No good at small talk

Guest_1055 · ‎22-12-2015

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

Guest_1055 · ‎11-01-2016

Hey Mister M, your last post made me really think again on what one could say to start a conversation. So for me, I would always want to be truthful with no airy fairy stuff that has no meaning............... So I was wondering if we could start the conversation by simply being honest, like " I really want to have a chat with you, I really do, but I absolutely do not have any idea how to start one, do you?" And then they have the opportunity to reply and might say....." Well , now that you have brought that up, I think I don't know how to either".

And where you go from there I don't know....... I have no idea if this actually will work when verbally trying to converse. What do you think?

On going back to uni to study teaching, who would you learn to teach, like children? Ah a music teacher.Do you like children then?

So I know you live with your parents, but do you actually own a house, like is someone else renting it off you or something?

OK.. oh is your mind scattered at all, and do you find it hard at all to focus on one thing at a time. Just asking, because my mind goes like that, and it does sometimes cause me to feel lost.

Hugs

Shelley xx

BKYTH · ‎12-01-2016

What to say after you say "hello"? People astonish me with their capacity to have more to say than the time they have to say it in - Or at least it seems with most. To me they are magicians who appear to have a self hood that I can only aspire to. In a time when the decades had not reduced me to my cumbersome present I used to sit in the pub and listen to the conversations going on about me so that I might learn their craft and invest myself in its flow. Social discourse is the medium by which so much is made available and becomes possible, and yet for me, and many others such discourse seems to remain forever out of reach. 'Small talk' is in no way trivial as the term implies but rather a springboard whereby we might enter into the life of an 'other'. If we would wish to hear the authentic voice of another being then we cannot just demand its presence but are obliged to evoke it in profoundly subtle means. In that regard I am as infantile as a six yo would be. This is an interesting discussion and I am surprised that I didn't stumble into it earlier, stumbling being my preferred method of entry, into most things. Philip.

Guest_1055 · ‎12-01-2016

Hey Philip

I think I am beginning to understand what you said about small talk not being trivial, and how it a springboard whereas you might enter into the life of another.

I think this morning someone acted this way to me. But I have to say it was an unpleasant experience. Even now after they have gone, I still feel emotionally shaken, as I did not totally comprehend there motive, behind the initial small talk. But I did think he was using this springboard to move into my life.

He came knocking at my front door, was he a salesman or something? He asked me my name, commented on how humid it was, whether I knew the neighbours or not. Like why would he want to know if I knew the neighbours? He even commenting on the large fan, that he probably heard through the window.

So he was trying to move into my life, I think just like you said. After the initial small talk, he then sort of stated his intentions. And wanted to put my name and details into his iPad device. When I said ,that I was not comfortable with having my details put in there. Well he started to talk again, I could only comprehend a little, the part where he asked me if I was running from the police. Then proceeded to show me his iPad, and starting to ask me again if I was Miss, Mrs? I repeated again in a kind and polite manner, that I didn't want to give my details out. The look on his face was of disappointment. And then I started to feel sad, that he was feeling that....

I am not sure why I am venting this about the situation with the man at the door, but this sort of thing, I always hate it, and want to run when people talk to you, but the motive isn't clear. It is very confusing.......

Thank you for replying Philip, I appreciate your time in doing that.

Shelley xx

White_Rose · ‎12-01-2016

Hello Philip

Good to see you back on the forums. As an example of small talk, "Long time no see," to which you answer with some variation of being busy. Virtually no matter what you reply you are giving the listener an 'in' to respond with a comment. e.g. "Busy with my vegetables." "I've always wanted to grow vegetables. How did you get started?"

It's not about being smart (or smart-arsed) but about listening to what is said. I said, many posts ago, that we are all connected out of necessity because we are all alone, and need to acknowledge each other. Generally we understand that these comments are superficial. We make them to bridge the gap to the other person as it's difficult to leap into a deep and meaningful conversation. But it is a springboard to being with others in a comfortable way.

We all know the TV ad, "From little things big things grow." And this is the point. It's a connection point to others. Sometimes it goes nowhere, sometimes the world opens up. As I walked home from the station after work, I would go past the home of an elderly lady. One day she was out on the footpath getting rid of ants. I made a comment about it was a never ending task and she responded. That neighbour became my friend, a person who I loved and cared about. She also cared about me and helped me in the dark days of my depression. She made me laugh, I so much admired her strength in the face of adversity and she taught me many lessons. Just one comment.

We ask How are you? because it is a recognised opening. If you cannot think of a follow up comment it's likely the other person will. Small talk has been dismissed as a waste of time and energy and that makes me sad. It is the 'softly, softly' approach reaching out to each other.

Some of the BB posts start in this way and responses are gentle. The person is hurt or shy, needs some encouragement. Other posts jump in with both feet and let it all hang out. No disrespect intended to anyone. But we acknowledge each other, give answers to questions, share our experiences, offer reassurance and then discuss the meaning of life. Look at the first posts of those who now write in-depth comments. They didn't start that way.

Look at the responses to this thread. You guys say you could not do or say this or that but your posts have changed. Great stuff! So comment about how hot it's been. How great the rain is. We all know what you are really saying. "It's nice to stand next to you and share our common experience of being human."

Mary

White_Rose · ‎12-01-2016

Hello Shelley

A quick reply while I wait for my previous reply to surface. The only was to deal with door-to-door people like that is to state firmly you are not prepared to divulge anything about yourself and ask him to leave. If he protests say you will call the police then shut the door. Yes it's small talk and yes it's a way to make you feel comfortable with him, but it's not acceptable.

So many posts on this thread in the past couple of days. Unfortunately I went into hospital on Sunday night with breathing difficulties and chest pain. No major problem and I was allowed home today, Tuesday. Hope to catch up more with the posts soon.

Mary

BKYTH · ‎12-01-2016

I agree with what you say about all of us being alone an therefore connected out of necessity. We all have the need to be heard which entails the capacity also to listen - If you listen long enough you will hear much being expressed that erodes the boundaries between ourselves and the other person. The more you are able to be a witness to the events that surround you, to see the plight of the other person, the more obvious it becomes that we all are far more similar than different. Everyday you see elderly people laboring in doing the most basic of things and how can you not admire and learn something about our common human condition from their resilience. Philip.

BKYTH · ‎12-01-2016

You should never do anything that you are uncomfortable with. That person did not have your interest at heart. You were wise to not give out your details and I agree with everything that Mary has said. If you had provided him with what he wanted he would have left and have forgotten you instantly. Philip.

MisterM · ‎13-01-2016

Hi Shelley anne,

Yeah I guess being honest that you want a conversation but need the other person to assist is an idea.
It might make you seem more endearing to the other person.
I applied to study secondary teaching.
I feel I will be more comfortable around high schoolers than primary schoolers.
Yeah I "the bank more like it" own a property which I have leased out.
My mind is always scattered and I go around in circles chasing my tail, too many things to worry about.
Hugs M

Guest_1055 · ‎14-01-2016

I genuinely hope you are feeling better Mary today.

Yes I did tell him, I was not comfortable with giving him my details. But the struggles I have and am working on to overcome, is the fact of verbally having to talk to someone else. I don't find it easy to even answer the front door, for fear of not knowing what to say to the knocker. Sometimes I don't even answer the front door. This man walked away with such disappointment showing on his face, which was hard for me to see, as I know what disappointment feels like. And I hated knowing he was feeling it.

OK hug to you Mary

Shell xx

Guest_1055 · ‎14-01-2016

Hey Philip

Thankyou so much for giving me your time again, I do appreciate it. And thanks for your words, I do feel reassured.

Hugs

Shelley xx