Struggling at the moment

[Toby]

Hello everyone, this is my first post, so I hope it's ok. I've suffered depression for many years, but it's now developed into, and been diagnosed as, General Anxiety Disorder, which is in my case, is having a much greater detrimental affect on me. I have a loving, very supportive wife, a nice home, and so I know there are many many people worse of than me, & I'm grateful for what I have. Nevertheless, I just cannot shake the anxiety that I have, it's with me all the time, it's affecting my life, what I do, I feel frightened, afraid, have no self confidence, & I just can't get myself going. So, I'm hoping to find support & discussion on Beyond Blue, where I can discuss my issues with other people who may have the same issues. 

[therising]

Hi Toby

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with what can feel so depressing and anxiety inducing at times. 

I'm wondering whether it would make any difference to put a different spin on anxiety and depression, one that can have us being far kinder to ourself and more patient with ourself. If you could say 'I'm able to sense more than most', you could say you have an ability that not everyone has (the ability to sense easily). Yes, it's an ability that can feel far more like a curse at times but it's one nonetheless. The question then becomes 'How do I manage what I can easily sense?'. For example, you could say

• I can sense a lack of time in which to complete an overload of work
• I can sense my nervous system going into overdrive
• I can sense the depressing impact of alcohol. With this one I often wondered why alcohol contributed to depression (something I found to be the case when I was younger). I'm a 55yo gal, by the way. Research points to alcohol being a stimulant up to a point. Beyond that point it begins to act as a depressant/suppressant. It suppresses certain functions and chemistry in the brain and body
• I can sense other people's emotions, such as their disappointment, anger, relief, disapproval etc
• I can sense the energy and impact of my own thoughts and inner dialogue
• I can sense when someone makes a difference regarding the way I'm feeling life, my thoughts, my nervous system, my vision of the way ahead and so on and I can sense who makes no difference at all
• I can sense my fears and my lack of confidence

and the list goes on and on and on. How to manage being able to sense or feel all those things? How to stop feeling everything 24/7? All that stuff can become thoroughly exhausting if there's no way to turn it off (for a break) or turn the volume down.

If emotion is energy in motion (e-motion), the question becomes 'How to manage the energy I can literally feel?'. Whether it's mental energy, physical/chemical energy or even a natural or soulful sense of energy that we're feeling at any given moment, becoming a master of it all requires great self understanding. Personally, I'm still an apprentice 😊. One of they key things I've learned, when it comes to unlocking new levels of self understanding, self understanding doesn't happen all at once. We graduate time and time again through understanding the nature of the challenges we face and what they're calling us to do.

[AudaciousPoodle]

Hi Toby,

Thought I'd reply again, as you have updated. I think you said you were not working or retired, and I thought I'd give you my perspective on how inactivity has affected me by exacerbating my anxious feelings. Sometimes, when I have little to do at work, or it's the weekend, or I am not working, this lull makes my brain start overthinking and catastrophising, which definitely makes my anxiety ten times worse!

I have found that keeping busy, even by writing a list at the beginning of the day with really achieveable chores or goals like "Hang out laundry" or even "Have a shower" gives me a focus point and a little sense of control over my day. 

I've recently started seeing a psychologist who seems to "get me". I think this is really important. I read that you're not too impressed with your psychiatrist at the moment, and I thought to share an analogy that a psychlogist years ago told me:

"People are tea-drinkers or coffee-drinkers. Psychologists are like tea or coffee. Sometimes, we're just not your cup of tea. You have to find the right person who will understand and "get" you to feel as though you can really open up and be supported"

This helped me in the way I view therapy, so thought to share!

Being honest, for me to deal with the anxiety of what might happen tomorrow or in the future, I also have a few glasses of wine in the evenings. Where you limit to the weekends, it's almost every night for me! It's hard to take this crutch away when it dulls the feeling of panic and uncertainty of the future. My psychologist said that I tend to have a "Flight" response to the unknown or things I can't control (which, having Generalised Anxiety Disorder, is almost everything, it seems!). I think drinking alcohol numbs the "flight" response - my brain lets me think more logically about things when I'm not in a state of running away and panic!!

