Struggling at the moment

[Toby]

Hello everyone, this is my first post, so I hope it's ok. I've suffered depression for many years, but it's now developed into, and been diagnosed as, General Anxiety Disorder, which is in my case, is having a much greater detrimental affect on me. I have a loving, very supportive wife, a nice home, and so I know there are many many people worse of than me, & I'm grateful for what I have. Nevertheless, I just cannot shake the anxiety that I have, it's with me all the time, it's affecting my life, what I do, I feel frightened, afraid, have no self confidence, & I just can't get myself going. So, I'm hoping to find support & discussion on Beyond Blue, where I can discuss my issues with other people who may have the same issues. 

[Morph]

Hi Toby, welcome and congratulations on your first post.

You are not alone, there are many of us here you feel the same or similar to you.  I'm looking forward to reading further posts from you going into the future and helping you on your journey to wellness.

[AudaciousPoodle]

Hi Toby,

Reading your post sounds just like what I'm experiencing at the moment. I have such a fantastic partner, and a nice home, and his support, but just feel so worthless and anxious about anything that's outside my circle of control. I recently started, and quit, 2 new jobs, and the feeling of failure and worry over the future is just crippling. It's not just mental, either, it's a physical response, which is really affecting my life. 

Just thought I'd reach out and let you know that you aren't alone, and a problem shared is a problem allieviated, sometimes. 

[_Gigi_]

Hello Toby,

I'm glad you've decided to reach out, and I hope these forums will be of great help to you. I also suffer from depression, and find myself having many difficult days. Quite a bit of what you said in your post resonates with me. Know that I am sending you best wishes on your mental health journey.

-Gigi

[Toby]

My anxiety is affecting my whole life. When I was diagnosed with depression over 30 years ago, I thought that was pretty bad, & it was,...but this anxiety is affecting me far more. I do like to have a drink, & try to confine myself to a bottle of white or red, 3 days a week, Friday, Saturday & Sunday evenings after dinner whilst watching TV etc. It make me feel really good, but for sure it affects my sleep, & the next morning I don't feel so good. I do know this is not good. But nevertheless, the good feelings genereated on those three evenings are hard to ignore. Talking to my sister about this, her answer was, well, you do have to "live". One good thing I have been able to avchieve ove the last year or so is to lose 25+ kilos of weight....which is something I CAN control,...unfortunately what goes on in my head etc, I find impossible to control. I'm really feeling for anyone who feels like I do, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially those who are alone, who have no close personal support etc.

[_Gigi_]

Hi Toby,

I'm sorry to hear how much your anxiety has been affecting you. I understand how scary those feelings can be, and it's even harder to deal with when your sleep is being disturbed. Personally, my anxiety has translated into recurring nightmares, which makes getting a good night's sleep a struggle. Do you find there's anything that helps you feel relaxed but also have a restful sleep? I like to journal and listen to music to help me wind down. I'm sure others here on the forum will also have good suggestions. I hope this was at least somewhat helpful, and I wish you well!

Best wishes, Gigi

[Toby]

Well, Hello again everyone, it seems that 2 weeks has gone by sinse my first post, and so thank you to those who replied. Nothing has changed, I'm still here, "plodding along" I guess, but at times, particularly in the early morning when I wake up, could be 2am etc, I feel REALLY bad, & just can't get back to sleep again. During the day, luckily being older, I don't have to do a lot, but I'm anxious all the time, never goes away. Over the years, I've tried various medications, mainly for depression, none really worked, & the last regular psychiatrist I had, now retired, treated me, kept me going etc, with no medication. Our then family doctor told me about 50 years ago that the best medication was "No Medication". Just recently, last 8 or 9 months etc, I've seen a local psychiatrist who put me on something that just made me dizzy & affected my speech, balance etc. I'll be seeing her for the first time in a few months in a couple of weeks. At the moment, I'm still enjoying a bottle of wine Friday, Saturday,Sunday nights, & I'm hoping that I don't have to give that up, because it's one of the few relaxing activities that I enjoy, but of course, I do realize alcohol is a drug, & in itself can cause depression. AFAIAC, whilst my depression which first affected me over 30 yrs ago was bad enough, my anxiety which I feel has gradually worsened over the last 2 yrs or so, is far worse & affected my enjoyment of everyday life, much more. I'm at a loss really about what to do, but rest assured I'm not about to do anything stupid, I have a very loving caring wife, I just wish I could enjoy my life which is currently being ruined by what has been diagnosed as "General Anxiety Disorder". 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Toby,

I just thought I'd offer up some thoughts based on what has helped me in case they are in any way helpful.

