Work anxiety

[Cadman8]

Hi,

I am a people pleaser, I have always worried about my image around others and I would go out of my way to not annoy people or make myself look bad. I have lived like this for years through high school and University and have had issues with anxiety because of it.

For example I was doing an extra corricular activity at uni and I went on holiday for 2 weeks. As I was on holiday other students were still working on this activity. When I got back I felt I had missed out on so much and that people were thinking negatively of me for going away. I was so anxious about looking like a fool by asking for help that I would often find myself hiding(faking being sick, going to the toilet for long periods at a time). This would then spiral out of control, I would not be able to properly express myself so I would hide which would put me further behind causing more anxiety, it was horrible. I ended up leaving the project at the end of the year and although I felt relief I was really still just running away from a deeper issue.

Cue now and I'm in the real world with a real job (engineering) and I feel the same is happening. I am having such a hard time expressing myself properly to my boss. I have been there for nearly a year and I fear that I will not have my contract extended.

Sometimes I feel my work is subpar instead of trying to get help I start hiding again, which then obviously makes things worse.

My boss is not around too much and some days he seems excited to help me with my work and some days he doesn't seem to want a bar of it. I get so anxious about asking questions because I don't know how he will respond. I dwell on the possibility of negative responses, I hide, I fall behind, I get more anxious.

I can't live like this anymore, i feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I can't stop dwelling on it. I need to make some changes to the way i react to situations. I don't want to care how people perceive me.

I have seen a psychiatrist, he did lead me towards mindfulness which has been helpful if I do it consistently, but that is about all I got out of it.

I am going to try and set up a meeting with my boss this week to talk about some of the issues I am having. I think this is the right thing to do no matter how much I don't want to do it.

I was hoping someone may have been in the same boat. I would like to try to work through my problem with caring about how people percieve me and would like to try some methods to work through this if anyone knows any.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Cadman to our caring community;

Kudos for finding the courage to come on board with your situation. Well done! People pleasing is a common thread name on this forum as it affects many members. If you want to put it in the search function at the top right hand corner of the page, you may find some to read.

I really want to discuss this with you but am very time poor at present. Please know I'm here in spirit and will return later on to add my comments.

I see you've posted your thread twice. New members have their entries monitored in the beginning which causes posts to be held back for a while before appearing. Don't worry if you don't see them straight away ok. It's for security and appropriate content.

Will talk soon; I totally get where you're coming from.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Just Sara]

Hey again Cadman;

Sorry for the delay.

People Pleasing can't be cured overnight. It takes time and commitment to instil positive strategies that one day will be as automatic as worrying is today. 🙂

When you say you want to learn better ways of responding to people, you're already ahead of the game. It's our patterns of behaviour that dictate how our lives pan out. Obviously others have a role, but we have no control over this.

I was a PP most of my life, but unlike you, felt resentment towards others for it. (Repressed anger) On this site, trauma was part of growing up for many, (me included) so this aspect may be relevant.

My PP behaviour was due to fear of consequences. That is; given excessive or unfair punishment, being blamed or accused, swept under the rug, humiliated, used as a scapegoat or called names. I won't go into my childhood, but just know it had 'everything' to do with my behaviour as an adult.

Finding patterns to my behaviour was like finding gold. It helped me understand the why's as well as give me somewhere to start. It also helped me identify certain personality types I gravitated to.

I've kept journals for over 20 yrs which I sometimes look over for clues. Writing your thoughts down gives you the advantage of being able to self assess without the pressure of others having a say; it's your safe place.

Beliefs, fears, ideals and habitual thinking over time, create automatic responses that if not identified and changed, will continue to cause havoc.

I know you want to find a quick fix; we all do. But the reality is, we have to work really hard and long to create changes that empower us, instead of giving it to others as a matter of course because that's what People Pleasing is; giving away our power.

With your boss; writing notes or key words on cards might help to keep focus. Maybe write notes when your boss talks, and listen carefully. Ask for clarification if you're confused. Anxiety has a way of causing fog brain and lack of concentration.