Anyway, I thought to reach out again, and just share that. Although I am a thirty year old woman, and maybe in a little bit of a different life stage to you, I think hearing different perspectives and sharing thoughts together is really helpful. 

I hope you're having a good week, with some positives to focus on! 

All the Best 

C

[Toby]

Hello again, & thank you to everyone who has replied to me. I'm not sure whether it's the right thing to do but I have acknowledged your replies in the "support" window. That's about the only good thing I can say, because nothing is improving for me, but I do know that I'm lucky to have a safe warm house in which to feel safe. Tomorrow I will be seeing my psychiatrist for the first time in several months. I haven't been really impressed with her, but I feel I have to do something. As I've said, I do enjoy a bottle of wine on Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights, & I do enjoy it, but of course on the following morning I don't feel so good, & I'm aware that this is what happens with alcohol, which can also adversely affect medication. I've always resisted medication, tried it a few times, over the years (with no success), but on this occasion, when I talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow, I feel I have to try to be more proactive, and so I will ask for suitable medication. However, I feel that as alcohol can adversely react with anti-depressants etc, I think i'm going to be instructed not to have a drink for this reason,......and this is giving me further reason to be unhappy because it's one of the few things that makes me happy, relax a little, even if it's only for the immediate evening etc. So, I don't feel that I have much to look forward to tomorrow. Lack of sleep is a major issue for me, tossing & turning during the night etc, regularly with only about 2 hrs real sleep, I've been wondering how this will affect my heart, health etc, but a recent check up with my GP confirmed I was ok. However I need to strongly mention, I am thankful for, & will never forget, what appears to be my otherwise good health. Thanks again, those that have replied to me. I will try to keep in touch.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Toby

It's good to see that you're looking to get more help as I can see that it affects quality of your life. I hope that you'll find what is it that you're processing or worrying about that is disturbing your sleep. I can see that you're feeling guilty about your drinking and hopefully psychiatrist will help you with that and how to find a way to feel better about reducing it or eliminating it.

I hope that everything will go well for you, please feel free to let us know how it went if you feel like it

[Toby]

So yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist for the first time in a few months. I needed to do something, because I've been going downhill. Told her that I was feeling the worst I ever had, a long way worse than any depression I've ever had, and that the anxiety was affecting every part of my life. Pretty tough on my wife too, who supports me absolutely the best she can. So I've agreed to take some medication, & I've resigned myself that if I really want to give the medication a chance, then I'll have to cut down on my alcohol consumption which basically is a bottle of wine Fri, Sat & Sun nights (plus a bit of "cheating" sometimes). We discussed how I felt, told her I thought I was wasting my life, waiting to die, & that maybe I should go to hospital. Surprisingly she said, "well, do you want to go to hospital"?..The short answer is NO, I don't, but I was surprised she asked the question, she even mentioned a couple of hospitals. Anyway, I'll take the medication, cut down on my alcohol (she said I didn't have to cut it out altogether,..a couple of glasses say 3-4 times a week would not affect my medication, which is what I was afraid of). Anyway, anything would be an improvement for me, relative to how I've been feeling lately, so I'll see how I go.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Toby,

I really hope you experience some benefit from the medication and start to feel better soon. It's good you were really open with the psychiatrist. You still have the option, as you say, of the couple of glasses 3-4 times a week too, so you are not having to totally give up the wine that you find gives you some benefit to how you feel. It's such a balancing act isn't it. It will probably be good to cut down on the wine so you don't have the downside of not feeling so great the next day, and hopefully things will start to balance out.

We are here anytime you want to chat and let us know how you are going.

