Have you forgiven yourself?

[Scotchfinger]

There are things I find hard to even admit to myself, let alone tell a bunch of strangers on a forum. Not jailable offences but still things I am in no way proud of.

I think for some of us, guilt is like a chronic disease. it erodes our soul. It makes us think we need to keep suffering in order to pay for our sins. And it affects our relations with people in a negative way. So I can't just say I've been a victim in life because I've also been one who has caused others pain and anguish. I don't need to hear your sins, just the fact that you continue to suffer guilt like me.

[Neil_1]

Dear Bailey

Oh wow … you’re words have blown me away again.   Thank you so much.

The other fact was that they chose to do it so incredibly soon after Mum passed.  There’s so many “other” things they’ve done in the past year that have amazed myself and my other bro;  amazed as in, horrified and disgusted.  Why?  Why is the word that springs to mind, we simply don’t understand.  Likewise, we don’t hate them – that is such a horrible word and terrible emotion, but we do pity them and just wonder what kind of lives they lead.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve also suffered losses over the past number of years and so you know and understand the emotions, the grief associated with all that.  These feelings are amongst the worst you can ever experience, I think.  They just rip you up inside and what’s left behind is a scar that hurts.  Well, that’s how it feels for me.

I will be thinking of you this coming Saturday and Saturday night – having to put to sleep a beloved pet is something that is so terribly hard to do and to deal with.  We’ve got my Mum’s little dog (Tess – she’s my pic on B.Blue) living with us, she’s now 16yo and is very full of life and excitable – she’s melded into our home and our life like a hand in a glove – but she is quite old and cannot walk too well.  She’s affected quite badly with arthritis – the vet’s injections to ease this do help, but not for that long a time.  So in a roundabout way – nah, I won’t say that – I just love her so much and she’s so incredibly special to me.

I hope that you’ve got support to have close by for you on Saturday (and Sunday) to help get you through this upcoming time.

The sentence you wrote:

“But every day I get up, breath in and out and try my best to cope despite my hidden and underlining unhappiness and depression”.

Bailey, that was the perfect sentence – that captured so much in just one sentence.  I nodded when I read it and had tears form as well and then have re-read it many times.  Crucial words like “cope” and “despite – hidden – unhappiness & depression”, just about says it all.

Thank you again and take care my friend,  hope to hear from you when you’re able to write again.

Neil

[Blue_Water]

Hi Neil,

You write so meaningful and succinctly, have you done any formal therapy training? Or is it simply because you've experienced the entire spectrum of human emotions and can articulate yourself from the heart knowing full well the familiar feelings? Whatever the case, don't change your replies as they are sensitive, tactile and caring. I'm absolutely convinced you're one in a million and I haven't met you. You can get a feel for someone's personality coming through via their writing and I firmly believe and I've already mentioned it, you’ve helped hundreds of people here on BB.

My husband came home early today due to the state I've been in over the putting down of my beloved dog. When he saw my state of grief, he decided to ring and speak to our vet. After a lengthy discussion and an urgent visit shortly afterwards to his surgery, my dog Sam has received a stay of execution. The vet has one last ditch treatment that might just might fix his ears. Needless to say, we're both feeling a huge sense of relief that we didn't have to say goodbye to him. He is a gentle, happy and beautiful boy. To have his life cut short by us putting him asleep had me at the point I felt I couldn't forgive myself for doing so even though it would have been out of kindness to him. Your dog Tess sounds adorable, they love us so unconditionally and I think it's incredible she's 16 which means she obviously doesn't want to go anywhere in a hurry. 

I'm glad my sentence about getting up each day resonated with you and hopefully others as well that may read this post.

We'll keep on surviving as best as we can, making the most of life when we can, but most of all, trying to make a difference to people's lives when we can. We can't do any better than that, so perhaps we can learn to forgive ourselves for things we can't change. We owe it to ourselves to do so. 

[blondguy]

Hi Blue

I understand and great to hear that Sam is still with us...I rescue dogs and rehabilitate them...I have this awful guilt about my Border Collie 'Jack' who I had to get euthanized just before Christmas....I am an experienced dog wrangler however it makes no difference as it was just like the first time. I rescued Jack from a breeder that had him on a chain without shelter that was using him to breed. I had Jack for 17 years and he ended up with Paralysis of the Larynx ....He was way too old for the surgery....I was a mess and what I find frustrating is people I know (with good intentions) saying "you've done the right thing".......Totally meaningless and clinical to me..

Like Sam, Jack was a gentle, happy and beautiful boy who I had the good fortune to have for 17 years....Just a positive and hopefully productive note....If you know anyone with a Border Collie....give them a paddock... not a backyard.....they are a working dog even though mine was 'damaged' when i 'accidentally acquired him 🙂

The guilt (and grief) is still with me for not delivering him to 'Doggy Heaven' at an earlier stage....and thats from an experienced and caring dog wrangler....(carer)

Thankyou for  your understanding and reading how incredibly difficult this is to all serious animal lovers

Kind Thoughts

Paul (Woof!)

[Blue_Water]

Hi BG, 

Thank you for your kind sentiments regarding Sam. We took him out to our local Cafe today for a coffee and then my husband took him for a run in the park this afternoon for over an hour. To see a dogs happy smiling face brings such joy, I feel very relieved he's still with us today. 

