Keeping up spirits?

Eagle Ray

The past decade has been extremely stressful and I’ve had new lows in my mental and physical health I never imagined would happen. I’ve really had to struggle to survive. And then today I had news which may not necessarily be that serious, but I just felt so alone with it. Following scans I have to have a biopsy for possible breast cancer. I know it is common. I think it’s one in seven women get it now. With me I highly suspect severe stress, especially being a carer over the past decade, has really taken its toll on me. I was diagnosed with a progressive liver disease in 2020 and have had so many other debilitating health conditions over decades now, many since a child. I have Complex PTSD as well. I have no doubt my health conditions are all tied in with that which really has been with me from birth.

Today I just felt so alone. I have no family as such now. My brother does care about me to an extent but cannot express emotions or provide emotional support, even though I have cared for him when he’s been in crisis. Trying to connect with him emotionally often leads to him becoming distant or hostile. My kindest friend is a busy mother of a very young daughter and has just returned to work. The couple of extended family members I have some contact with have major care commitments of their own. I don’t tend to ask for help anyway, but even if I did I don’t feel anyone has the capacity to help much and I don’t want to burden them.

I have gone through all my health challenges alone, including investigative operations and difficult diagnoses. I’ve never had anyone there for me. I’m used to surviving everything in isolation, but it’s like I’ve hit a new wall of exhaustion. I’m on hormone medication for perimenopausal depression and anxiety and it’s been very helpful, but it’s causing severe histamine intolerance where it’s extremely hard to keep food down. I’ve had this for 7 months now and it makes eating so stressful and it’s exhausting on a daily basis. I have reduced the meds leading to breakthrough depression. But I may have to stop them all together if it turns out I have breast cancer. Prior to starting the hormone meds I was in a state of extreme suicidality relentlessly over a long period of time and I had to fight just to keep myself alive. I’m just overwhelmed, exhausted and don’t know how much more I can keep going. Sorry for long post. How do others keep up their spirits when it’s overwhelming?

Croix

Dear ER~

I guess the fist thing to say is you are not alone, on the Forum you have genuine friends. True they may not be able to come over and do the chores, but there presence is still there.

Every day I see what you have written and am always amazed at the tenacity you show in the most adverse circumstances, and the skill you have in juggling incompatible medications. It is not just inherent skill but is based on intelligent research . Not may people go down this path - more's the pity.

You don't just talk wiht the peole you are used ot but reach out as well to others, in fact you do my job better than me, which is why I rarely post after you as I've nothing left to say.

OK, so far all I've done is waffle on about how marvelous you are, and even if you accept that judgment it does not do much to quieten you current fears and feelings. So what does?

I'd have to say nature and fluffy cat are two positive things. How often have you said you went out into nature and took photos or just laid down surrounded by trees shrubs grass and bird-life. Again how often have you played and cuddled Fuffy Cat and murmured unintelligible baby (or cat) talk? "Whose a flufffy wuffy ..."

You will continue to juggle and will manage even if your moods swing against your wishes.If you have not done so already research the most effective ways of eating you can manage

One of the things I find a comfort is to realise I do not know everything and thus do not know the future. That helps me to stop from worrying about crossing bridges until I come to them. I'm not like The Amazing Mumford who has a crystal ball secreted under his cloak.

When you can't change things in the sort term then it is time to fill your mind with trivia and humor. Have you found a way to get around Brother Lee Love for example? I'd suggest Sid Snot might be able to do a number on him - just a thought.

Have penguin 🐧 to tickle (they realy like it behind the ears)

Croix

Eagle Ray

Oh thank you so much Croix ☺️ I am in fact patting fluffy cat as I type this one handed. She is purring away and a great comfort to me. She has been pawing at my left side and burying her head in my left armpit quite persistently as she did yesterday. This is slightly unnerving as she’s not usually this focused on one part of me. I googled whether cats can smell cancer and came across an article about a woman whose cat did this exact behaviour on the side she was later diagnosed with breast cancer. While I obviously hope that’s not the finding for me I will be fascinated and amazed if the Fluffster has detected a cancer this way. I do feel much better today and philosophical. I saw the whole process with my mum’s breast cancer so I have an idea of what I’m in for if it is that, which will make it a bit less scary. But hopefully what they’ve detected proves to be benign.

You are so kind with your words Croix. I think you give the kindest, most supportive responses to people like you have done here with me.

I did go out with my camera today during which I even temporarily forgot my worries as I was so absorbed in it as usual. It was a beautiful day here today as it will be again tomorrow.

I hope all is up and running well in your home again and that you’ve had a peaceful evening with Mrs C, Sumo and Foxy Dog. Fluffy cat is such a good companion and we’ve become really close. Her intuitive support is invaluable.

I will indeed investigate some more humorous clips. They too are of so much value. Thank you for the penguin who I will gladly tickle behind the ears. Another thing fluffy cat has been doing is licking her paw then licking my hand, on repeat. Ah she just jumped down now to investigate her kangaroo meat as it’s kangaroo at Eagle Ray diner tonight. This is a twice a week special for the resident feline to complement her gourmet cat biscuits.

Thanks again so much for your support and the things you have suggested are the exact things that are helping me.

Very best wishes wise walrus,

ER

Croix

"She has been pawing at my left side and burying her head in my left armpit quite persistently as she did yesterday."

I suggest you inspect your armpit for mice.

-C

Eagle Ray

Hehehe, it’s funny you say that as she has just been playing a game with a large leaf she found on the floor that must have come in from outside. She shoves it quickly with her paws so it moves along the ground then chases and pounces on it. She’s definitely honing her hunting skills for an actual possible mouse. After that she got the zoomies which involves mad dishes between different rooms and now she is chowing down her kangaroo. She goes from hours of sleeping to a bundle of energy!

Eagle Ray

Sorry that was meant to say mad dashes not mad dishes. “Mad dishes” is the state of my kitchen sink some days!