Horrible week

[Whatsinaname]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a horrible week, so just thought I would post to see how everyone else is going?

I'm having a hard time getting out of the shame spiral this week, but trying to remember this is only temporary.

Anyway, hope others are well, happy to chat about anything.

[Whatsinaname]

Weekend has been like a yoyo, was feeling terrible yesterday until I spoke to a friend who struggles with mental health as well, then was feeling a bit better.

Woke up today and its back to square one and nothing seems to be slowing it down.

Stuck in the shame cycle and can't get out.

Got an appointment with the GP in the morning, but I dont think he will be able to do a great deal. I just need to get through this, not just for me but for my loved ones, its just so hard.

Aurrounded but love yet feel incredibly alone

[Whatsinaname]

GP prescribed me some medication.

Feel less than nothing having to rely on drugs, but I'm running out of ideas.

[Billiee]

Hi Whatsinaname,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in.

Have you been able to identify why you feel lonely? perhaps if you can find that out then write down things that you think can help with dealing with this feeling.

are you in an area that is heavily effected by covid ?

I hope your day improves.

Billiee

[Whatsinaname]

Hi Billie,

More than happy for you to jump in any time.

Its weird, I'm surround by love, yet the fact I dont like myself I always feel unworthy of that love and that they deserve better than someone who is as broken as me.

I watch my son have an amazing time with his grandparents and I'm overwhelmed with sadness because I'm barely present

[Whatsinaname]

I dont know if its this pill or what, but I've always felt my shame cycle was due to ruminating on past mistakes, this time I think im shaming the hell out of myself for being broken.

When my son hugs me I cry because I instantly feel he deserves better than me.

[Billiee]

I have been in a similar head space as you before and i understand it can feel like a black hole that you cant climb out of but its amazing that you are already able to identify certain things about how you're feeling. That is a big thing and you should be very proud of this.

There is no one better than a child's own mother, Keep working on valuing your worth.

Do you see a psychologist? Perhaps seeing someone like this would help.

[geoff]

Hello Whatsinaname, as Gem has said 'the shame game' is about ruminating, something to convince you that should feel guilty because thinking like this over and over again can then make a mess of other negative thoughts, but it's possible to create obsessive thoughts, where you spend an amount time worrying about, analyzing, and trying to understand a particular thought, not that I'm qualified to say, only because I have OCD.

How you son behaves with your in laws is completely different to how he would with you, the rules change as do the circumstances, a he would play games and do things that you wouldn't allow, and that's no fault of yours.

We have all made mistakes, that's precisely how we learn, so past ones can't be undone but can certainly be improved, no one is perfect, and I've made countless flaws in life, but I can't reverse them only change how we manage in the future.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Whatsinaname]

Thanks Geoff and Billie,

My psychologist asked me to talk to my GP about seeing a psychiatrist about OCD but my GP, and I to a certain extent, blew off the idea.

But the more I read about the more I think I might have some issue with it. As I have obsessive thoughts that just never leave me alone.

Then I obsess over how its effecting everyone around me.

[uncut_gems]

Hi Whatsinaname,

So sorry for the delay in getting back to you; I've been traveling a bit and been caught up with other projects. So glad you also got in touch with geoff and Billiee.

I would absolutely encourage you to follow your psychologist's advice and maybe see a pyschiatrist– they really do have a different kind of medical knowledge and expertise in these things. Can I ask why you are thinking of blowing it off?

There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in turning to a drug therapy– no exaggeration they gave me my life back and allow me so much more freedom from my obsessive thoughts.

I think seizing this opportunity to really get a handle on your mental health is exactly the kind of action that demonstrates to your loved ones just how much you care for them and want to be around for many healthy years to come for them. It's a daunting process, especially at the beginning, but it really sounds to me like you are on the right track.

This may be the opportunity you have been waiting for to ultimately be happier and more present for your son. Please don't be too hard on yourself as parenting is one of the most difficult human undertakings, and as geoff hinted towards, I think in our culture it is often the role of the grandparents (or aunt/uncle etc.) and their house to be a bit of a zone of spoiling the child and being carefree– you can't always be the fun parent, and parenting by necessity won't always be fun.

Were you able to relax at all this past weekend? What does this upcoming week look like for you?

Best,

Aaron

[Whatsinaname]

Thanks gems,

I knew you were out traveling so no need to apologize.

My GP seems to think the psychiatrists in my town "aren't great." I personally was afraid of the idea of having OCD so welcomed the idea of not going.

My weekend was like a roller coaster. Every morning I wake up with a knot in my stomach and what feels like a strangling sensation. But the evening it seems to have passed some what, so I am sleeping pretty well (as well as I can with a 2 year old in the bed haha)

I ended up back at the GP on Monday, I didn't think to talk about the psychiatrist at the time as I was kind of just desperate. He prescribed me so benzos, which definitely take the edge off but I am weary of them being addictive.

I just feel like I wake up, force myself through the morning/afternoon then I can relax a little and go back to bed.

I have an appointment with my psychologist next week, which can't come quick enough.