Trusting myself

[Merricat]

When I have to make a decision or ask a question I get very confused.  Because I have had mental health issues since I was a little girl, I have never trusted in myself to make the right decisions or say the right words. I still feel like that same little girl who never spoke up or made a decision.  I'm scared my mental health issues are influencing what I say or do, and that what I say or do may not be normal.

Most recent example was a few weeks ago on this forum, I read a reply to the original poster and I was so upset by what they said.  I remembered thinking I should report it but was worried that I may have misinterpreted it so I did nothing.  I found the post again a few weeks later, as I had decided to report it to the moderators, only to find the offensive reply had already been removed.  I hate myself for not actioning it at the time as I know it hurt this young woman.  I can't seem to trust myself with anything.  Sorry if this post doesn't make sense.

[Scared]

Well you can make sense if a post is wrongful  So your cognative ability is there.   You lacking confidence is all   Next time you read or hear something wrong trust in yourself to call it out.

Being slow and cautious to respond can be a wise thing to do at times.  Other times we may need more urgency in life so learn to trust that thing inside you that  screams this is wrong.  

[ABC01]

Dear Merricat,

Reading your post, I identify and empathize with you. I have been suffering from anxiety since I was 12 years old. By 17, I was having panic attacks. I mentioned this because as an adult I was diagnosed to have missed an developmental process/stage as a teenager. Risk-taking. Any decisions I stand at the fork in the road and just stare....for days. I can't make a decision because I am scared I will make the wrong one. No one ever taught me that I can go down one road and turn back if I make the wrong decision and take the other road. I was taught, no safety net. Sink or swim. I was also criticized for whether I sank or swam. And unintentional or not, that made decision making that much harder to, as I knew I would be judged.

Being assertive and making boundaries is a newer concept to me and can be uncomfortable. But, it can be liberating. If it is rational and reasonable, then why not? Sometimes people aren't aware they are doing something, until someone tells them. Also sometimes people are not intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, but their delivery sucks. You can be honest, without being nasty.

However it sounds as if someone else found the post inappropriate and reported it. And it has been removed.

I too have had times where I wonder if I may have misinterpreted something. It is okay to not know. Especially when we use technology to write instead of face-to-face communication. Then you know when stuff is nasty or not. Your post makes sense. Self-confidence is something that is achieved with practice. You may have missed your opportunity with that post, but maybe you won't miss the next. Please don't hate yourself for pausing. However, next time try to action it a little faster, so you don't have to carry it around with you. You don't need that and these forums are moderated to be a safe place for everyone and that includes you.

If you are scared your mental health issues are influencing what you say or do, and that what you say or do may not be normal, is there someone you can talk to about that in a professional capacity? That must be a scary thought to carry around with you. But I understood your post, no problems.🙂

ABC01

[Merricat]

Thanks Scared.  Self confidence and people pleasing is something I need to work on.  🐱

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

I related to nearly everything you said in your reply except for risk taking.  I'm definitely not a risk taker, just the opposite, I like routine and order but I think you were referring to your teenage years.  I spent most of my childhood and teenage life in my bedroom where I felt relatively safe. I remember my mother would say in an exasperated voice "what's wrong with you", once she broke a plate over my head she was so frustrated by my lack of involvement with the family.  Back then I didn't know why I didn't act like my siblings or why I was always so afraid. 

I was afraid of life as a child, teenager and an adult, I have always had trouble understanding people and expressing myself to them so I remained mute.  My siblings don't contact me anymore as they said they don't know what to say to me so now I accept that I must live alone.  I don't have much life experience so I'm not a very interesting person.

I have a good GP who I see twice a year but I have an aversion to seeing a therapist.  I guess current events that are unfolding in my life right now have thrown me of course and are bringing back memories of abuse.  I have always been afraid of men and it would take alot of therapy and money to overcome that particular fear.  My answer to everything is to hide and wait it out.  I think that post I saw triggered me as it was so critical but maybe he was just frustrated.

Thank you so much for opening up to the forum as I always relate and empathise with your posts, especially about being scared and lonely.  I pretend I'm not but I am and I just don't know how to make friends let alone keep them.  Your posts are so honest and I'm learning alot from them and the replies.  I'm glad your medication has been kicking in and you are experiences moments of happiness.  I also have sweet moments of happiness.  However, I'm turning my head towards Christmas as this time of year requires careful planning.  It will be my 35th one on my own.

Thank you for answering my post so thoughtfully.

Take care

Merricat 🐱 

[Scared]

I think I know the post you are referring to.   If im correct it was borderline and hard to make a judgement.   Was it about sending photos online.   

[Merricat]

Yes.  It was the sad way that the young woman replied to him.  Apologising and hoping that we would all forgive her.  It broke my heart. 

[ABC01]

Thank you for YOUR kind words Merricat,

To be honest, I have been having such a hard time that coming on these forums and answering others posts,has been a little therapeutic. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I have or currently do. And as a child and teenager, alot of services weren’t available at the time, like they are now. So if I can share anything I have learned with others as an adult, I want too. And if they share back, perhaps I will learn something too.

I can understand having an aversion to seeing a therapist. It is so personal and you do “need to shop around” for the right person you click with. However the ability to tell your life’s story and current experiences to a mental health professional like a psychologist, can be so validating. But you always need to feel comfortable and safe in what you are doing. Medication is one aspect of recovery,therapy is another. It is also a great place to learn empowering skills and self confidence. Just something to consider. And on your own terms.

Christmas for me this year will be hard too. It has always been my responsibility to organise and get everything together,but this year, I just can’t be bothered or even care. My headspace, trying to organise so much, it is just too much. I also don’t feel the happiness and cheer the “Season” requires and I don’t want to force it. But I am already feeling pressure from family. If it was up to me, I’d just miss it. However life is short,so maybe I need to show up for others. I am sorry if this is insensitive to your situation.

 I don’t believe life experiences are the value or measuring scale that makes you an interesting person. I do know someone who I constantly find out something new about them. It is to the point where when I find out something new ,“Of course you are/do” silently comes across my mind. Sometimes people can be too much. It doesn’t make me feel inadequate, it just annoys me. If someone can do that much in life,it must mean they have only dabbled in it. No one has that much time to do all of that properly. So please don’t measure yourself against others life experience. Childhood and adolescence count in our mental health. And everyone has a different experience. Plus, we never know what happens behind closed doors. Maybe we see a front that doesn’t match what is happening where we can’t see.

Thank you for supporting me and giving me a boost on a down day.

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi Scared

Probably best I don't say anything. I'm sure it was me misinterpreting things again. My mind doesn't work properly sometimes and I get obsessed about things. I always enjoy reading your advise to people, like ABC01, you both have a knack for helping people. 🌷

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

Thanks again for your support.  I'm seeing my GP early next year so I'll see if I can get a single therapy session and take it from there.  I'm in two minds about medication as I've pretty much tried all SSRIs and have had uncommon side affects.  I'm still suffering from uncontrollable twitching which is a uncommon side affect.

I hope after the year you have had someone will organise a lovely Christmas lunch for you and make of fuss of you.  Otherwise just say you are so emotionally exhausted that you will spend the day alone.  I usually make sure I have plenty of books and audio CDs to see me through Christmas and Boxing day.

Take care.

Merricat 😼