Looking For Tips To Help Overcome Social Anxiety & Shame

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out as something that has been coming up for me a lot lately has been social anxiety, mostly stemming from my deep issues with shame. I am aware my unhelpful thinking style makes me jump to conclusions and assume people think I'm stupid, pathetic, weak & useless. And I know it isn't true, but in the moments that I talk to people, I find I lack the confidence to think differently.

I don't have a diagnosis of ASD or ADHD, and I actually have a good amount of friends which one might not think of someone with social anxiety. But I can only be myself around 'my people' or only certain kinds of people. I'm an introvert that can sometimes pass as an extrovert but I'm always extremely drained after social events/work.

Here are some examples for context:

-At work, I struggle to have conversation & make eye contact with my boss. I am afraid they will discover I am not cut out for the job. I'm also hyper aware that they are an 'extremely business-minded' person, and I sometimes feel my interactions with them are not genuine...People that are in authoritative positions, especially older men, I find extremely difficult to talk to. I sense that they write me off as 'a silly' girl.

-I attend a writing group once a month. During the group, I am so uncomfortable in sharing my opinion about someone's work (because it involves speaking in front of people I don't really know) that I can't concentrate on the writing they are reading aloud. Everyone is able to give solid feedback, but I struggle to remember what they even said as I was panicking about speaking!

-Lastly, when people ask how I'm doing, how my writing is going yatta yatta, I start rambling. Because I don't feel like I've accomplished much with my life I always feel embarrassed talking about the fact I work part time and I struggle to write because I'm feeling depressed...but I can't say these things! I'm probably rambling right now!

Sorry for the long post...I'm after advice, materials and strategies to combat these issues. Does anyone else ever get moments when you disassociate in a conversation, or think about trying to make eye contact when someone is speaking that you really struggle to stay in the moment? 

[dennagrace]

Thank you for sharing this, I can definitely resonate with a lot of what you shared.
One thing that has helped me navigate dissassociating, particularly in a conversation, is taking a moment to anchor/ground myself.
I'm not sure if you have read up much about somatic techniques/strategies, but they are incredible in helping to regulate the nervous system.
What happens with social anxiety, which I live with too, is that our nervous system goes into overdrive and we disassociate in an attempt to feel safe. So what we need to try to practice is helping reassure ourselves that we are safe, which does take time and practice.

I would invite you to think about what makes you feel safe?
Would the anchoring I mentioned earlier help you to physically feel safe?
And also, what could help you feel mentally/psychologically safe?

I'm happy to discuss this further too and I look forward to hearing back from you - you are doing amazing!!

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi Dennagrace,

It's so nice to know other people feel the same as I do! Although I'm sorry you also go through similar struggles. Thank you for responding. 🙏

I think I'll need to look into the anchoring techniques you speak of, they may be of great use to me. 

Knowing what would make me safe? I have no clue! Maybe just trying not to think of other people as being so different to me, and trying to avoid feeling intimidated. I find it challenging to think this way though when I am engaged in conversation. I'm always so afraid of being judged by other people.

If I could find a way to bring other people down a peg, in my mind, so that they are seen as being human like me rather than being different labels & titles would help.

Can you recommend a particular grounding technique that you find works for you? 

And thank you for your kind words 🤗

[therising]

Hi Wiltingdaisy

I can really relate to a lot of what you say. It's tough, hey, when small talk's not our thing, when we can feel people's judgment and when inner dialogue tends to dominate certain conversations to the point where it kinda becomes louder than the person talking to us outside of our head. Like you, I definitely prefer vibing with my tribe who really gets me, isn't judging who I naturally am and is more than happy to talk about anything from pure nonsense right through to elements of philosophy. No small talk there.

With public speaking, it can definitely feel like a form of torture. Even as a young kid, I've always dreaded the 'going around the room' kind of scenarios. If I was the first person or second person to speak, not so bad. There'd be hardly any time for my nervous system and inner dialogue to get worked up. But, oh no, please not alphabetical order. Not much worse than alphabetical order when your sir name starts with L (unless your name comes after L). A good 15 minutes or so of the kind of inner dialogue that sounds like 'Your work's not going to be as good as everyone's before you. You're going to sound like an idiot. Everyone's going to hear the tremor in your voice and see you physically shaking' and on and on it would go, to the point where I'd feel like I was going to pass out. With every person who came before me, the volume of the stress running through my nervous system would dial up a notch. 'Who wants to go first?' would be a welcomed invitation, with the sage in me (I think it was) insisting 'Put your hand up. Rip the bandaid off. Put yourself out of your misery'.

I think 2 things that have made a big difference to me over the last few years have involved the comedian in me coming to life and other elements of me that encourage me to be honest to some degree. It's amazing how when you can crack jokes about your own social anxiety how many other people become relaxed enough to admit their own struggles. Letting others lead the conversation becomes another helpful element. This is so much easier with people who love leading conversations. There are far less awkward pauses because they're so good at it. While in no way whatsoever do I advocate smoking, as a gal who smokes (aka 'a social leper'), it gives me an excuse to walk out of a function that really tests me, for a break. To have breaks from challenging social events can be important, 5 minutes here and there or however long it takes. I've found that with serious folk, such as business minded people, they tend not to take me too seriously to begin with and it doesn't bother me anymore, not like it used to. As a 53yo gal with bright pink and blue hair, my hair kind of announces me before I even open my mouth. I not only accept my weirdness, I have learned to love it, even if others disapprove of it. It's not my fault they're not fond of strange people.😁

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi therising,

Ha ha ha you really do have an inner comedian. I found myself laughing out loud reading about the 'going around the room' scenario. I'm lucky I'm alphabetically blessed 😅 but I can soooo relate in the absolute dread of waiting your turn. Perhaps I will try to find the humour in those situations. I think if someone else in the room admitted how frigging stupid those ice breaker exercises are, it would make me feel better.

