Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Raindrop]

Hi Amber,

There's a gap between replying to you and to Aggy because I went to the doctor in between and rested up. I was a bit sick today but feeling better.

I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression as I've never really felt comfortable discussing it with a GP, at the moment my life is a bit too full of changes for me to accept adding another one just now - even if it is a positive one. I am planning to find a GP I am really comfortable with before xmas though and will talk to them about these feelings of mine.

The ADHD was actually diagnosed a few years ago and in a lot of ways it explains why I struggle with certain things like keeping to a schedule and time limits - my perception of time is a lot more bendy than others it would seem 😛 I have meds but prefer to avoid them as much as possible, I noticed a while ago that when I take them too frequently I stop being able to concentrate at all without them. Plus they really don't help with my anxiety/depression because once they wear off I crash emotionally.

I hope your doing well, I also understand the chocolate cravings although I am a chocolate biscuit fanatic rather than a purist 🙂 sounds like the Swiss are our long-lost people! As for the weepiness I hope its not getting you down, sometimes I think our bodies just need to cry, I get it too - and at weird things as well - about a month ago I cried because I dropped some food on the kitchen floor... no good reason but it did kind of make me feel better.

Looking forward to a virtual espresso anytime you want to join me 🙂 We might have to get it take-away though and have it at Aggy's... Maybe we can go on a virtual tiger snake hunt.

-Raindrop-

[Asche]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, life's been insanely busy. Aggy, your agoraphobia isn't turning against you. It never could. I'm sure you know this already, but It's never been with you in the first place. Your guard isn't a shield, it's an iron maiden. It may seal you away from the nastiness of the world, but it also isolates you from all that's good, however fleeting and elusive that may seem. And it IS out there. You know it is, because AGrace is real, because Raindrop is real, because everyone on BB is real. And if we exist, we're out there somewhere, someplace you can find us.

I'd say more, but I don't think it's necessary. You know all of this already.

If you don't mind my asking...what happened, Aggy?

[Aggy]

Hello to all and hope you are going fine.

I haven't got much time so this has to be quick.

I thought 3 days ago was bad but nothing compared to now. Nearly lost it today in front of visiting health care workers over bad news phone call. My best friend and only person I half trust has watched me falling apart today but stuck with me.

Begged her not to leave but just left with my car and left me in bad shape. Its to much to deal with now. Will chat later.

bye all

-aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Thanks so much for taking the time to update us. I was getting very concerned about you. Please let us know if there's anything we can do, even if it's just to listen when you feel you need to vent.

It never makes it any better hearing this from someone else but I'll say it anyway. I know what the tough times are like, but I promise they won't stick around forever. You really do have all of us here thinking of you, and hoping that you will get the support that you need.

You might think this is really silly but I'll share it with you anyway. The last time I went to hospital after my most recent suicide attempt one of the things they made me do was write a little survival poem that we could read as a reminder that it's never really as bad as it seems. So this was the poem I came up with (warning: it's not that great but then my frame of mind at the time was not in a good place:) )

Sometimes the world is a horrible place

Sometimes you miss the colours

Sometimes you'll spend more time pretending to be something that you're not

Sometimes it takes time

and sometimes you'll lose faith

Often you'll take the wrong path, and you'll just want life to stop

Sometimes you'll feel trapped and no longer able to picture a happy ever after

As you experience these feelings and think these thoughts

take a step back, lean on someone

Experience the world for all it has to offer

and you'll realise that this is just life

and it's worth living.

I'm sending you a virtual big, warm teddy bear so that you can spend the evening having lot's of well deserved cuddles. No doubt raindrop will also be sending you some warm chicken soup. You are already travelling the hardest road, so have hope that your journey is just about to get a lot smoother.

Take Care x

Amber

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

I really hope all is well for you. Everything here is going not to bad for the moment but i know what the roller coaster is like. 

I have not been able to Google the subject you suggested. I have not had much time to get on line. With a new girlfriend around things are quite different for me and takes some time to get used to.

Lucky for me she is understanding of my illness and helps me get the hard stuff done down in the town. I hope it works out for us as I like her a lot but have trouble dealing with people at the best of times. Seems as though she thinks I'm worth something anyway.

Won't be long until she realizes how hopeless so I am so not terribly confident. No one should have to put up with me except me. I don't think I'm worth the trouble which I have told her several times but she just laughs it off.

I have a big hospital psych appointment tomorrow so I am panicking about that a fair bit. I will push hard to get strength to get to that.

For the moment, I like to think that God has sent me an angel to help and watch over me.Hope it goes well, I'm not ready for any more let downs right now.

-Aggy

[Aggy]

Hi Asche.

Hope you doing well and feeling fine.

