My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

[LesDave]

You might be interested in hearing how I get through the next few weeks. So I'm journaling it.

Some background. I was really struggling with stressful job after job. I quit in October last year because it was all coming in on me. I spent the first 3 months trying to heal. Then the anxiety returned as I realised I needed money and a job. Late February and March were awful. I was driven to tears many times. I started to really get better at self awareness and acceptance and commitment therapy. Out of the blue in late March, I got an offer from a job I was turned down for. So I took it. Well, it was out of the pot into the frying pan. It was so stressful and I made mistake after mistake. It took all my strength not to fall in to a heap. I ended up taking a day off to cope with the stress. Eventually it eased as the project I was on went into a lag period prior to turning on. Well it went live this week and it's a mess. I am really struggling again. I have taken today off. After yesterday (I realise it isn't showing great courage) I felt guilty, and felt really stressed. Trying to stay in the present moment at the moment is difficult. I had no sleep last night worrying about the damage I caused through my mistakes.

Today I plan to try and walk for 3 hours to get rid of the stress hormones. I will try to get into the present moment. I plan to focus on eating better, getting into the present moment, and exercise. If I can get through the next 2 weeks without breaking down it will be a serious victory. I will keep you informed.

[Billyc]

Hi Les,

Are you seing a GP?

Its great your out there having a go, I can appreciate how crippling anxiety gets. I recently gave up my position, They lined me up for a greater role and a promotion, so apparently I was doing good things.. but I couldn’t get past what was going on in my head..

so I have it up, it’s madness to think I could be on a very good good salary with my skills and experience, but I’d rather accept charity assurance from st Vincent’s we Paul than put myself through the torment again..

[LesDave]

I was medicated for 25 years. I tried many different meds. in the end I realised it was a bandaid that had numbed most of my life. I had been numb and life had just gone completely past and getting into retiring years I had no savings and no plans. So I spent the past 2 years getting off meds and trying to do it naturally. I am going to really try to be clean for 2019. It's a struggle, but if it doesn't work out I will just try meds again.

[LesDave]

So yesterday I took the day off. I walked 14km and felt much better. Then I got home and the anxiety started again. The voices. so I got out and made calls to people at work. Nobody answered. Finally someone did and they said there were issues and we were being blamed. For a while I was stricken with grief. But then I got angry and started to plan my response. I seemed to settle after that and got sleep. At 3.30am I was woken with the voices about today. I went and did an 8km walk. I am home now, about to get ready to face the music. I am not sure how things will go today, but my anxiety is really bad. I am trying my best to settle it.

[Billyc]

Hi Les,

what do you mean by voices? Are you referring to your thoughts? Which I understand can be quite loud at times.. or are you hearing voices?

[geoff]

Hi LesDave, I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sure other people could relate to what you told us, It's not easy especially when stress wears you down and can cause changes in your body that affect your overall physical, mental, and emotional health and this seems to be happening unfortunately.

These voices you are hearing takes you into another dimension and would also very much like to know about them.

You have stopped the meds so can I ask whether you are getting any counselling, sorry but I should be asking you this.

Take care.

Geoff,

[LesDave]

yes they are thoughts. Not voices. And yes, they get pretty loud

[LesDave]

The voices are my thoughts. I have arguments with people in the past, and worrying thoughts about the future. Yesterday ended up being quite a great day. I felt so relieved it was over. I remember walking home and noticing I was having long sighs. I noticed they were relief type characteristics. I think a lot of what I am worrying about is the job. Trouble is, I need a job and I am unlikely to find anything else.

[Billyc]

Hi Les

keep your journal going, I, along with many others come here a lot to read posts like yours because it is very helpful, so thankyou

I’m in a similar spot to you, 3 months ago I walked away from a career “high” position at a well established firm. I walked away because my thoughts got the better of me, I would show up with a world of anxiety, I just couldn’t separate that world from the world that really was..,

shortly after I left, some directors came forward and expressed their disappointment that I couldn’t stay as they liked having me around and that’s they liked the work I did.

just yesterday I’ve been invited back for a coffee as they want me to come back. “Normally” this would be a promotion in anyone’s book, but for me it feels like a crippling situation that I could easily avoid if I just stay here where I am in this dark room all by myself and my thoughts..

we all know that to take this opportunity is the best way forward.,.

but it’s not the safe route.. I’m with you les..I get where your at..

[LesDave]

I've been trying for 20 years to get back into a more stable and less stressful job. The trouble with the work I do is that it labels you. It's project work, and very demanding. I have never even managed to get to interview stage at a normal job from over 500 applications. I am stuck with it unless a miracle comes along one day.