was met with silence. People were afraid that if they spoke up they would be targeted as well. It left me feeling angry and entirely alone.I reached a point where my mental health was failing and my family needed me as we faced a serious crisis with my teenager. When I went on stress leave the company was fully aware of the situation. I thought a decade of service would earn me basic human decency but I was met with hostility and treated as if my struggle was a fabrication. I was micromanaged to the point of breaking. In boardroom meetings I was isolated while my support person was made to sit at the far end of the room. A manager told me I did not care about the company while I was at my lowest. They denied my holiday leave and tried to withhold my long service leave until I proved every medical appointment date.The most painful part was watching my own systems and reports being used by others to get promotions while I was being discarded. I saw my work presented by people who took all the credit and I realised my documentation was simply being repurposed. They found me at my most vulnerable and pressured me until I signed a settlement. My lips are now legally sealed so I cannot fight back because the costs of a lawyer are too high.Now I have been out of work for over a month and the depression is heavy. It is hard to feel like the man of the house when you have been pushed out after ten years of loyalty. My advice is simple. Document everything. There is no such thing as a handshake agreement in a corporate environment. If it is not in writing it does not exist. Do not sacrifice your family or health for an organisation that views your vulnerability as a weakness to be exploited. I am just trying to find the patience and the strength to keep going and be the example my family deserves.

Life

replies: 2

So I have never done something like this before but it’s go to the point i need to express myself. Life feels so like hell everyday waking up same stuff different day I try everyday to upcome muself and achieve different stuff but I just can’t my hea... View more

So I have never done something like this before but it’s go to the point i need to express myself. Life feels so like hell everyday waking up same stuff different day I try everyday to upcome muself and achieve different stuff but I just can’t my head races everyday. I just think ok life is on repeat till the day I go .. it’s tiering I have no friends I’m a young female so not having a girl-friend to talk about things to need to I can’t.. it hurts but I blame myself over all these years of college high school primary I’m the reason I have no one.. my mental health always makes everyone leave left with no one.. if only I did not get mistreated at such a young age maybe Just maybe I would be different and successful..

What it feels like to go insane

replies: 19

Been away a while and I dont know where I been. But my life views have changed dramatically. Depression sufferers are amongst the toughest breeds mankind has ever seen. The sheer weight we carry and still survive somehow is remarkable. Its sad we hav... View more

Been away a while and I dont know where I been. But my life views have changed dramatically. Depression sufferers are amongst the toughest breeds mankind has ever seen. The sheer weight we carry and still survive somehow is remarkable. Its sad we have no strength to communicate this but I am bound with my brothers and sisters for life as we struggle for survival together. Yes I have seen death felt it lived it but I see the beauty in my brothers and sisters and if I could I would protect you all. Yes my tone has changed as I have relived my hippie days during treatment. A long lost part of me that has been buried for decades. A hidden aggressive non violent protest for change that I was lost in 40 years ago at the beat if Bob Dylan Neil young at the time of Laurel Canyon and Woodstock. But I had to die first to get there and lose my mind on the way which was frightening to my core. They tried to silence the hippie for what reason. They exercised brotherly love and care for mother earth and natural lifestyles. Their non conformity towards the way things were going in the 60 70s was about LOVE and PEACE. And you stamped him out. Why? Why would you do that. Manson was never a hippie so dont blame hippies. So I live in this world eons away from the beauty I was once involved in. Not being able to tell you here where I go twice a week at hospital is a crime and yes I am anti establishment but not wrecklessly indifferent to things that make society run. My treatment is out there and I cant tell you. Thats crazy to the enlightened person because people need information but instead are bombarded by misinformation lies scams gag orders and integrity has become almost a mythical idea from a long lost time. And all this does matter. Its our health we fight daily for and it doesnt come cheap and without effort. Respect to all my brothers and sisters and let your freak flag fly and above all peace in our suffering

Prep Teacher Overload

replies: 2

I have been a teacher for 19 years and this is the worst year of my career so far. I’ve got 3 students in my Prep class that constantly reek havoc and I’mnot receiving enough support to manage them. Each day they are taking my things, engaging in dan... View more

I have been a teacher for 19 years and this is the worst year of my career so far. I’ve got 3 students in my Prep class that constantly reek havoc and I’mnot receiving enough support to manage them. Each day they are taking my things, engaging in dangerous play (jumping off tables, running around the classroom) hitting me or other people, screaming and swearing and I’m in a constant stress state. I feel so down about it all. This evening I snapped at my own son because of the emotional fatigue. I quit drinking 2 years ago and will not return to it, I exercise most days, I eat salads and fruit smoothies everyday, I get my 8 hrs of sleep and meditate everyday. I’m trying so hard to protect my mental health but am constantly miserable. I don’t see quitting as an option but not sure how I’m going to sustain this for a year.

