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I’m stuck!
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I’ve never written on a forum like this before, but I’m struggling and I have no-one I can talk to about what I am going through. I’m insecure, have low self-esteem, am taking a sabbatical from work (have worked most of my life, I’m in age range 50-55) and have never felt so low. I’m trying to find the answers to all my questions and thoughts, and everything points to journaling and positive affirmations / self-talk. I have no energy and feel lost, stuck and unable to make decisions. I’m trapped in my head and trying to work out what to do. I have been with my partner for many years, and recently, started a new relationship with someone, but I just feel permanently low, like I am people-pleasing but I’m too scared to even ask ‘what do I want?’ I feel like I’m the only person in the world who feels this way, and when I look at others I think how happy they look, why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I…and then the cycle goes on and on and on. I’m afraid of life. OK stopping now as I’m not getting anywhere, but maybe someone out there has some advice or guidance or suggestions on how I survive at this thing called life (sounds a bit dramatic I know, but genuinely struggling). Thank you in advance.
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Welcome, and thanks for posting.
I understand the struggle of everyday life. I’m glad to see that you are taking a break from work so you can apply some self care. As I am of similar age to you I understand there is pressure to have it all together by now. In reality most of us are experiencing difficulties. It might be our generation but personally I haven’t found journaling or self talk helpful. Distraction does sometimes work for me especially when I’m stuck in my head. Little by little, watching tv, taking a shower, writing on this forum helps me to break looping thoughts.
It sounds like even without working you have a lot going on. Is there anything else you could put aside to lighten your load?
I can highly recommend Beyond Blue webchat, there is always someone to talk to 24/7.
Be kind to yourself.
WishyBee
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The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life, on so many levels.
I think 'I just don't know how to do life' can be a fair and understandable statement to make at times. As a 54yo gal, I've found myself thinking this on occasion over the years. When it gets to mid life or the mid-ish point, a lot of people can fob it off as 'He's/she's going through some mid life crisis'. Personally, I've found it's more about a crisis of identity and it happens for good reason. With a crisis of identity, it can be along the lines of how we identify ourself, ourself in relation to life in general, the people around us, our environment and so much more. A lot of life's philosophical questions can start pouring in and depending on how we ask the questions, whether it be with a curious tone or a depressing tone, there remains the need to find the answers. 'Who am I really? Why am I here? What's my purpose? What really brings me joy? Why am I suffering/struggling so much?' and stuff along those lines. I've found it pays to develop a curious or wonderful (wonder filled) tone, rather than a depressing one. I know, easier said than done at times but I find a depressing tone tends to lead me deeper and deeper into that dark well known as depression. If the call is to raise ourself, rather than sink further into that well, the question becomes 'How the heck do I raise myself?'. Depending on how far in or down we are, we could add to that 'when I've never felt myself this low before'.
When people mention 'energy levels', this is not always as straight forward as some might imagine. There's physical energy, which can involve every energy system in our body (vascular system, endocrine system, nervous system, muscular system etc) and all the chemical energy that interacts with such systems. Then there's mental energy which can involve the energy of our belief systems, inner dialogue and more. And lastly there's what you could call natural energy or a soulful kind of energy. Combining all 3 aspects, so as to offer an example, you could say 'The people pleaser in me insists I please everyone but myself (mental energy)and this is not really all that good for dopamine production (physical/chemical energy). I just can't sense all that much life running through me and it feels soul destroying (a basic or natural sense of energy)'.
While I happily admit to being a bit of a 'woo woo' gal 😁, I also appreciate the sciences. Quantum physics points to the nature of energy, including how it's expressed and experienced. If there's not enough of it, if energy's not excited enough, we can't feel any great excitement. We're designed to feel energy in motion (e-motion) and when there's a lack of it. 'What chemistry is going to excite me and every cell in my body? What new facet of myself, which there's a need to develop, can get me excited? What soulful or natural elements in life are going to excite me?' can be questions leading to exploring a truly fascinating rabbit hole packed with inspiration, revelations and possibilities.
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I know how you feel and I am in a similar position at a similar age. I know that I need to make a change but I don’t know what change to make or how to get there, after being in a long-term marriage and losing two of my children to parental alienation during the divorce it left me disconnected and depressed. I took shelter in my work and now the industry is changing so rapidly and is now run by people half my age and I am finding it hard to get past that and continue so I am looking for something new but not finding it. I’m living in a constant state of anxiety and fear Because I feel like I have so much time left in life but not enough resources or energy to sustain myself. I too have found a new partner who is wonderful and supportive but I cannot share these deep dark feelings with her.
