No good at small talk

[Guest_1055]

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

[Tryingtostaypositive]

Hi Shelley 

i struggle with small talk at times. I have recently found out I'm an introvert and find small talk "hard" and kinda boring. but yet I do it anyway to be social at work and when I'm around people. Deep down its near to torture but I also wish I was better at it and wish I enjoyed it to be like everyone else. Tip 1. I try to stay focused and really listen to the person/people I am interacting with Tip 2. Try not be afraid to be yourself. These are things I am trying to work on. It's really hard though when I'm struggling with depression but any little effort I make it feels good to me, even if the feel good feeling doesn't stay around for long. 

I hope this helps. 

[Guest_1055]

 Hello TTSP

It does sound boring sometimes doesn't it? One time the lady at bakers delight, you know the bread shop. Well she and I are strangers, she asked me how I was, I told her the truth. The truth that day was ...... I was struggling with sadness and it was an awful day. She looked stunned, and didn't really say much back.

And yes your suggestions helped. Thank you

With hugs

Shelley xx

[Tryingtostaypositive]

Hi again Shelley, 

the thing with small talk I find is sometimes we gotta fake it with a "I'm good thanks" even when we not feeling that great. Lately, I been saying that everyday to the people at work, friends and random people I come into contact with.. just to get by in society and "trying to be positive" (why I have that username)

hope that made sense. 

Good thing about this forum is you can express exactly how you feel without judgement from others. I really fear of getting judged by the people.  

[White_Rose]

Shelley

I've heard small talk described as the oil that greases the wheels of society. It's about acknowledging each other, recognising the other as a part of the same society. That probably sounds deep and meaningful and a load of rubbish, but it is true. How do we acknowledge someone else, especially someone we don't know, such as your bread shop lady.

Imagine if that lady only heard "six rolls please." or "two meat pies" etc. That person would start to feel invisible after a while. So when someone says "Hello, are you" they are acknowledging the other as person. You do this a great deal on various threads. You sympathize, console, rejoice etc with others which makes them feel good, which is particularly fantastic in this context.

Small talk in other circumstances has the same reason and outcome. We are all fellow travelers in this world and even brief remarks confirm this to each other. This is why being 'sent to Coventry' is such a shattering experience. When people were exiled as a punishment it truly was an end of life experience. So we comfort each other by short remarks and the general 'How are you' comments.

I expect you already know this but I wanted to remind you because I find it helps to remember why you do things. A casual word can lift the spirits of someone, whether or not you know it. It is a good motivator when you feel it's difficult to chat.

So what to say? If you don't know someone, smile and say my name is Shelley. You get a smile and a the name of the other. And often the other person will make a comment you can respond to. Easy? Well probably not, at least until you have done a million times.

My job involved lots of talking, not just to my immediate colleagues, but to staff all over the state. One of my roles was training officer and there were times when I received a fairly hot reception. Imagine telling a room full of men with very definite views what the Anti Discrimination Act meant. Sometimes I would leave feeling as though I had been run over by a truck. I did get tougher and it did get easier, but I used to shake all over before those first sessions.

So even on my darkest days I can still hold a small talk conversation. The surprise is that makes me feel better to be able to do this even though I just want to run away. Two people have acknowledged each other and we have oiled the wheels of the world.

I do hope that helps as an explanation even if it does not help with the how-to.

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Mary for your explanation, I appreciate it. I guess you are acknowledging the person, and you are showing them that you have noticed them. For so long I had been caught up within myself and extremely inward looking. I have been trying over the last couple of months to get out of my comfort zone, and verbally say hello and smile at others, especially in shops. I have noticed there faces soften a bit. 

But I still find it awkward if some person asks me how I am, for they probably don't even want to know, and may well be using this as a greeting only. I read something similar to that on some other thread. Anyway I will keep practicing.

Yeah I think it does make you feel better when you acknowledge some one else.

I know this is off the topic, but I am interested as to what work you did. I would have shaken as well, knowing that I was about to speak to a room of men, especially with that topic. But like you said it did get easier. So that is great.

