I am worried that I am the issue and that I have no mental illness

[Lightning22]

So for years during highschoolI wasn't motivated and didn't have the energy to do anything so all I did was read books and watch videos but even then I dont remember what I read or watched I think because im not letting it settle in my mind and am immediatly moving onto another book or video. It felt like i was half zoned out 24/7 and that I just king of woke up as an adult when I was told my family were having money problems I was a lot less relaxed/zoned out for around a weekand got to talking to my GP from the advice from my sister. My GP believes that I have ADHD, Deppression, Anxiety and some form of Autism, I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 5 but my Mum just gave me fishoil and said it would fix my attention issues, this seemed to help for a bit but I dont know if it was the fishoil or not. I am having a consultation(Not a diagnosis) with a Psychiatrist in a month but I am just getting more worried because I think I am the problem and that I dont have mental issues, but I think I am also slightly hoping that I do have mental issues because then it means im not a failure and I wont be a waste for the rest of my life. I find it hard to focus and to learn but I dont know if that is becaus I have issues or if im just not used to It because of years of doing nothing, memorization for example is hard for me or I think it is I have no real was to compare it to someone else. Most of the time I just feel unmotivated, low on energy and am trying to stop myself from getting back into the constant videos and books but it feels easier which it is but its not right, deprression confused me because I have never been one to think retrostpectivly and try to make connection about my mood and how I think and it is hard cause my go to answer about thinkgs are "Im fine" or "I'm Alright." also not sure if it has any merit in this but my parents always just called me lazy and that my ADD was borderline pretty much not even there even though I had visible issues apparently according to others. When I try to compare my thinking and how I act with my friends they are always thinking whilst I feel like im only doing things based of instinct and not much thought or how they are very creative and doing good in jobs and study even though they have mental issues themselves. Job hunting is not going well I'm worried about my mental consultation and diagnosis and I feel asthough to be a functioning human that can live comfortably I need to get a high level education but am trying to do self study first and it's not going great  whilst also having to deal with the fact that we need to get some income.

[therising]

Hi Lightning22

It sounds like you have a lot of really intense challenges all going on at once. While a single challenge or even a couple of challenges can be easy to manage in some cases, multiple challenges can definitely become incredibly overwhelming. I feel for you so much as you experience an anxiety inducing and depressing sense of overwhelm.

I've found really great guides are a must in life, when it comes to gaining a positively mind altering degree of self understanding. These are the kinds of people who can guide us toward better understanding how we work mentally, physically and naturally. With that last one (naturally), you could also call that 'soulfully' in some cases. So, it can be about gradually discovering who we naturally are and how we naturally tick under a variety of circumstances.

While both my kids have a lot of incredible abilities that really blow my mind at times, some of their abilities actually interfere at times with how that want to live life. For example, while my 21yo daughter (who's been diagnosed with ADHD) has the incredible ability to tap into so many different and amazing facets of inner dialogue, in order to intuitively make sense of the best way forward, she can struggle with an overwhelming amount of inner dialogue at times. And while my 19yo son (who's been diagnosed with level 1 autism) has the ability to tap into his imagination at the drop of a hat, where he can also easily access his intuitive nature, focusing outside of his imagination can be a major struggle for him at times. So while they have a whole stack of natural skills and abilities beyond what I mention, they can struggle greatly through a lack of skills and tools that they don't yet have, ones that could create a sense of balance. Like their mum (me), they struggle largely when there's a serious lack of structure or solid routine in life. All 3 of us tend to drift off course a little or a lot in some cases.

Discovering who we naturally are and how we naturally work can provide a lot of much needed revelations, leading to the realisation 'No wonder I struggle so much with this (issue). It makes complete sense'. I imagine you have a lot of abilities, while perhaps struggling with a lack of what could balance them out at times. I have to say, from my own experience, the ability to feel emotion can be one of the most challenging. In defining emotion as 'energy in motion' or 'e-motion', feeling what our energy's doing at times and what kind of energy it is (stressful, angering, inspiring, thoughtless/carefree, depressing etc) can be one heck of a challenge. Being able to feel a depressing lack of high end emotion can definitely become depressing.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Lightning22,

I feel like you have just described how I experience the world, especially the part about being instinctive when others are thinking. My sense from what you write is that you are not lazy at all and your mind and system work a particular way. This in no way makes you bad or wrong or lazy. But it might mean you have some challenges with tasks and activities that others find easier. So I think it's really important not to be hard on yourself.

The visit with the psychiatrist may be helpful in outlining your experiences of life so far and putting the puzzle pieces together. With ADHD if confirmed, there are attributes you will have as well as challenges. Your ability to focus on the books and videos does sound like the hyper focus of ADHD. While I'm not formally diagnosed, a counsellor in 2007 at an ADHD support centre said I likely had it. I've just never gone as far as being diagnosed. But I can relate to becoming absorbed in very particular things. In recent years it is photography and the whole process, from taking the photos to processing and editing, is completely instinctive immersion for me. I am doing rather than consciously thinking in these activities and actually find it therapeutic. The challenge with ADHD is everything else can disappear from awareness and hours can go by, totally absorbed in a single activity. But there is an advantage to this as well and it does suit some occupations. So it may be that what you are suited to employment wise is something that fits with how you naturally are as a person. I know for some people with ADHD and/or autism, finding a job that involves their special area of interest that they get really immersed in has really helped them and enabled them to use their natural abilities in an employment context. Their abilities and attributes are an asset to the employer. Others are self-employed and thrive in the context of their special interest with some strategies in place for the parts of self-employment that may be more challenging.

I'm sorry to hear about your family's financial problems. It's not easy at the moment, especially with the cost of living. I would say just take things one step at a time and don't try to solve all family challenges as well as your future all at once. See if you can break things down into manageable components and work on small things each day. I think overwhelm can make the blank space you can go into with ADHD more pronounced. I certainly blank out easily and frequently. Also, keep talking with people such as your sister and GP. I find relational contact with others helps me stay a bit more present. Also, as the rising is saying, I think it's a matter of balancing how you naturally work as a person, including the abilities that gives you, with other influences that help to balance out patterns that are strongly in a particular direction.

Wishing you the best,

Eagle Ray