I understand the grief you would have felt by loosing Jack, they're an integral part of our family. I believe it was meaningful and kind to let him go. We put our animals suffering to end but we don't do that when it comes to humans. Why? I don't believe any living creature be it human or animal should live with any type of pain or suffering, you'd think euthanasia would be a choice we could make if we don't want to live with suffering. The civil libertarians wouldn't allow it to be passed through parliament in a minute. I think it'd be more humane to choose to leave this earth peacefully rather than in other unpleasant ways.

You say you carry guilt around with you, it's really hard to know how Jack's quality of life would have been at the time he passed over. They have no voices and it's up to us to make a decision on their behalf which is extremely difficult to do. You loved him immensely and I believe if I had him, I most likely would have done the same as you. How do you make a decision to end one of your family members life? People that aren't animal lovers don't have the understanding that they mean a great deal to us. 

I applaud you for being a dog wrangler, rewarding, at times heartbreaking however I'm sure you wouldn't want to do anything else. Good on for contributing to society in an amazing way.

[Neil_1]

Dear Bailey

Thank you again for your amazing kind words – I’ve often thought that my posts can be a bit lengthy – I’m almost the complete opposite when behind a keyboard, as opposed to real life.  I find it difficult to talk – even on the weekend, was back with my bro and his fam, and they ask questions, and I reply with the shortest possible answer.  Then they have a chat and talk and talk – which is all great – I don’t mind being a listener.

I am so pleased to hear that your Sam is still here -  did you mention how old Sam is?   I’m guessing he’s a part indoor/outdoor dog?  Ours are, though little Tess was never an outdoor dog – obviously coming off a farm, Dad and Mum never had any dogs inside (the other dogs were sheep dogs on the property), but Mum always had a little “house” dog, though she always had to be outside.  But with us, I believe she loves being inside – though we have to be very vigilant with her toileting.  🙂  So they both have their outdoor beds, but in front of our main tv, they each have an indoor beddie as well, where they curl up and just be as lazy as they want to be.

And yes, you’re absolutely right – that the love for us they have is unconditional and so strong.  Our Jack (11yo) never is fully settled at home, till all family members are home.  If one of us is out, he’ll often be sitting near the front window waiting for the other person to come home.

Survival as best we can is what we have to do – you have your own marvellous way with words also Bailey.

Hi there Paul

Thank you for your message in this thread also.  I don’t know if this can be of help to you, but at least you KNOW that when you took Jack from that other horrible place, that for the rest of his life (17 years) he’d have had the very best of love and care, so in that, I hope you can get a little peace that he was cared for so well.

I’ve mentioned in other parts on this site about the amazing link/relationship we build with our pets and that bond grows to be so incredibly strong, that when the end comes, it’s very hard to describe the intensity that we feel for the loss.  We do experience grief big time.  I guess that’s because we are sensitive to those kinds of things.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello BW

So pleased Sam is still around.

I have had dogs all my life. The last one I lost I had to put to sleep. She had cancer and I took her to the vet for treatment. It was successful, although the vet said it would eventually come back if she was a younger dog. As she was quite old she would die naturally before this happened. My dog was so happy about being out of pain and able to run around.  She jumped and turned and broke her back in the process. I was devastated. And then I had to put her to sleep anyway because she was in pain and could not walk.

I do understand your joy in keeping Sam and I so much wish I could have kept my dog until she died naturally. She was so lovely, defended us against the world, took my children to school, kept the cats in order. And then to break her back at the end was just terrible. Even now I find it hard to write her name.

Our animals mean so much to us and give us such joy and comfort. I have never been able to have another dog.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Dear Mary

I really feel for you with your story about your beautiful dog.

We love them so much, they love us so much.  They really are an amazing animal.

Quick story to share, re:  one of my Dad’s working sheep dogs, way back in the day.  His name was Laddie (the dog … not my Dad) – ok, moving along.

One day Dad was up in amongst the sheep checking them out and at one stage, he asked Laddie to sit.  Dad did whatever he had to do and then went back to the farm-house.  Later he went outside again and looked for Laddie – when he spied him still at the spot in the paddock where he’d asked him to sit.  This was a truly amazing dog – when Dad would go to milk the cows, as soon as he left the house with his milking bucket, Laddie would shoot off over to where the cows were and he’d bring them into the milking yards.

I loved those stories my Dad would tell me about his dog.

Cheers

Neil

[blondguy]

Hi Bailey and Neil

You are both Legends and thankyou so very much for your compassion and sincere comments about Jack (Spratt)

I was very hesitant about letting anyone know on here because I felt I was going to get advice which I with respect I didnt want......and you guys gave me heaps of understanding and I thankyou so much.

I hope Sam is doing okay

(and thankyou again Neil)

Paul

[Neil_1]

Hey Paul

Absolutely no worries and I really want to thank you for a really kind response back.  It really is so awesome to know that some of our posts have been gratefully received – it really means a lot, so thank you again.

It’s also great to hear of your love of animals and how you were able to save Jack from what he was living with beforehand.  Just to know that, should make you swell with pride for what you did for him.

Kind regards

Neil

[blondguy]

Hi Neil

that is the nicest and most heartfelt and sincere response I have had about Jack from anybody I know, even family and for that I thank you Neil. I hope Tess is okay...I can see her back legs in your pic.....My heart goes out to you during her twilight years.....and the cortisone injections (?) that aid her in living a quality life not to mention your tender loving care you provide as a serious dog lover. I am not religious Neil...but bless you and the way you care

Kind Regards

Paul