Intrusive thoughts

[Toby_Lace]

Hi all, this my first post. Hoping to gain some relief from persistent intrusive thoughts that have taken hold and taken control of my life. I am having troubles dislodging them. I feel if I confess the thoughts I might gain some relief but I also feel I cant tell anyone because I fear their judgement and the consequences of my confession. I feel hopeless and have little joy in my life. I have started to catastrophise about my life and career and my future. I am at a loss as what to do. I want to feel ' normal', happy and optimistic again.

[Anne1303]

Hi Toby

Oh you could be living in my head at the moment - my catostophising has taken over my life, events that happened like you, years ago, I imagine worst case possible scenarios coming back to affect me now, as well as things in my current life and work. My mind does not stop making up possible scenarios and things that could happen, and I totally freak out thinking what will happen to my family if any of these catostrophic things were ever to occur. I am finding myself withdrawing from everything, and not wanting to do anything because of possible consequences that may happen. I am exhausted too and I know I’m not here as I should be at the moment for my three beautiful children, and then I get even more anxious thinking they are missing out on important attention from me. I too don’t eat some days, my stomach is churning so much that the thought of eating is impossible. I was sitting here very early this morning because I couldn’t sleep, and read your post - it is a small comfort to know we are not alone in suffering like this and just having someone to talk to who understands is a help!

[Toby_Lace]

Glad to know i'm not alone because it can feel like you are. I find that I am looking at others thinking 'you lucky sod. You havent made the mistakes I have. Look at your fantastic life'. I cannot know what their life is like but it doesnt stop me thinking it!

This forum has been great. Getting the feelings I have out of my head and reading the thoughts and advice of others. It is a great reassurance, and a bit of light in the darkness.

[Anne1303]

Absolutely, when we are all consumed by our own catostrophic thoughts it is easy to feel so alone and like no one understands - I find it very reassuring for myself to read posts like yours and be able to chat to someone who is going through exactly the same thoughts and feelings and to just know that it is not only me who has these awful thoughts consume their whole life. Thanks for sharing, I hope we can chat regularly and provide some support to each other .

[Toby_Lace]

Hi Anne1303,

It would be great to chat regularly, especially with someone who understands. I have a job interview tomorrow and I am a bit worried about how I will cope. I had a bit of a bad day today, sick with worry and more catastrophising about my future. I am also concerned about holding down a job if and when I get one. Maybe working and being busy might be a good distraction. I hope you had a good day!

[Anne1303]

Good luck with the job interview, I can totally understand why you would have had a bad day today worrying about it....I worry about our future all the time, I have a good job that works well for our family around our three young children but I stress about it daily and constantly dwell on things that happen at work as well and I wonder if one day I will crack at work....

So we are pretty stuck, down and worried about our future if we don’t have a job and down and worried about our work if we do...... I have read lots of peoples stories about work providing a great distraction for them so fingers crossed this works for you !

Good luck for tomorrow, this might be the break you are looking for!!

[Toby_Lace]

Thanks, Anne1303. The interview went well. I walked away feeling confident. I feel confident that I will make the second round of interviews. Yet I cant help thinking 'what will happen if they know the truth about me' or if the find out about me? I always think about worse case scenarios. I cant rejoice in my successes. I also keep thinking about all the bad choices I have made in my life. I am going on holidays next week. I Just hope I cannot relax and have fun. How was your week?

[Anne1303]

Hi Toby

well done on the interview, that’s great you feel confident it went well. We all have mistakes from our past but unfortunately it is people like us who dwell on them and constantly go back and analyse them constantly and how we perceive they are going to come back to affect us.... I’m sorry I can’t offer you any advise but I can assure you that you are not alone in feeling like this, I wish there was an easy fix for us!

Today has been abit better for me, for some reason my anxiety has been awful this week, I ended up crying on the phone to my mum last night and then felt even worse for making her worry about me..... then I feel like I have to keep my anxiety to myself so I don’t worry any of my beautiful family..... I just get so tired from having these awful scenarios running through my head and not being able to share.... it’s a tough gig Toby 😞

[Toby_Lace]

I am sorry to hear you had a bad week. It is good you have someone to cry to. Mums can be good shoulders to cry on.

I have started journaling. Just puting a few words on paper. I havent got to the stage yet of telling someone what I am anxious and worried about. I have tried but failed on several occasions. I just fear peoples judgement. I think I need to get it out of my head and writing is one way of confessing.

Hope you have a good weekend

[Anne1303]

Hi Toby

Actually journaling is a good idea, it is definitely worth a go! Maybe thats something I should try..... I downloaded a few apps with meditation etc, calm & smiling minds, but I find it hard to get time to sit down and meditate without being interrupted..... I try to hide my anxiety and worry from our three children as much as I can so they don’t worry about me - one of my biggest fears is that they will end up suffering from it as well and as a mother that would break my heart.

I hope your weekend went ok, I’m off to work in a little while for a few hours then home again. Hope your day goes ok for you 🙂

[Toby_Lace]

Hi Anne,

It is hard to keep it all together and not let on that you are struggling. My partner is from the 'get on with it' generation who believe that mental illness is a fabrication or a form of attention seeking. My daughter also has a mental illness - I havent let her or the rest of my family know about mine. Keeping up the charade of normalcy can be exhausting.

I hope you have a good week as well!