I have also experienced significant anxiety and in my case a lot of fear as well that has its origins in a number of past trauma issues. What I am learning to do is to be inquiring towards the anxiety. So instead of seeing it as a bad thing to get rid of, I've come to realise anxiety is communication from within my psyche and nervous system that's trying to balance things out. I can even have a kind of conversation with the anxiety and befriend it, and in that process it starts to lose its power to affect me in a negative/stressful way. Instead, the anxiety starts to de-escalate and my nervous system no longer feels like I need to be on such high alert.

I recently had a very bad reaction to a trauma therapy that led to a lot of re-traumatisation, so fear and anxiety have been through the roof for me. But just being present with it and allowing it rather than fighting it, as hard as that might feel initially, has given the anxiety a chance to speak and be heard. And in that process there is a release from it to a degree. It's still a work in progress for me, especially as a lot of my anxiety goes back to very primal trauma, but things are improving this way. Sometimes it will initially feel a bit more intense by allowing it to be felt, but that is what allows it to release from the system. Bracing against it and holding it down only feeds it. Trying to numb it is only temporary as well. But just being very kindly and compassionately present with it gives it a chance to release. Sometimes this can be emotional, but that's ok and is part of the process. It's just important to go gently and kindly.

I've read and heard similar things about anger - that anger only releases when we allow ourselves to feel it (in a non-destructive way). Anger becomes destructive when we actually aren't allowing it to be felt and metabolised, that's reactive anger that often then gets stuck in a cycle. It's the reason why sometimes you will see an angry person break down and cry when they actually feel their anger instead of reacting to it, because now they are actually connecting with and feeling the emotion underlying the outward expression of anger. I think it's the same with anxiety - it feels awful so we understandably react adversely to it. That keeps the anxiety cycle going. But when we just allow it, acknowledge it and be kind to whatever may come up around the anxiety, that is often the beginning of healing it.

I hope maybe that helps a bit. I hope you can find ways to start feeling better soon.

Take care,
ER

[Toby]

Well Hello again, I'm still here, not feeling any better at all, as I've said before this anxiety is just the worst thing. I mean, I should wake up in the morning, looking at a bright blue sky, my lovely wife, & feel really good, & positive, but as usual  I just feel awful. Today's friday, so weekend coming up, I don't drink during the week, but I do enjoy a bottle of wine on Fri, Sat, & Sunday night. Now I know that's not perfect, but I feel I've lost enjoyment of so many things, I'm not doing much, and so this is one of the things that I can do that I really do enjoy, and of course I never drive or anything like that after enjoying the wine, I'm always at home. And of course the next morning I feel pretty average, but not much worse that I feel now after not having a drink all week. I'm not taking any medication at the moment, I was taking some, but it just made me dizzy, affected my speech, balance etc, so I stopped taking it. Of course at the time I was having my weekend drinks as detailed, so I suppose people will say, maybe corectly, that the alcohol adversely affected your medication. So now, I've got the weekend coming up, it's Friday, & I'm facing not drinking anything this weekend. But I just feel that if I do that, that'll be just one more thing that I can't enjoy, it may just make me feel more depressed, not being able to enjoy one of the few things I really do enjoy.Thinga are not good at all. When I last saw my psychiatrist, & I was taking medication she said it was OK to drink. I wasn't really impressed with her, I don't feel I made a "connection" with her, but anyway I've made another appointment & will see her in a coupleof weeks. 

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Toby,

I'm so sorry that you feel like that. I can understand how anxiety can make us feel horrible, frustrated, confused and it interferes with our good life. Sometimes even good life can make us worry that it won't last. We're attached to it so much that we worried if something happens, we won't handle it. Yes, things can happen but might not and everything might be ok for the rest of our lives. We don't know, it's really hard to predict the future. All we know that today our life is good and everything is good and we need to enjoy it while it lasts.

I think it's really important to learn to be calm as much as we can because the more we get upset that we're upset, the more we'll get upset. We need to learn to break the cycle. Have you tried some relaxation techniques that could help you to calm down? Walking works really well for me and while doing it, I focus on peaceful surroundings and how everything is ok at this moment.

I hope that this helped at least a little bit, please be nice to yourself and let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it