I understand you may have been looking for advice and I wish I could give you some but perhaps it may give you some peace to know that you are not alone.
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It looks like you are able to turn this difficult situation into a positive and I applaud that. I will do my best to approach things with curiosity rather than depression or anxiety however it may take a bit of work to get there. I must admit that what you wrote has inspired and uplifted me a bit during a difficult time. Thank you very much for your contribution
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Hello to all, and I agree Tombo67, TR has offered a really hopeful and rich way to address this mid-life challenge we face. In some ways, I see it as my personal reckoning, i.e. a clarion call to change up the way I value myself, my relationships and my opportunities in life. It is a long and pretty rugged process, I have found. But one that does make sense to me even when I'm suffering from the stress and angst that result from clinging on to my old ways of trying to be me.
I've heard it from a few different sources now, the prompt to 'Let go of who you think you are/need to be, and become who you are'. This resonates so deeply for me as I now recognise that I have developed a pretty sophisticated routine in performing 'myself' for others. It is painful to change this habit, will my relationships survive me dropping the 'act'? It brings up such a lot of fear and shame. So, this is where my work is - to challenge the shame that tries to convince me I'm not okay being my true, simple self and drawing on my courage to show up in the world without the pleasing and performing.
For me, the first task has been to acknowledge the gap between who I present as in my relationships and who are really am. Because although I fear to be seen for the real 'me', it is also what I most desire. And the act I have learned to perform is tiring. I wonder if this is some of what you are feeling too?
Part of the reason why this process is happening now for me, in mid-life, is that I have the resources to deal with it. I have worked on building my inner awareness and really reflecting on my values. I have sought the support of kindly comrades along the way and gained much from psychotherapy. And yet it is still really hard. I can go through extended periods of insomnnia, physical distress and mental anguish when triggered by particular life challenges or relationship interactions. I can get completely off-course from my 'project' and forget all the good work I've done on reclaiming the person I was meant to be. The shame and the guilt and the alienation can sneak back into to my experience and I can feel like I'm back at the beginning again. Adrift and bereft. So then it's a matter of dusting myself off, remembering why I'm feeling the way I am - usually I haven't honoured my needs - and start with small steps in prioritising my values and connecting with key people.
And another great piece of advice I have received - believe in yourself, it's your number one task.
Go well
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Hi Annas1
The amount of times I've asked myself 'Why can I not pass this test (being my most authentic self) with this particular person or these people?' I've lost count of. They're typically people I've known my whole life. So, I suppose you could say it's about trying to break the habit of a lifetime. It's about avoiding being degraded in some way, being declared in one way or another as being worth less or worthless. I give the sage in me full credit regarding the following wisdom 'Shouldn't you have the attitude towards others of 'BRING IT ON. GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT. COME ON, GRADE ME HOW YOU WILL AND WATCH AS YOUR WORDS BECOME NOTHING MORE THAN WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK''. We might need to ruffle our feathers a bit now and then, to avoid anything sinking in, but learning how to let things slide right off us means inviting that which tests us. While this sounds good in theory, practice is a whole other thing. Practice, practice, practice makes us confident practitioners of being our most authentic self. If we don't practice being ourself how do we hope to become masters of who we are?
Our greatest supporters can definitely make such a difference. While my mum was my greatest supporter and used to insist I remain true to myself and be proud of who I am, she passed away five and a half weeks ago. Now I am being tested without her here. Now I find myself fighting with people or no longer tolerating certain behaviours, which is liberating in a sense. In the past, I would go to my mum feeling wounded. While I used to surrender parts of myself and seek reassurance (after insults or degradation), now I find myself becoming more so a warrior princess 😁 who's prepared to fight the good fight, the fight to remain true to myself. In my mind and heart, the full support of my mum remains.
In the process of us developing a truly brilliant nature, I believe we need to decide whether it's a nature worth fighting for, as opposed to a nature to be sacrificed in order to please others. Why would we not fight for what we truly love about ourself? And while we may earn a few labels in the process, such as 'difficult', 'inflexible' and some other very colourful labels, let us not call them labels. We shall call them 'badges of honour' and wear them proudly as we honour ourself and what we stand for. Cheers to being upstanding. 🙂🥂❤️