I hope I haven't confused you with my long winded reply; it's a huge issue to confront. I wish you luck with the meeting. Please let me know how you go ok.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Cadman8]

Thank you Sez,

I have read through your response a few times now and have found it very insightful.

I have trouble pinpointing the age at which my anxiety really started. I remember always being nervous about public speaking in primary school. I would get so embarrassed my face would go bright red and I felt horrible when people pointed it out. I am not sure that this is anything too irrational however.

I am tending to think that it began around the transition to high school. I was a bit of a late bloomer however was in a click that was maturing faster, I think this was a bit uncomfortable for me and may be where I started avoiding certain social situations. I might have to do some soul searching in this area of my past to try to find the catalyst that took me down this path.

I certainly do suffer from brain fog and my partner can attest to this, more and more lately I have really not been present in the moment and so my memory is horrendous.

I have emailed my boss and will try and catch him sometime this week. I feel a bit embarrassed going straight to him which is why I sent the email. I will post how it goes.

Thanks again.

[Cadman8]

Thank you Sez,

I have read through your response a few times now and have found it very insightful.

I have trouble pinpointing the age at which my anxiety really started. I remember always being nervous about public speaking in primary school. I would get so embarrassed my face would go bright red and I felt horrible when people pointed it out. I am not sure that this is anything too irrational however.

I am tending to think that it began around the transition to high school. I was a bit of a late bloomer however was in a click that was maturing faster, I think this was a bit uncomfortable for me and may be where I started avoiding certain social situations. I might have to do some soul searching in this area of my past to try to find the catalyst that took me down this path.

I certainly do suffer from brain fog and my partner can attest to this, more and more lately I have really not been present in the moment and so my memory is horrendous.

I have emailed my boss and will try and catch him sometime this week. I feel a bit embarrassed going straight to him which is why I sent the email. I will post how it goes.

Thanks again.

[Just Sara]

Afternoon Cadman;

I'm so glad my previous post was helpful. It's what we do here so feedback like yours provides feelings of value for us; thankyou.

Automatically responding to certain situations can usually be traced back to growing up in the home. As well as school, care givers and siblings create group and 1 on 1 dynamics that become patterns of normal behaviour and responses.

Your public speaking situation at school must've been very challenging C-man. I suspect you have wonderful skills and intelligence to be there in the first place, but maybe lack enthusiasm and self confidence as a result.

When we speak, we tend to focus on our audience as we did when little. This causes emotional responses as we want to be liked/validated. If the tables are turned however, what we're 'saying' becomes more important. People listening either take it or leave it.

The way I learned to do this was to listen. I listened without comment for as long as I could noticing how people responded and acted towards me. I soon realised they were usually talking for the sake of hearing their own voices.

When I spoke, I was talked over, ignored or talked 'at'. I watched on with interest and came to the conclusion I'd been giving myself to people without asking for anything in return. No wonder I craved validation.

I don't agree with people anymore to keep them happy. I tell 'my' truth and opinion with confidence. If I don't, I fall back into old habits of letting them off the hook and feeling weak afterwards.

In saying this though, I had to learn this so I practised first. I made mistakes and learned from them, then developed a style that made 'me' happy. I still 'relate' by asking questions or validating people but I refuse to engage if it's a senseless endeavour, or let them know they're not to treat me disrespectfully.

And wouldn't you know it? They began to change around me! I took back my power and gained self respect and confidence.

Anyway, that's part of my story. I hope you can find something in it for you.

Chat later;

Sez

[Ggrand]

Hello Cadman8.

I can relate to being a pp. I just came in to read your post, as your topic title caught my eye. I'm sorry but as I struggle like you on pleasing people, which can be very annoying sometimes. I cannot give any advise that would help you. , but please know you are not alone in this.

Sez. Thank you your posts gave me a some insight as to why I am a pp,

Kindness only,

Karen.

[Cadman8]

Hi,

Just a quick update, I finally got around to speaking with my boss, it was a busy week.

I was able to get some things off my chest which were bugging me which felt great. My boss said he was happy with the work I was doing and was keen on keeping me on.

I have to say I was relieved to hear this. I wish I didn't need the approval however, I would like to work on this as I feel it is a big part of what makes me anxious.