No good at small talk

[Guest_1055]

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

[White_Rose]

Hello Shelley

Well Christmas is over and I already feel better. Spent Sunday either sleeping or just lounging around but I have a bit of energy back today. Probably because the weather is cooler. I did some washing and that makes me feel good to see clothes and sheets etc flapping on the line. My grandson has a week off work and has gone home to his parents. Now I have the house to myself and it's really great.

You asked about my working life. Yes I enjoyed it very much would have stayed longer but I became unwell. Turned out to be the fault of a medication I was taking (not an AD), which made me extremely tired. But once you have retired and found other volunteer work, then there's no going back.

The secret of knowing what makes people tick is to listen to them and sometimes put yourself in their shoes. How would I feel, what would I do, are good questions to ask yourself. That isn't the whole answer of course, because what we would do and say is always going to be different to someone else. The exercise is useful because you are including a person's background, where you can, and looking at the their life experiences. It can come as a bit of a shock at times to realise how others live.

At work I came across people with amazing stories, both staff and clients. And when I read some of the posts here on BB I am gobsmacked again. Not so much because of what has happened, but because the person posting appears to accept it all as normal. I am hoping to do some pastoral work next year. If nothing else it will teach me to shut up and listen carefully.

I believe being open to everyone's point of view is something we need to learn. Agreement or disagreement is not the point. Being accepting is what it's all about. Well, I know the theory, just need to put it into practice a little better.

Did I say I was feeling more energetic? It's 10:30 am and I am yawning my head off. Need to go for a nanna nap.

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M

Yes I know what you are saying, it does seem like others can easily engage in small talk, it just sort of rolls of their tongue or something.  For me I want to talk with honesty. Like whatever I say, I want it to have meaning. And I just want to be myself.

I am not sure there is a cure though MisterM. I think it takes practice for people like us. But also I think we have to learn to accept ourselves, and know that sure, others are better at the small talk thing. And that is maybe there strength. But we also have strengths too, just maybe in other areas. Like I know, from reading other posts of yours that you are pretty good with music. And you even write songs, well that is way cool......

Even as I am writing this, I am thinking what could Mister M do on a date. Well why couldn't you just sing your feelings out. How special and unique is that.... And if this is the real you, just let this shine out.

Ok hugs to you

Shelley xx

[Guest_1055]

Hope you have a restful nanna nap, Mary.....

What is it about seeing clean clothes just flapping there in the wind drying on the clothesline. I love seeing that sort of thing.

And the pastoral work, is that  just like counseling?

You are right, I think about accepting people. For me I may not always agree on their behaviour, or their choosen lifestyle. Because some things don't seem right to me. It would be the behaviour that I don't accept, not the actual person.  

Well I do hope you have a really good rest, and is it nice and quiet at your place then?

Hugs to Mary

Shelley  xx

[White_Rose]

Yep, had a nap and got up feeling much better. Accepting people is not the same as accepting their behaviour. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, no two ways about it.

Shelley, for someone who cannot 'do' small talk you have chatted to me very fluently. You have your opinions and interests and you have encouraged me to talk about my experiences. I know it's easier to write than talk, but hey, look how you have coped. You agreed about the washing, and yes there is something about clean clothes flapping on the line. I used to enjoy seeing a line of clean nappies drying but these days it's all disposables.

To answer you about pastoral care, it's more about letting people talk, especially about their spiritual life. I am not a counsellor of any description. It's keeping people company and talking about their spiritual journey if they wish to do this. And no, I'm not a priest of any shade or description. I'm just someone who likes to listen and talk with others, especially those who have few people to talk to.

My house is quiet but then my grandson is not noisy. I just know he is home and sometimes I want my home to myself. I tell myself not to be selfish, but I enjoy my solitude at times.

If you keep going your small talk will end up as big talk.

Mary

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley anne,

Yeah I am pretty introverted naturally, I can't change that.
Like I am the most silent in a group of people I don't know too well or don't feel comfortable with.
I can chat away with people I know well and am closer too.
At work people always told me I am so quiet.
I've always been quiet, daydreamer type.
Thank you for your compliment about my music. I don't know if I could serenade a girl, I don't have the guts and I don't rate my voice that well.

Hugs back to you.

[Guest_1055]

Ah thankyou Mary for your reply.

Yes writing is far easier for me then verbally speaking. But I have definitely pushed myself of late to engage with others outside the safe walls of BB. And it hasn't been easy at times, but I think the more I feel free and relaxed or something the easier it becomes. Though fear does come knocking at my door and then it is more of a challenge. Or sometimes I am just too sad and just want to be by myself. 

Yes some people would be lonely and would appreciate you listening to them. So would you go out to them, like to their place, or would they come to you? 

Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

With many hugs

Shelley xx

[White_Rose]

Congratulations on your efforts. That is a huge milestone for you.

Yes, like all things, flexing that particular muscle always makes it stronger. Sometimes it hurts to do that. I broke my kneecap many years ago and need physio to regain flexibility and strength in the supporting muscles. I also needed to keep on doing the exercises at home and they were quite uncomfortable. Since I had no intention of using a crutch for the rest of my life I gritted my teeth and persevered. Taught me a lot about life as well as getting my leg back in shape.

I will start the pastoral care in the local nursing home under the auspices of the co-ordinator.  Later I hope to visit people in their homes. Got a lot of learning to do first.

So what hobbies or other interests do you have? I like embroidery, scrapbooking, reading and tracing my family history. I am also a member of a book club which meets monthly, a weekly mediation group and a twice monthly home study group. I like to listen to books on CD which I borrow from my local library. That way I can sew at the same time. And I answer posts on BB when I am not overwhelmed with my own problems.

Wanting to be on your own at times is normal. Enjoy the solitude.

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M,

 I am pretty sure I would say I was introverted as well. Yes and quite. Even on report cards from school days it would say that" I needed to come out of my shell". I grew up thinking something was wrong with me. But I now believe that it is OK to be quite.

I was just wondering if you are a good listener then, and can you observe your surroundings very well??

I know you did a degree, what did you study?

Well I hope you are having an OK day.

Hug

Shelley xx

[Guest_1055]

I like how you are very determined Mary. And perseverance is a good quality within ourselves to obtain. I guess this is something that can come out of going through such difficult circumstances. So how did you break your knee cap?

Yes I like reading too, I love to leaf through colourful cookbooks. I am mainly into plant based foods, as I am in the process of changing what I eat. I have an e-reader device which allows me to download books onto it. So I have a lot of cookbooks stored on there. But I also enjoy uplifting and beautiful fiction type stories as well. And have quite a large physical library at my place. And I do own a copy of "Anne Of Green Gables" which is a bit like an audio book, only it is an audio drama.

I have sewed before, but I would say I am a basic self taught  sewer. I have tried to sew a few dresses ,off patterns, but I could never get them to fit right. And I have sewn a quilt top, but have yet to complete the rest of it. So what sort of sewing do you do?

I also like to grow and use herbs, I enjoy music, at the moment I have been listening to the instrumental voilin music from a movie called "Ladies in Lavender", I don't know...... it is just real beautiful and makes you want to dance.

What is the home study group you go to?

Hope this post isn't too long now, and I hope you are feeling well Mary.

With many hugs

Shelley xx

[White_Rose]

Your reply is perfect. It's good to get to know the Shelley behind the posts. Now the art of cooking is something that totally escapes me. I can cook a meal but I cannot call myself inspired in any way. People who can whip
up a lovely meal in nothing flat astound me, (and make me jealous). Are you a good cook?

I have embroidered for many years and make dresses for my granddaughters. I used to make my children's clothes and school uniforms but they are a bit past that these days. Although I did make maternity dresses for my second daughter.

I am researching my family history and finding it quite fascinating. Hardship and early death, criminals, the move from the country to the towns, large families, second and third marriages, I have it all.

Book club where we read mostly fiction. I think what I most enjoy is being with a group of like-minded people AND TALKING. I think I can talk underwater.

Home group is a bible study group. We are having a break until February when we will start our annual Lenten study. Lent is very early this year, Ash Wednesday being 10th February. This group has been meeting for about five years, possibly more, and with mostly the original ladies. No men although this was by accident rather than design.

Reading is a delight. My tastes have changed over time. I read all the classics when I was a child, including Anne of Green Gables and I keep my grandchildren supplied with these books. I am a big fan of Agatha Christie, Georgette Heyer and Anna McCaffrey. However, since I went to uni in my fifties I find I now prefer non-fiction. History, philosophy, spirituality, biographies, poetry and sociology.

Scrapbooking is a big delight. I have just finished a scrapbook of my elder daughter's wedding and I am very pleased with it. Took several months to complete.

Meditation, though it's more a way of life.

I volunteer with an organisation that helps people with mental health issues reconnect with the community, although I do not do this part. I help people with disabilities learn to read and write. Like many organisations, this one is closed for the Christmas break so I am at a bit of loose end.

I like to be busy and constructive. Not doing something for the sake of it, which is why I enjoy my volunteer role and the prospective pastoral care. And of course BB.

I broke my knee when I fell out of the bath. No laughing please. It's not everyone who can fall out of a bath. I think I tripped but my memory is a bit clouded. Probably embarrassment.

Mary