Hey all,
To say I feel like i've stuffed up my life is an understatement.
I suffer from EXTREME anxiety (home bound), and after some debt that ranked up in the last few years from an over excited ADHD brain (diagnosed a few months ago) i've been left feeling very empty. I had something like 22 cars in the space of 10 years and hyper fixate on a variety of interests which sway my thoughts /decisions considerably out of the cognitive and more reactive sense.
My anxiety has also started effecting me inside the house, even going to the toilet I wear gloves to go number 2's and use hand soap in baby wipes. I then wipe the back and front of my legs and feet with antiseptic wipes and even change my clothes (including socks and undies). I believe I still have great hygiene.
My partner of 13 years has struggled with intimecy and this has been wearing me down, eventually I started believing it was me even though she said it isn't. Physically its non existant and I feel more like a room mate. She is my carer in a sense that she helps with my anxiety and calms me down, but this intimecy reduction started 2 years in. I love her so much and there is so much quality of living being with her that I absolutely adore her company but that makes the lack of intimacy even harder. Instigating any intimacy has become a feeling of running in a store full of glassware and the "rejection" hits so hard everytime. Its worn down my self esteem so much over the years and I feel like i'm always the "wrong place" in everyones world.
I'm struggling to find my place in this world, unable to have people over due to contamination ocd (anyone that comes in needs to have a shower and new washed clothes) and I feel my only worth is providing money by working to pay the mortgage. I can't remember the last time I felt pyhsically attractive or alluring to my partners eyes.
As part of this above i've felt more and more uncomfortable about my own body, and even if something was to be initiated I don't think I could manage feeling like i'm always dirty even though I always wash (I wasn't always like this). I was just wondering if anyone had any advice? In speaking with my pyhscologist she recommended to go to relationship councelling but I feel my partner would be embarassed.
