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JacobA · ‎23-01-2018

I don't know where to start. I am writing this in an attempt to get it out and clear some chatter in my head.

I have been living with this condition for my whole teenage/adult life and it is unbearable at times. On the surface I held things together OK for a while. I was outgoing and friendly and had good mates. Inside I never felt comfortable with anyone. I would avoid being in situations where I was with people one on one as I felt I had nothing to offer. At 25 yrs old I headed overseas with the one friend I was OK with and managed to fake it for about 12 months then the wheels feel off. I now realise I had and have fairly severe social anxiety. I got back to Oz and moved towns to avoid people seeing me like I was but I was fairly open with a few that I was in trouble. They encouraged me. Family encouraged me. Everyone said what a great person I was but it made no difference. This holding pattern went on for a few years and I faked it with bouts of really hard times but I simply used the strategy of avoidance to solve my issue........that said I did push myself.

Fast forward..............I changed careers by going back to uni. Married an amazing women and now have 4 kids and a good job. Problem is whenever I have holidays or down time this bloody fog envelopes me in self pity. I lay around, watch my wife struggle, spend hours on Internet looking for answers.

I keep saying I have tried everything but I don't think I am ever honestly having a go. I just want a quick fix............eg been to hospital, ECT, exercise (which I am terrible with now), counselling (I think I just forget what they say).

My brain is doing exactly what it wants and I let it expecting the worst and it becoming true. I am back at work next week and I feel totally incapable and haven't prepared what needs to be done.

I just have not meet anyone who has managed to fake it for so long (my faking is getting much worse) but been so empty and lack connection with anyone (I love my family but this condition puts me in a bubble and just flat all the time. I cannot remember a time where I felt OK with people, ever.

I can't even complain about anything dramatic or terrible happening as a kid (unlike some of you) but this is now me.

Sorry but I think this is also part of my condition expecting one of you to have an answer instead of getting on with it.

I have promised people I would be ok.

quirkywords · ‎23-01-2018

Hello JacobA,

Welcome to the forum. Well done for sharing your story and reaching out.

You say that you have faked for so long,but the wheel fell off when you were overseas and that you have severe social anxiety. So sometimes the faking does not work or do you get too tired to fake. You seem to have insight into your problems. You write "I keep saying I have tried everything but I don't think I am ever honestly having a go." You are aware what you do.

There many different treatments and most take time and sometimes it is a juggling act.

I think many of us fake as a way of coping I know I do at times and have done in the past. The trouble is that when I supress my feelings when I am faking or pretending I find that sometimes all these emotions break free in a huge outburst.

When the faking starts stopping you from getting better, it becomes a problem.

I don't have any answers only a few questions.

I hope by writing this all out has helped things to be a bit clearer.

I think you can say to people you will get help as promising you will be ok puts a lot of pressure on yourself.

Thanks again for posting here.