Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Raindrop.

Welcome to BB and usernames are just fine, call me whatever you like just as long as you post whenever/whatever you feel you need too.

Wow what a first post. Thankyou for such kind words, I had to read it a few times to make sure it was in my thread as the word 'amazing' is far from how I would describe myself.

As for AGrace, you are so right she is one beautiful person. I have called her an angel before. No matter what's happening in her world, she just seems to push through and keep going.

I don't think she could stop helping people if she tried and I know these forums would not be the same without her. If there were more people around half as good as her, the world would be so much nicer.

I always thought that everyone worried and thought like I did so I guess I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child. I have been a 'homebody/loner' for so long and just thought it was normal for some people until mid July this year when it hit me and hit me hard. 

I am booked in for pathology but you can add needles to my growing list of phobias too! A grown man scared of so many things. I think I'm worthless and weak and far from amazing but your post (and some recent events) has made me think, and I thank you for that. 

I hope all is well for you when you read this, and your anxiety is not taking over. Fight like your life depends on it, and hope you get time to reply. Would like to know how you are going and all the best to you.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hiya Darlin'!

Hope that you are well and happy.

Great to hear from you, as I can stop worrying about you getting home now. I know about the lost message thing. Spent awhile last night making you a lovely post and it got lost.

How about that first post from Raindrop? Fantastic stuff I thought.

Ok my inquisitive friend, time to answer your questions. I am fine considering I haven't even packed yet or found anywhere to go. I have had the best week since I cant remember. I have smiled (forgot how it felt) and even laughed a lot.

I got to the rescheduled GP appointment that I missed last time. I saw my old Doc who did not know about my condition. Believe me Amber talking, bowel movements was roses compared to the stuff we had to talk about. He was great and changed dosage of ad's (like you) and added new meds as well as getting me onto the free psych thing that I have seen you mention before.

Regular sleeping and eating patterns are out the window but I am trying to work on it. I try to turn negatives into positives (when I can) and keep telling myself the bad things about my house for inspiration. The tiger snake in my lounge room last Christmas helps a bit!

I haven't played music but have started to listen to it again and was nearly dancing around last night to very loud music until late. I was celebrating achievements from this week which I will tell you about maybe next time.

My sister has gone home & quite sick with flu or something and lost her voice so she sends sms at the moment. Still gets a lot of words in though! Its nice of people to visit thinking its helping, ie; your parents etc but don't know that it can be added stress for us.

Sorry to hear getting home had you sad, but any change in environment can do strange things to us and I know how you feel about your parents visiting. You seem to get through it by staying active and also helping others so I am learning from you.

I wasn't angry that I didn't here from you, just hoping you would reply when you could and a bit worried that you were not home and still 'there'. It's great to hear from you and I am sending you a virtual hug along with a large block of chocolate, that you are not to eat all at once!

Thanks for posting, and again, great to hear from you.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Sorry I caused you to worry. I'm doing pretty good. You say you were making me a lovely post as though you were actually hand crafting me a gift:) It's a bit of a bugger when the internet cuts out or something. I've started copying the text before I post it so that I don't have to rewrite everything over again. Having said all that, the post that did go through was lovely, thank you.

I've already finished the chocolate, but never fear I've been to Coles to stock up! The good thing is that the new medication doesn't give me any cravings, so I have HONESTLY eased up on the chocolate intake. I was however reading that the Swiss consume on average 10kg of chocolate p/person p/year, making them the highest consumers in the world. 10kg is nothing, if you hear that Australia tops the charts this year then at least you can say that you know of the culprit:)

Wow, smiling now...that's a huge step. It does take less muscles than frowning, so certainly a lot easier. Laughing as well. What is this medication you are on...I think we could all do with some:)) Is moving in with your sister for a little while an option? It sounds like from all your singing and dancing your sister needs to get you to a Melbourne Night Club sometime soon.

Bowel movements and Roses just don't belong in the same sentence, however if you want a bit of a laugh google poopourri, or take a look at the youtube ad. I'm really pleased that your Dr has made some massive changes to your medications. Great news about the Psychologist, when is your first appointment?

A tiger snake is a very good incentive to move. You do realise it's nearly next Christmas, it would be a shame to have a repeat. Don't worry too much about the sleeping and eating, it will settle down again when your medication starts to take effect, give it a few more weeks. Try to avoid napping as much as you can.

I'm soooo looking forward to hearing about these achievements:)

I'm just getting some teary moments now, it's not too bad, sometimes quite funny afterward. This morning I remembered I had an absolute fit at my partner about my last birthday gift, and that made me cry. Last night I saw someone getting cremated on tv and that had me balling my eyes out. A good time to take out shares in Kleenex I think:)

That's very nice to say, I'm glad to be so inspiring. I get my inspiration from all of you here, particularly when you are doing it tough and still fighting...and smiling.

