No good at small talk

[Guest_1055]

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

[MisterM]

Thank you Shelley.
Hugs.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mary

I can say I have trouble talking to people because it is actually the truth. Expressing myself via the written word is far more easier. I think I can communicate better that way, especially topics that have something to do with emotions and matters of the heart. If it is highly factual, I do sometimes have trouble understanding the meaning of what is written. Unless it is a topic that I am interested in.

When I read someone's post here on BB, I generally feel there emotions behind what they are saying, like there emotions come out in the words. I am not sure why I feel this, but that is what mostly happens. And sometimes I cannot give any advice at all. I am not sure where this is all leading, and I am confusing myself, so I will just leave it at that...... this bit.

You asked me about the difficulties that I have. Well I will try to explain some. Lately I have been thinking about the purpose  of my life, even today I was staring out at the waves in the ocean, just thinking so very deeply about the reason that I am here. Because every single person was born, and ever single person will die. It just seems a bit meaningless to me. So I guess that is one difficulty that I am living through, questioning my own existence......

Another difficulty is fear, fear of what people think of me, fear of not knowing what to verbally say, fear of feeling awkward in a social environment. I even have a mild fear of speaking and answering a telephone or mobile. I have lived with fear for a long time. But very slowly over the last couple of years, I have pushed myself to actually walk through some of this fear.

Well I don't want to say too much more, because another fear, if you can call it a fear......is of being too exposed. I don't really like that feeling much. 

OK bye Mary

Hugs

[White_Rose]

Dear Shelley

Congratulations on being able to say this much. I know it's not easy to describe your own difficulties to others because of a fear of what the other person will say or think. I have noticed in your various posts how you support and encourage others. Quite often this is all the other wants, to be heard and validated. Sadly we cannot 'fix' the others but we can help them along the road.

I know you have writing here for a while but I cannot remember how you came to write on BB. Mostly folk come here for a specific reason. I came here on the advice of my psychologist. He wanted me to explore the site, get information, read the stories of others and generally find out what BB had to offer. I had been through a traumatic bullying process which left me depressed, angry, afraid and feeling completely worthless.

I wrote a few posts of my own and started answering others. I have said many times that when I respond to the various posts I am really writing to myself, giving comments and suggestions to both me and the person I am writing to. So many of the situations here describe sets of reactions or symptoms that are common to us all. We all hurt, we are all confused, lost and broken. I suppose where we are different is in the way we cope. And this is often dependent on the severity of our various illnesses.

The meaning of life stuff is always difficult. I suppose the short answer is that life just is. Our various religious beliefs give us reasons and those without religious beliefs have different reasons. What I think both sets of people have in common is that we are here to love and care for each other. I know that's side stepping your question but life developed because we helped each other, usually unknowingly. Each layer of life, each different creation/evolution moved us towards where we are now and will continue to move us on.

I wonder if that is why we frown on suicide because each person's early death can slow down the human desire to grow and improve. After all, if everyone stayed alive as long as possible, what may any individual achieve?

I think I am getting a bit deep and meaningful here. What I wanted to explore is how I can help and support Shelley. What does she need? What can I do?

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Ah Mary.... what can you do, how can you support me, well even those words just there, that you just wrote help me. Because they tell me, that I matter to you enough, for you to actually write them. You do care about me, and I feel like I am not alone. Even the fact you have chosen to give me your attention, kindness and time speaks volumes to me, and says that I matter again to you. So I guess in reality you are already supporting me......... for which I am very grateful for by the way.

The very first time I wrote into BB, I was in a place of darkness, and it felt like I wanted to end my life. Because I felt like I didn't matter to one single person on this whole earth. It also felt like I was living in a dream and I was waiting in a place of aloneness hoping to wake up. Nothing felt real. These feelings and emotions were very deep and intense. And sometimes I felt nothing at all. I still get these feelings now, but not so intense and not for so long. And I seem to be able to manage them or something. I am not on any meds or anything. I am trying to live without them.

I did not know of the reason you came to BB either. But when I just read that you were bullied in a traumatic way, well it hurts my heart, because I hate the thought of you going through this. I'm so so sorry Mary, and I do long to erase it from your mind and heart. I am now sending you a huge hug, just in case you want or need one. If not I needed to hug you anyway.

I can very much relate to all those feelings you mentioned. The feeling of being worthless is one that I do struggle with a lot more, but even has I write this......I am now remembering the feeling that I felt when I read your words about wanting to support and help me. I did feel like I was worth something, I did feel like I matter. So Mary here is another thankyou to you, you helped me feel not so worthless.

Go figure......???

I too want to help you, but I do not know if anything that I write helps you at all. I hope you are feeling OK today.

With thankfulness to you

Shelley xxx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mary I did write a post to you about 1 hour ago, but it is not here. It did contain a little about why I came to BB in the beginning, so perhaps it didn't get through the filters or something.

xxxx Shelley

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley,

Wow, we have much in common.
I often think about why I am on this planet. Life seems pointless, like we are just waiting until we die.
I don't know my purpose, I just want to know.
And I also have fear on the phone, not as bad as I used to. And I am always thinking about what other people are thinking about me.

[Guest_1055]

Oh really Mister M...." Go figure " I have heard that expression somewhere, I think it means " Oh my Gosh". Have you heard that expression before? I think I am using it in the right context. Well anyway I like it.....

And I am no longer frightened or scared of what you think of me now. Maybe it is because we do have something in common and I feel a bit of connection to you, or something.

And why are we on this planet, like you say.

And why are we here at this given time even, and not like 100 years ago? I am hanging on to the hope that this will be revealed to me one day.

Shelley xx

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley,

I sure have heard that expression before.
I've read that we get reincarnated through the ages, that would be cool.
Our bodies are just vessels for the soul to live in. Just like a hermit crab moves from shell to shell.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M

Yes I think our physical bodies are a vessel to carry around our soul and spirit. But I am not so sure about the re incarnation thing that just doesn't sit right with me..... I didn't know hermit crabs moved from shell to shell, that is mighty cute.

Hugs to you Mister M

Shelley xx

[White_Rose]

Shelley, I finally found your post. Thank you very much for your kind words.

Yes I know what it's like to be in that dark place. And climbing out of that hole is soooooo hard. Do you have any family with you? I am trying to picture you at home. I see you are a bit like I used to be, waking up during the night and trying to keep the pain at bay by concentrating on other things, such as writing on BB. It can be quite therapeutic. This is often when I would immerse myself in my family history.

I will be going to church in a little while and this afternoon I am going to see Star Wars with my eldest daughter. Yesterday was a good day but today is not starting so well. I hope that when I get going properly the day will improve.

Reincarnation is a widely held believe. Having an 'old soul' is a common expression meaning the person has lived a number of lifetimes and has an accumulation of wisdom. It's an interesting thought. The problem is that very few people seem to have this Old Soul and there are millions of souls out there. You would think that by now we would have learned a bit more.

Why are we alive at this time and not in the past? No idea but I would rather be here now than in the past. I suppose in part it's because I am familiar with the here and now. History is interesting but does not tell us what is was like to live then. But maybe this is my lack of an adventurous spirit.

Mary