Looking For Tips To Help Overcome Social Anxiety & Shame

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out as something that has been coming up for me a lot lately has been social anxiety, mostly stemming from my deep issues with shame. I am aware my unhelpful thinking style makes me jump to conclusions and assume people think I'm stupid, pathetic, weak & useless. And I know it isn't true, but in the moments that I talk to people, I find I lack the confidence to think differently.

I don't have a diagnosis of ASD or ADHD, and I actually have a good amount of friends which one might not think of someone with social anxiety. But I can only be myself around 'my people' or only certain kinds of people. I'm an introvert that can sometimes pass as an extrovert but I'm always extremely drained after social events/work.

Here are some examples for context:

-At work, I struggle to have conversation & make eye contact with my boss. I am afraid they will discover I am not cut out for the job. I'm also hyper aware that they are an 'extremely business-minded' person, and I sometimes feel my interactions with them are not genuine...People that are in authoritative positions, especially older men, I find extremely difficult to talk to. I sense that they write me off as 'a silly' girl.

-I attend a writing group once a month. During the group, I am so uncomfortable in sharing my opinion about someone's work (because it involves speaking in front of people I don't really know) that I can't concentrate on the writing they are reading aloud. Everyone is able to give solid feedback, but I struggle to remember what they even said as I was panicking about speaking!

-Lastly, when people ask how I'm doing, how my writing is going yatta yatta, I start rambling. Because I don't feel like I've accomplished much with my life I always feel embarrassed talking about the fact I work part time and I struggle to write because I'm feeling depressed...but I can't say these things! I'm probably rambling right now!

Sorry for the long post...I'm after advice, materials and strategies to combat these issues. Does anyone else ever get moments when you disassociate in a conversation, or think about trying to make eye contact when someone is speaking that you really struggle to stay in the moment? 

[therising]

Hi Wiltingdaisy

You're very intuitive. I love writing and always have, even as a little kid. I find there to be so much power in words at times, probably because we can feel through them. When it comes as a revelation, that we can feel through words, I think it can also offer some relief in a way. Kinda like 'Oh, there's nothing wrong with me, I simply have the ability to feel through words'. So, it starts to make more sense when people utter depressing or anxiety inducting stuff, why we feel impacted by such things. Then it becomes a matter of 'Hmm🤔, how do I emotionally detach from this person's words, so that I don't feel them so much?'.

Returning to the topic of the challenges that can come with eye contact, it's an interesting topic. I think that saying 'It's okay. I don't have to or need to make eye contact all that much' can come as a relief. It can be about giving our self permission. Personally, I've found there can actually be benefits to a lack of eye contact. If we're a highly imaginative person and someone's telling us a story that involves a lot of imagery, how are we meant to imagine or see what they're saying while we're also focusing on their eyes? I don't believe it can be done. In this case, something to consider is how we can practice being a seer (being able to clearly see through our mind's eye) what someone's telling us. In other words, forget about a whole lot of eye contact and focus on your ability to see what someone's saying. An example that comes to mind could involve someone saying to us 'I was in a busy shopping centre the other day when I had a fall. I was so upset. I started to cry. I kept my head down as I picked up all my groceries and just went on my way, quite shaken'. So, what can you see? No one stopping to help. Confirmation of what you see could sound like 'So, no one stopped to help?'. What else can you see in that situation? Maybe people who couldn't have cared less and you might see people who hesitated, wanting to help but simply hoping everything would be okay instead.

Seers are interesting people. Typically they have a history of daydreaming. So, they've been in the practice of seeing things play out in their mind, for years. Combining the ability to see or imagine with the ability to hear what someone's saying to you, at the same time, and it all becomes rather fascinating. Looking people in the eye can actually end up being an unwanted distraction from seeing clearly. In the world of spirituality, there is a term for 'clear vision', just as there is a term for 'clear sensing' or 'clear feeling'.