Very conflicted

[sparrowhawk]

I have been doing support work for a couple of months and really love it. I’ve got three clients at the moment, which is great as it balances well with my part-time job.

I came into this work after living in a very structured religious community for almost ten years. Like everything being accounted for, often being supervised and criticised on performance, having very little independence. I left that life very unwell with anorexia and now live with that (I’m recovering) and PTSD, which has been dealt with on-and-off by professionals.

One client is seriously unwell and has support workers round the clock. They live with family and they have set up a really clear system and routine for support workers. Support workers sign in, there’s a handbook for them, they need to record all the tasks they do, etc.

My client is so lovely, but they’re also very assertive and direct. They are great qualities, and this might sound weird - I find myself a bit scared of them at times. Dealing with very direct people reminds me of my past, because directness has often turned into personal attacks, and because I was always expected to be perfect, all the time. I also find the routine and environment gives me a lot of flashbacks - being supervised as I do housework, being directed on chores to do, etc. Sometimes I actually dread going there. And it’s nothing they are doing wrong, these are all my issues, and that’s what makes me feel bad.

I have thought about ending with this client, but I feel terrible doing so. I feel like I’ll let them and their family down because they need support. Part of me thinks they will understand if I explain it. I really love working with them generally, it’s just these things which have hit me unexpectedly. I guess I’m looking for a bit of perspective here….? Thanks!

[therising]

Hi sparrowhawk

You sound like such a beautiful, deeply caring and sensitive person, able to sense so much. This world is blessed to have you in it. Without people such as yourself, it would be a very different place.

It sounds like you've come so far, regarding the challenges you've faced and still face to various degrees. You have my deepest respect for all the hard work you've done. I think sometimes we can be left asking our self 'Why, when I've done so much hard work and have come so far, am I struggling so much with what I now face?'. I've come to realise on occasion 'This is a next level challenge'. You could say it's about raising our self to new levels of achievement, self understanding and self mastery. Could also say it's worth asking the question on occasion 'How well am I prepared for this particular next level challenge?'. It sounds like it could be fair to say nothing or no one has prepared you for someone shadowing your every move and making you fully accountable for your every move as they dictate and direct you on what those moves should be. Given your past experience, it's completely understandable that this would feel stressful and unbearable.

Wondering whether you'd be interested in returning to speak to one of the guides/professionals who's guided you in the past through some of your trauma. 'I can't do this next level challenge without significant or new tools/management strategies' could be one way of putting it to them. Perhaps another way of managing could involve a next level challenge to raise you not being so intense at this stage. It could involve working for a different client that's challenging but not so intense. So, raising yourself or graduating to higher levels in a more manageable way. You set the pace at which you graduate. If this challenge is just way to much for your nervous system to cope with, your nervous system has to take priority over that client. You gotta look after yourself.

You never know, perhaps you may have some things in common. Whether this client has always been controlling or whether such a nature has developed out of past trauma, leading them to seek control over so much (as a way of managing past abuse), who knows. Maybe you've come to help them in more ways than you may imagine.

[sparrowhawk]

Hi therisi…,

Thank you for such an insightful reply! 

I have made a lot of progress in my challenges, yes, and I do find myself thinking sometimes what you’ve written here - why do I still struggle? What you say about next-level challenges is great. I think challenging ourselves to grow and move forward is really important, but it needs to be at the right pace. In my instance I think I jumped into things because I wanted to “be okay” or at least look like everything was fine. I left my full time job back in March because it was very unfulfilling, and then jumped into a part-time job and support work on the side. I’ve suppressed a lot of my feelings through trauma, and I guess because I think that by now, over two years after I left the community I was in, I should be okay. Your response encouraged me to book in with my GP to chat about counselling. I think it might also be wise to end my work with this client, but perhaps let them know they can still reach out if they need me for one-off help or even friendship. 

[therising]

Hi sparrowhawk

I'm so glad you can see a way forward. With this 'School of hard knocks' business (aka 'Life'), I think there are times where we can learn so much yet, when put to the test, realise what we've learned isn't necessarily enough to pass the test with flying colours. So, back to more learning. In the next exam (examination of what we've learned and how well we've learned it), it's like BAMM, we blitz it. Graduation to higher and higher levels of self understanding is seriously tough business at times, that's for sure. Doesn't help when we've had some seriously questionable, abusive and soul destroying teachers in the past. Waking up to the fact that a lot of the faults we struggle with are not actually ours (they're the result of terrible teaching), is such an important part of learning. 

[blues23]

Hi there sparrow hawk 

I’ve been a support worker for 12 years in & off , I have a base load of about 6 clients per week, the challenges of support work is real hard, it’s ok to set boundaries for your self it’s also ok to say if you don’t like being watched at work i find that quite annoying myself but i guess i trained my brain to ignore the “ watchers “ eventually they stop watching cause your so busy that that can’t follow you around all the time , im glad you’re loving support work but be mindful of your own wellbeing too and look after yourself too 

[sparrowhawk]

Hi therisi,

Thanks for being so helpful! Your message really got me thinking. I put a heap of blame on myself for things, and it’s very hard to see and accept sometimes that it’s not always my fault. 

[sparrowhawk]

Hi there blues23,

Thank you for your reply! I have two clients and think I’m going to leave it at that for now. You’re right, being aware of myself and my needs is really important, too. If I’m not looking after myself, I can’t care for other people well. 

[therising]

Hi sparrowhawk

The ability to feel or sense what's not our fault can be such a liberating ability. While not being about blame, simply awareness, 'Who or where did the cracks/faults in my foundations come from?' can be a handy question to ask at times. Another handy question, 'How do I begin to relay the kind of foundations I want to start solidly building upon?'. Takes a heck of a lot of skill and learning to become a master builder.❤️