My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

[LesDave]

You might be interested in hearing how I get through the next few weeks. So I'm journaling it.

Some background. I was really struggling with stressful job after job. I quit in October last year because it was all coming in on me. I spent the first 3 months trying to heal. Then the anxiety returned as I realised I needed money and a job. Late February and March were awful. I was driven to tears many times. I started to really get better at self awareness and acceptance and commitment therapy. Out of the blue in late March, I got an offer from a job I was turned down for. So I took it. Well, it was out of the pot into the frying pan. It was so stressful and I made mistake after mistake. It took all my strength not to fall in to a heap. I ended up taking a day off to cope with the stress. Eventually it eased as the project I was on went into a lag period prior to turning on. Well it went live this week and it's a mess. I am really struggling again. I have taken today off. After yesterday (I realise it isn't showing great courage) I felt guilty, and felt really stressed. Trying to stay in the present moment at the moment is difficult. I had no sleep last night worrying about the damage I caused through my mistakes.

Today I plan to try and walk for 3 hours to get rid of the stress hormones. I will try to get into the present moment. I plan to focus on eating better, getting into the present moment, and exercise. If I can get through the next 2 weeks without breaking down it will be a serious victory. I will keep you informed.

[Billyc]

What do you do les?

[LesDave]

I would prefer to keep details off a public forum that can identify me.

[LesDave]

Now the weekend is drawing to a close I can feel the anxiety lifting again. I walked 15km this morning and felt really good. I know it's situational. The problem is there has always been 'another' situation. That's why learning to deal with this outside of drugs is so important now. I realise all I've been doing my whole life is running from one stressful situation to the next. I need to learn what is real and what is imagined. This week is going to be tough. I move at work at the end of this week. The job I am going to will be a lot less stressful. But I keep imaging I will be sacked before the week is over. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts as I navigate this week. It is going to be tough.

[LesDave]

Monday start and finish were different. Hardly slept at all Sunday night worrying about work. Forced myself on the bus and felt uncomfortable all day. Every time the phone rang or people started talking I worried it was a mistake I made. Late in the afternoon I was asked to fix something. I was pretty crippled with anxiety and the computer was making it hard stalling. I did not control my anxiety very well and need to do better. By late afternoon is was all over and there were no real problems.

[LesDave]

Made it through the toughest 8 weeks for 15 years. Closed off a project and I am moving forward to a new one. I learned so much about myself and anxiety. I hope this might work for me and others.

All this worry does nothing positive. Worrying about things does not serve as a self defence mechanism to help you plan how to deal with negative things that might eventuate. I learned to sit down and write about all the things I was worrying about and create worst and best case scenarios. I did my worrying on paper. Once I had thought about it and written it down, the anxiety eased.

[Billyc]

A very positive note les.

I like to physically pat myself on the back on occasion when I’ve handled things well, I invite you to do the same..

well done Les

[LesDave]

Today was largely free of anxiety. First day on new project. I deleted the old project account so I would not be beat up by reminders of bad things. The phone rang a few times and I was worried it was a call back to the past. But largely I got through the day free on anxiety. For me it proves it was situational in a way

[Billyc]

Les

pat yourself on the back.. tomorrow is going to be a whole lot worse for you..

today, pat yourself on the back, it may not come again for a while...

tell me you pat yourself on the back..

[jollydolly]

What a legend you are. I just read your story and am feeling so happy for you! You fought really hard and should be proud of yourself for keeping on going. I know how hard it is. Good luck for the future.

[LesDave]

One thing I've noticed about myself and anxiety is that while I am under pressure I realise the need to exercise and eat well. As the pressure eases, I become lazy and start eating badly. As if I feel like I need to take a rest period. Right now I am struggling to motivate myself to get up after such a long period of sustained stress. I am eating really badly and can't seem to push myself to go for a walk. This is my goal for this week to eat better and start exercising again. I feel the weight piling on.