Have you forgiven yourself?

[Scotchfinger]

There are things I find hard to even admit to myself, let alone tell a bunch of strangers on a forum. Not jailable offences but still things I am in no way proud of.

I think for some of us, guilt is like a chronic disease. it erodes our soul. It makes us think we need to keep suffering in order to pay for our sins. And it affects our relations with people in a negative way. So I can't just say I've been a victim in life because I've also been one who has caused others pain and anguish. I don't need to hear your sins, just the fact that you continue to suffer guilt like me.

[Blue_Water]

Hi SF,

 I've most definitely experienced and am still going through my battle with the pain and anguish I've caused over the course of my life. It's horrible and if I could go back and do many "do-overs", I would in a heartbeat. You aptly describe how guilt erodes the soul. It's an awful feeling and one I wish I could have my brain not contend with on a regular basis. I've hurt people too unintentionally and lost friends, jobs and husbands because of my actions. I suffer with you SF and wish it was a matter of clicking my fingers and wiping our bad memories away. How do I deal with it?  Most of the time I push the negative thoughts to the dark recesses of my mind, keep busy so I try not to let the all too consuming thoughts take over. When I simply can't stop thinking of them, I sleep to block out the memories or I just weather it and suffer in silence till eventually the thoughts subside. 

Trust me, you're not alone.

BW

[Mummybee]

I tend to feel guilt in a different way. I like things to have a reason. If something bad happens to me or people I love I justify it by saying "oh well that's because I..."

I felt so guilty last night after I put one of my rubbish bags in the next door neighbours bin. She is elderly and hers is always half empty. When I went out this morning our wheelie bin has been stolen. I know it's because I put my rubbish in someone elses bin...

mummybee 

[Neil_1]

Hi there SF

I too would like to chip in here.

I’ve gotta say that your post is a ripper and for BW’s response, I was nodding my head and agreeing with her comments – well, most of it anyway, as I can’t really relate to the husband’s bit.

It’s an incredible evil emotion and I’ve found that over many years of counselling session, psych’s, etc, no-one has been able to reduce the level of guilt that I live with.  In the heat of the moment, you make a decision and it turned out to be the wrong decision and the penalty paid was the worst result possible.  Then you get the professionals trying to tell you that what you did was what anyone else would have done, that you did your best, that you weren’t to know, and I could rattle off another dozen or more comments that they have made to me. 

It doesn’t make one scrap of difference.

It’s a haunting feeling that lives with me and because of it, you find it easy to hate yourself.

Then extending on from that, PTSD is the natural outcome.

I could go on, but think I’ll leave it at that for the moment.

Neil

Ps:  well done on producing such a good thread and topic.  One not to shy away from – hopefully others can come and do their ‘unloading’ if they feel able to.

[Scotchfinger]

I notice in the news today, somewhere in WA, I think it was, a father accidentally ran over his own 2 year old son on a driveway, causing his death.

Can't begin to imagine how traumatic that must be, especially for the father. I've never suffered like that so I guess I'm lucky.

[Durras]

Hi all,

I have guilt poisoning my entire body, I feel like it running through me, all my thoughts and emotions and decisions I feel like I have to be so careful and gentle with everything I do. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but then I think I need reassurance for any decisions I do make, is this ok, is that ok, or to justify or the time. I don't know why this is, where it stems from, can't remember most of my childhood, I must of blocked it out from my memory. I can remember little fazes of it, bits and pieces but nothing really till 15 and kicked myself out of home.

But yeah I have spend most of my life feeling guilty and I don't know why, with this I feel worthless or useless as I haven't lived to an expectation as one thing I remember from around age 18 and in my 20's mum and dad saying things to me like (No you can't do that you won't succeed) I also remember my dad saying that I would end up in the gutter, or jail and he won't bail me out. Sorry this is all probably off topic here.

Now here I am 44, no qualifications, no job and struggling to find one and now feeling guilty for not being a excellent mum providing for my daughter with her needs. And feeling guilty for being a terrible wife, my husband coming home each day to me like this (not my daughters dad)

On top of all this my past is crawling constantly in my mind with where did I go wrong with my life, what happened that made me this way so useless, and feeling ashamed because I didn't do better.

Well I guess now that I have put it all this way it is more then guilt poisoning me. I'm too confused to notice the difference most of the time.

That's me, my little story, my life.

Hugs to you all

Durras

[Scotchfinger]

Bluewater

thanks for your post

No wonder some of us turn to drugs and alcohol

[Scotchfinger]

Mummybee

Thanks for your post.

I've been so tempted to put my dog's poo bag in another's bin, (on trash collection day), but pleased to say I haven't yet!!

[Scotchfinger]

Neil

Thanks. You've really made my day with those compliments!!

[Durras]

Hi SF,

You hit the nail on the head with that comment.

I started smoking at the age of 11 and then doing drugs and drinking when I kicked myself out of home. So yeah I can't blame my dad for those comments but then I am the child.  I just finished re-reading other comments above mine and sorry I didn't put more attention into the topic of how I have hurt people.

I know with doing drugs and drinking yes I have played many horrible, malicious games against people in spite and hurt them terribly and also have hurt people very close to be such as my twin brother, we didn't speak to one another for 3 years and I can go on.

This is something that keeps recurring from my past and people say to me (just say to yourself your not that person anymore) if it could only be as done as you said just click the fingers and all will be better and different and gone. When all this does come into my mind from the past it has such a huge impact on my now, present and don't know how to change or control it. Anyway going on too much as I do. Yeah got to know when to stop talking and typing.

This is such a nice forum thou, it gives me the feeling of belonging to or apart of something really wonderful. NEVER HAD THAT FEELING BEFORE! Its warming to know and have this feeling, especially with all the hugs shared.

On that note finish with a massive hug to all.

Durras

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