Well a warm hug to you Mary, and I hope you are coping OK today.

Shelley xxx

[White_Rose]

Thanks Shelley

I feel better today after a chat with my GP.

Yes I agree. Finding the courage to say hello can be a mammoth task. I remember when I first had depression, getting to work, putting my shoulders back, taking a deep breath, and pasting a smile on my face before I keyed the code into the office keypad. I did it because I was damned if I was going to let anyone see how bad I felt. I have been told I am stubborn but sometimes it is a useful trait.

I am interested in people, probably could be called nosey at times, and in what makes them tick. So talking to others gives me a bit of an insight on how someone is traveling. Like you I do care about people and the easiest way to show it is by chatting. Initially I concentrated on the other person and tried to forget myself and it got easier.

I worked with people with intellectual disabilities for years before moving into staff training. Then I changed jobs and went into human resource management where I wrote policy, wrote and delivered training, set up anti-discrimination processes in the office (when the legislation was first enacted), became workplace health and safety officer, managed rehabilitation, worked on a number of state wide projects. Not all at once I hasten to add. In fact I did anything that was the province of HR except wages. Wouldn't know one end of a payroll from another.

Because my various roles I had to be able to talk to folk. It is easier when you have a specific topic to talk about, which you would know from chatting on the various forums. Starting from scratch is far more difficult. Without wanting to sound like a goody goody I have found that focusing on the other is the most effect way to communicate.

This is where depression is such a killer. We need to talk to each other in general and even more when we are locked into our own prisons, and that is what depression prevents. It's a catch 22. The less we talk the more power it gives the Black Dog and results in us talking less. But like anything we do to break the depression cycle it's jolly hard work and requires constant practice. So here we are on BB talking, laughing, encouraging and helping each other over the hard bits. Sounds good to me.

So Shelley, how are you today?

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Hey Tryingtostaypositive, that is good what you are doing with the small talk. As Mary explained, this act of even a few words, can sort of lift the spirit of the other person.

Yeah it is pretty good posting on Beyond Blue, it is a safe place, and people are pretty kind.

Thankyou for your reply, I really appreciate it and you. And your username..... well it is a good one, that you chose 

With many hugs

Shelley xxx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mary

I am glad you feel better, you sound like a very determined person to me, and one with a bit of fight. Maybe that is the stubbornness or something.

I am guessing because you worked with people living with a intellectual disability, it would help to know what makes them tick. I used to know of someone that had an intellectual disability, and she was a little hard to understand. I think she had trouble understanding things about money, like the concept of buying something and how it all worked. But she adored babies and animals. Your work life was quite varied. Did you find it really interesting then?

You are right it is easier when you know the topic. Like you have a starting point. I think I am getting better at communicating, at least in written form, but verbal well..... I have to push myself, past all the awkwardness in a lot of situations. Like if a relative asks me to visit, then I will choose to go, even though I struggle with fear. But mind you I don't always choose this. I would have to say, if I do verbally speak, topics about feelings, and things of the heart, I find easier to relate to. If I am faced with a lot of facts sometimes it is hard to process it or something. Like maybe it uses a different side of the brain. And small talk, well that falls into this "hard to process thing".

You asked me how am I today, well now I have to think about that and how to actually answer you. I think I am doing OK today. But I am extremely thirsty, so I am going to reach over and grap this glass bottle of water, that is on the bedside table.Yes.... I am still in bed, but probably should get up. Sometimes it is hard to get up and face things. And I am feeling a little anxious about needing to get things done to be ready for Christmas. But yes Mary I have been coping OK, there has been a few times when things have felt overwhelming, and then I would cry and cry.

Well thankyou for listening to me Mary, and I do hope you are OK today. With many many hugs to you.

Shelley xx

[MisterM]

This is what gets me down a lot, that I cannot make small talk as effortlessly as others.
I have no damn idea what to say to break silence.
This is why I don't go on dates, I don't know which topics to bring up.
And it made my life hell when I was working in an office, made me feel so anxious bumping into colleagues in the lift, kitchen, corridor, outside on the street, in the car park.
I wish there was a cure.