Amber

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

I thought I'd just check in and see how you are doing?

I hope you're hanging in there, and perhaps having some luck with packing and a potential new home. I'm not sure if you have seen the Psychologist yet?

Thinking of you.

Amber

[Aggy]

Hi my chocolate eating friend.

I'm glad you liked the chocolate and hope you are well and happy.

I have not had a good day, I'm sorry. I was doing so well all week and knew the fall would arrive sooner or later. A friend came to visit tonight and saw the front door open (unusual) & found me sitting on the floor, shaking violently completely in the dark and as usual all alone.

I'm so sorry for posting that. It's negative which I am trying to avoid but I needed to get that out. I am feeling a bit emotional that has caused a big anxiety attack. I cant go into further detail right now but don't worry, I am up and ready to fight again.

My first psych appointment is Friday. The lady sounded nice on the phone, so even though I am panicking about getting there, I am hoping to learn how to find some strength and move up and out of this hole.

I have not packed a thing yet as I'm still unable to accept that I have to move. I have not found a place to live and my boss is going to see me on Friday to give me the sack I think. Trying to stay positive and fight is getting difficult now.

I understand about being upset with what you see on television and found I turn it on less all the time. I cannot watch it when it gets to heavy which makes it difficult being agoraphobic. I have 'cabin fever' but know I am still safer inside at home.

Its 2 am and I'm going to try and sleep again. I will post back again soon hopefully with something more positive, and will tell you of my achievements from last week soon.

Thanks for thinking of me. Coming here to BB is nearly the only good thing I have left sometimes.

The fight continues..

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

ALL TIME NEW LOW.

Even my own agoraphobia is turning on me now and I am not happy at all. I dropped my guard and went outside three times over 2 weeks and it has turned out badly three times. I was lulled into a false sense of security by a positive GP appointment.

So much for the theory of 'it's all in my mind' and 'nothing will happen'. I can't believe what humans are capable of and fed up with dealing them. And so after a small trial, the 'baby steps' scheme comes to an abrupt end. Hmm. Didn't last long!

I am turning up the volume on my agoraphobia. Those that have followed this thread have seen me battle to win as time goes by. No more for now, anyway. I can't believe I let my guard down only to find out yet again that I don't fit into society.

Its like the final confirmation I didn't need right now of being worthless and have no place in the world outside. Strangely, it's good to find my suspicions are true before getting to confident.

I know it's wrong. I have been studying a lot about my condition. I realise my brain is trying to protect me with a fast, band aid solution that can cause bigger problems (and has already) but It's what I'm doing anyway.

I had a go, and I'm not saying it won't work for others but it didn't work out for me.

Not this time anyway.

-Aggy.

PS; I have two words to say about anxiety, and the second word is anxiety.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

You're not giving up that easily!

Don't forget it wants to win this game and you're right that's ....... but don't make your choice too quickly. We've all fallen a thousand times before, and often further than we thought we could fall, but choosing not to get back up so you don't have to fall again isn't an option.

No one ever said this would be easy but I promise you it will be worth it.

Thinking of you, and sending you a gigantic hug:)

Amber x

PS; I'm still waiting for your positive achievements, and if it wasn't for your ....... up anxiety you would still be thinking of these. Laugh, sing and dance until you don't feel angry anymore:))

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

It's been a couple of days, so I just wanted to check in and see if some small miracle had wrapped itself up with a bow and landed on your doorstep?

I sincerely hope that you are doing ok. Don't forget 1 step forward and 10 steps back is still progress. Do you think it's worthwhile getting your sister to come back?

I'm still thinking of you and look forward to hearing back from you. Take care.

Amber

[AGrace]

Something I forgot to mention, but something that will make you laugh...

They've actually done an article about me in the paper today, you might like to google Toilet anxiety: fear of the unmentionable

I've printed the article to take to my Psychiatrist tomorrow so she doesn't think I'm just a mad woman who didn't pass Freud's Phallic Stage in childhood!!

[Raindrop]

Hi Aggy!!!

I'm so so sorry to hear that you have hit an all-time low recently. It is true what you said about your brain; It is trying to protect you like the most over-protective father in the world; and just like the child being protected by a parent like that who loves you so much- it is going to make you extremely miserable a lot of the time. 

All I can say is that you would clearly be a great dad because your protective instincts are the best I've ever seen! (See, there is another reason why you're so awesome)

By all means make sure you take the time inside to re-group and lick your wounds that the world gave to you recently - everyone needs time to recoil into a safety zone, just remember that you have so many people captivated by your accomplishments with this battle of yours and so many people are cheering for you from all over the world (I'm sure there are even more people who have been reading your words but who haven't summoned the strength to post yet, and thats ok). You did AWESOME just by getting out there 3 times in two weeks!!! I'm so proud of you! 🙂

I hope you're feeling better really soon and look forward to hearing from you!!

-Raindrop-