I also loved your honesty about the whole smoking situation 🤣 damn, I wish there was some form of socially acceptable way to take an 'anxiety break' just like a smoko.

Did you find being able to accept yourself has come with age? 

I really love people who are not afraid to be themselves. I have always wanted that courage. It has improved somewhat, but it needs some more cultivating. 

[therising]

Hi Wiltingdaisy

A lot has definitely come with age, regarding the time it's taken to gather insights, revelations, tools and more. It wasn't 'til I hit 35 that I went hardcore, in the way of searching for greater self understanding. What set it all off was a single moment, a single revelation in a post natal depression group therapy session. That moment suddenly took me out of a long term depression of 15 years of so. That was just over 19 years ago. Within that PND session, I recall all 6 of us ladies being asked to offer the traits we struggle with, when it comes to depression. As the whiteboard list got longer and longer, I can remember thinking how I could relate to every one of those traits. I thought 'This can't be a coincidence'. Then suddenly it hit 'These are not my traits, they belong to depression. If they're not my traits, then who am I? Who am I without them?'. The next revelation was 'I have absolutely no idea who I am'. I've been figuring it out ever since.

I like to imagine we begin life with a set of keys and it's up to those around us to show us how the keys work. One key may relate to a sense of wonder, another to a sense of adventure, another to imagination, another to sensitivity and so on. While we may have started off as open minded wonderful or wonder filled little people, with a longing for adventure and exploration, on top of having a brilliant and vivid imagination, our sensitivity or ability to sense our need and love for such things was a part of what kept them alive. In some ways we're taught to stop wondering about and questioning so much, stop insisting on adventure when there's work to be done, stop daydreaming so much and we're taught to 'toughen up' and stop being so sensitive. The keys are still there, we've just been conditioned to stop using them. Some people forget they even have them.

I suppose you could say who we naturally are is 'the holder and collector of keys to life'. Who we naturally are is wonderful, adventurous, brilliant, imaginative and sensitive, among so many other things. The challenge becomes about finding guides to show us how to use our keys, those things we're born with. Such things unlock so much.🙂

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi therising,

My gosh. Everything you are saying right now is completely aligning with some spiritual work I've been focused on. Some readings, meditations and podcasts I've been doing have all been saying very similar things.

Your words are of great wisdom and comfort. I'm sitting here with a cat on one side and a cup of tea on the other, feeling very lucky to be receiving such kindness.

Are you a writer? You don't have to answer that for the sake of anonymity, it's just that you are giving me writery vibes. And if not, you should be. I feel like I could easily read a great big clump of your words!

[Adam]

Hi Wiltingdaisy,

I’m a 48yo man, and I don’t think that makes me an authority of any kind. I have been crippled with undiagnosed social anxiety since my early teens. Not being able to hold eye contact is still my most common and used defence, also one of the things I hate most about my anxiety. Although I’ve known for years what the condition is called, it’s only very recently I’ve started to accept it as an illness and fully recognise all my symptoms and the problems they have given me. If I had the courage to talk about my illness years ago my life may have been less lonely. My advice is keep talking to people. Thank you for sharing your story, you gave me the courage to make my first post here.

[Annas1]

Hi Wiltingdaisy, Adam & therising,

what an important discussion you're having! I too know the anguish and exhaustion that result from anxiety about others' perception or evaluation of me/my behaviour/performance. It's a particularly sticky place to be when we are probably also very tuned in to others' feelings and needs. I also value quality relationships so am motivated to engage and connect while parrying with fears of negative judgement/rejection. 

Recent resources that have been very helpful include:

• The Courage to Be Disliked (book) - a useful, if narrow, approach to getting on with one's own life rather than fulfilling others' agendas; and
• Hilary Jacobs Hendel's The Change Triangle - a model of human emotion, inhibitory emotion and defences.

Hilary JH also has some videos explaining her model, one of which focuses on a method to address social anxiety in an interpersonal setting. In short, she recommends flipping your usual mode of awareness which prioritises the other person's perceptions/thoughts/judgements and instead intentionally projecting your own attitude/needs/thoughts outwards as you engage with them. I find this idea really interesting, particularly as it highlights how passive/receptive/disempowered the socially anxious person often is.

My last thought for now is that I would like to honour Adam's courage and humility in joining the conversation. I have often reflected that my own struggle with social anxiety would be another order greater if I were male. Our culture doesn't give much space for emotions or vulnerability in men, even if this is now widely acknowledged. I know this was a major factor in my own father's inability to relate well to others and himself. My deep wish is to change this tragic set of gender norms and to play my part in giving men and women, girls and boys, the priviledge of being their full selves.

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi Adam,

I am sorry you are also affected by social anxiety too. It really is quite a draining thing to live with.  Thank you for sharing and I hope you find these forums to be of use to you too. It is never too late to connect with people, as all we want in life are witnesses to this wild ride. When I notice people not making eye contact with me, I actually feel some relief as I know they might be feeling the same way. Meals where you have to sit directly across from someone are my worst nightmare 😂 conversations on a park bench with a view to look at are much better. Wishing you all the best, and thank you for the advice, I will keep trying and reaching out! 

Hi Annas1, 

Thank you so much for the suggestions, I will definitely look into them! I'm glad to hear from others who feel the same & know what has helped them. And what you said about the male perspective is definitely valid too!