I'm sick of my Depression

replies: 5

my depression has been recently active and I'm finding it hard to get myself motivated. I'm on medication and I am taking my medication every day , I'm under a lot of stress and my husband has depression and anxiety to. I'm just struggling to cope at... View more

my depression has been recently active and I'm finding it hard to get myself motivated. I'm on medication and I am taking my medication every day , I'm under a lot of stress and my husband has depression and anxiety to. I'm just struggling to cope at the moment

Does anyone else experience the "Functional Freeze"?

replies: 4

Hi everyone,I’ve been reading through the posts here, and it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I wanted to see if anyone else relates to a specific feeling I’ve been having lately.I call it the "functional freeze."On the outside, I... View more

Hi everyone,I’ve been reading through the posts here, and it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I wanted to see if anyone else relates to a specific feeling I’ve been having lately.I call it the "functional freeze."On the outside, I look like I’m coping. I manage to get up, go to work, and maybe even reply to a few texts. But internally, I feel completely paralyzed. The moment I don't have to do something, I just freeze.I’ll sit on the couch and stare at the wall for an hour, or I'll know I need to make dinner or have a shower, but the physical effort required just feels like trying to run underwater. I’m exhausted, but I haven't actually done anything. It’s so frustrating because people around me think I’m doing fine, but they don't see the massive amount of energy it takes just to appear normal.Does anyone else get stuck in this freeze state? If you do, how do you usually break out of it, or do you just have to wait for it to pass?I’m really struggling to push through it this week. Any advice or just knowing others get it would be really comforting.Thanks for listening.

big feelings feeling big!

replies: 6

Hi BBers, Tonight I am feeling lots of big feelings. I have changed medication recently, so that is probably why. But also, stuff happening in my relationships, family, work life and friendships. I am not great at actually feeling my feelings, or exp... View more

Hi BBers, Tonight I am feeling lots of big feelings. I have changed medication recently, so that is probably why. But also, stuff happening in my relationships, family, work life and friendships. I am not great at actually feeling my feelings, or expressing them. It scares me. My brain starts telling me I am stupid. It is like I don't trust myself. Looking for advice and reassurance?

Parenting young children with depression

replies: 2

Hi everyone,I have had depression since my teens, I’m close to 40 now. I have two small children now and I’m finding that these years are some of the hardest I’ve experienced. They’re not babies (4 & 7) so they’re not oblivious to my ups and downs an... View more

Hi everyone,I have had depression since my teens, I’m close to 40 now. I have two small children now and I’m finding that these years are some of the hardest I’ve experienced. They’re not babies (4 & 7) so they’re not oblivious to my ups and downs anymore. But they’re not old enough to understand that mummy sometimes struggles.The self care that worked before kids, or self cocooning through the worst days just doesn’t fly when you have kids constantly going “mum mum mum”.I would love a practical “dummy’s guide to parenting when you have depression”. Or a resource that I could use. I find it hard to manage my own mental health and be a good parent.

Parents don't care that I have scoliosis/possible thyroid problem

replies: 2

I definitely have scoliosis and people from school often talk about it. I can't even walk or stand properly. My posture is messed up. I do at least an hour of walking most days, so I do exercise (though I don't do many other exercises other than a bi... View more

I definitely have scoliosis and people from school often talk about it. I can't even walk or stand properly. My posture is messed up. I do at least an hour of walking most days, so I do exercise (though I don't do many other exercises other than a bit of tennis and sometimes swimming. I try to do a bit of running, but I feel self-conscious when I do so). I told my Dad and he said that it probably doesn't matter unless it hurts and I said that my back occasionally hurts a bit and it can get worse if it doesn't get fixed and he said, "But where can we go about it?" I said we could go to a (can't remember what they are called right now). He replied, "Would that help though?" I said it's better than not doing anything and he just said "Hmm" and walked off. (He does this a lot). I told my Mum about it and she said, "But if we went to one of those places, wouldn't they just tell you to stand better?" I said that I didn't know because we never tried going to one of those places and then she walked off. (They're both very dismissive). I went to a massage place because I had problems with my back and the lady said to my Mum that it's a pity that I never went to a *scoliosis place* when I was younger. Even my older sister said to my parents that she was quite annoyed with them for never taking me to one of those places. She even told me that if our parents didn't pay for me to see them, that she'd be happy to pay for it. I may not get along with her often, but she's very generous! So is my younger sister. I recently found out that I probably have a thyroid problem because I have so many health problems that can be related to it (walking funny, voice problems, skin problems, digestive problems, cracks on heels of feet, etc.) Google even says that psychosis can be related (I have paranoid schizophrenia and I never want to have an episode again because they are the worst thing that's ever happened to me). I don't know how to get help for this either though because my parents don't take it seriously. My doctor thinks I don't because of my blood test result, but blood tests aren't always accurate for thyroid problems. My hormones also sound really out of wack based on what it said, but my doctors said they were fine. I'm not a doctor, but it was something like 98 - T and 1.10 - E?? Even if I was ovulating, that doesn't sound right to me?

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Painful nostalgia and low expectations for future

replies: 2