All the very best,

ER

[Toby]

Well, I'm still here, nothing much has changed, except that I had a medical "episode" last weekend. I was attending a function commemorating a friend of mine's life, where I was one of two to speak, which went well, had several comments relative to what I said. However, afterwards, in the function room, having a coffee & a biscuit etc, I started to feel nauseous, so I sat down, & then I collapsed/feinted at the table. I regained consciousness in a few seconds but an ambulance was called (Paramedics) who were absolutely brilliant, they wanted  to take me to hospital, but I didn't want to go. But, I thought better of it the next day, & was admitted overnight where the nurses & everybody who were looking after me were absolutely first class.They monitored my heart etc & all was good, so I came home the next day,& I'm OK. Hard to say what caused it, but I just feel, continual lack of sleep, worry/anxiety just got on top of me in a warm humid room, together with the sadness of losing a good friend & remembering our youth (I remembered what those carefree days were like with no anxiety/worries etc) , the body just had enough,so I feinted. So I'm still plodding along,taking full dose of medication now after a week of 50%. I've also cut down on the alcohol, no more bottle on Fri, Sat & Sun, maybe just one bottle over those three nights. Anxiety is just the worst thing, affecting everything, sleep etc. Still, I know there are lots of people worse off than me. All I can do is to "march on" & try to focus on the many good things in my life, but it's very very difficult.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Toby,

Well done on giving the speech to commemorate your friend and I'm really sorry to hear about the medical episode. I'm glad you are doing ok now after getting checked out. As you say, a combination of factors sounds likely given all you have been going through lately. I wonder too if your body is adjusting a bit to the new meds too? I know I've had a spaced out effect on new meds at times.

Anxiety really is the worst thing. I'm really sorry you're going through it. Take good care and I think continuing one step at a time and going gently is a good way to manage. Do you find going for a bit of a walk helps, if you are feeling up to it? I have found that some daily exercise does help me sleep better at night. Take it easy of course if you do get out and about. I have found just feeling the breeze or sunshine on my face and being in nature can make quite a difference.

All the best to you,

ER

[Toby]

Another update from me, but basically I'm really not making any progress. A major issue is lack of sleep or insomnia as they call it. Really draining, I mean it takes me an hour or so to try to get to sleep, than after a couple of hours I wake up, & then cannot get back to sleep again, getting up after several hours feeling like I've had no sleep, which can't be good for me. I think the medication I'm now on may have something to do with it, but I'll just persevere with it for a couple more weeks & then talk about a replacement which mightn't be so sleep sensitive. I don't really know what else to do. Last time I saw my psychiatrist I mentioned sort of in jest, that maybe I should go to hospital, & she said, well do you want to go to hospital, to which my answer was a firm no, I don't see what they could do over a few days that would be any better than anything I'm now doing. I've cut down the alcohol, instead of a bottle of wine Fri, Sat & Sun (3), I still have about a third of a bottle of the one & only bottle I bought this weekend on Friday, so cut back by at least 2/3...under one bottle instead of three. Didn't seem to make any difference to anything though! I don't know what else I can do,.....is there anyone else who has not been able to shake "general anxiety disorder"? It's just the worst thing I've ever encountered by a long shot.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Toby

I'm sorry that you're not feeling any better. It's definitely hard to deal with it as our mind can become very dark place and our survival instincts can trigger all sorts of ugly thoughts. This is what work for me when my anxiety and panic attacks became severe. 

I decided to take charge of what is happening in my mind, I'm the boss. The first step was to learn how to relax. I thought I was doing it but it took me nearly fifty years to realise that I'm pretty bad at it. If I knew how to relax, I wouldn't have anxiety.

So this is what helped me to learn to stay calm whatever my mind is doing:

- avoiding "freeze" mode - being still can trigger survival mode so gentle physical activity is necessary to get into natural relaxed "grazing" state
- focusing on my physical surrounding and seeing how peaceful, stable, predictable, reliable things are around me
- reducing my body temperature - less clothing, cold water at the end of shower, wash my face or hands in cold water
- aligning my thoughts with present external reality, anything other than that is either nonsense or unknown and can't be relied on or long gone
- realising that for something bad to happen there is a process to it that precedes, bad things don't just happen out of blue, there are always warning signs, and start seeing the order of things
- learning lessons from the past and creating "rules" how to prevent bad things happening or learning how to accept the bad with the good and not letting the good to be spoiled by some imperfections, perfection doesn't exist
- appreciate and focus on the current good things and protect them and not let my mind spoil it

Different things might work for you and it does take patience. It is a skill that needs to be learnt and practiced to get good at it. Eventually, it becomes second nature and we start doing it without even knowing. Just imagine how great it would be to live without anxiety.