Thanks for posting your positive comments. I'm not exactly sure that "insanely busy" is the correct term on BB but I think I know what you mean anyway! As always, any post is appreciated anytime.

I understand what you are saying about missing out on all that's good in the world but my brain will not allow me to get past the stupid feelings and thoughts even though I know it's not right.

I look forward to the time when I can go out, but people are just so mean and nasty that I cant afford to take the chance at the moment. I know you are all real but my problem is I don't know who I am anymore.

Sorry that I am unable to say what happened as there are people I know personally involved, so I feel I must get over it by myself. As usual, I am more worried about others than myself!

Stay well Asche.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

I'm crying like a father walking his daughter down the aisle. I'm so happy for you, it sounds like your new girlfriend is indeed angelic. You certainly deserve the best, and you can doubt it as much as you like. All of us here know how special you are and I bet your girlfriend does too. I'm going to be nosey, as usual, and ask where you guys met? Of course, you don't have to answer if you would prefer not to. Perhaps you could write and or play her a song to show her how much she means to you. The good thing about relationships is that you only have to worry about how much she is worth, let her worry about your incredible worth. BTW is this the same girl who took off with your car? If so, good for her, at least she knows how to get away from you when you're behaving like a ....!

I'm glad that things are at least a little more stable, and you're out of the "hell hole" as it were. Have you moved? Are you still planning to?

How did the "big hospital Psych" appointment go? I hope for your sake that it went really well.

You wouldn't believe how busy my life has become with my new course, my website, outpatient programs, volunteering, therapist appointments, and support groups. It's crazy (no pun intended). I'm enjoying every minute of it though. Still have a rough patch here and there, like Friday was the day from hell, but keeping busy is keeping me motivated to try my best to stay well. I would never have guessed a few months ago that I would even be capable of doing any of these things.

As I said, I'm really pleased for you, and send you my best wishes.

Amber x

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

I hope you are both well and happy.

Yep, it's the same girl that took my car but I wasn't being bad when that happened. She is a top friend to have but I am hesitant about a few things and don't know how long it will last.

We actually first met 20 years ago, through her then boyfriend. We got along well back then and it was great to bump into her again. I have another lady that comes to visit and see how I am. I met the girlfriend through her.

We didn't recognise each other at first, I was introduced to her by her nickname. It's quite strange how it worked out really, considering the chances of me meeting anyone at all.

As far as moving house goes, I had one of my social worker type people ring the landlady for me and get a date for moving as I had not received an official letter. You wouldn't believe it. She said the deal had fallen through and happy to let me stay on here for as long as I want.

I was angry, upset and happy all at once. You know I ended up in two hospitals, an ambulance, and a police car the day after she rang and told me I had 8 weeks to get out. It affected a lot of people for nothing, mainly me.

The psych appointment went ok I guess. I was the usual nervous trembling wreck of a person going outside but got the job done. All the same questions that they always ask.

Its great to hear that going well. I know you like to keep busy as a form of defence so its good that it is working most of the time. Those bad days are always tough but we are tougher so it gets us through when we need it. Don't wear your self down by trying to do to much. Make sure you have some 'chocolate time' for yourself!

As usual my friend, it's great to hear from you again and thanks for posting.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Sorry, it's been a while. I thought I'd check in and see how you are going? I'm not too sure if you are still visiting the forums much anymore?

As much as you were angered by the inconvenience, I'm glad the pressure of having to move is no longer there. I hope that you are happy staying put, and if not, as I said get yourself down to Melbourne:)

How are things with your relationship? It's very uncanny the way you met - or reintroduced yourselves to one another. It's funny how things come our way when we least expect them.

I thought I'd start off small with my website and facebook community, and yet 6 weeks later I have close to 1000 members. I don't think I was prepared for such a response but I'm rolling with it. The more people feeling supported in the world the better. I also wasn't expecting to get into DBT program until next year, and yet I got a surprise phone call to ask me to start at the end of this month. Which is fantastic, as I've been waiting over a year to get in. I think it's good to be spontaneous sometimes and just take what life throws our way. Often it can be good things.

How's the guitar going? Did you end up writing your girlfriend a song? Are you still having loud, wild singing nights? I think we all need a lot more of these in our lives. Time to let your hair down and not worry about what anyone else thinks. I'm reading a book about the gifts of imperfection at the moment, and one of the gifts is the chance to be vulnerable, and how much being vulnerable can bring to your life. It's true, sometimes we can be too guarded, or we try to hard to keep up with the person next to us, and forget all about being human and what that entails. So I'm learning to wade in the swamp of vulnerability and shame, one page at a time:)

I hope that you are doing well, and I do hope to hear back from you.

Amber

PS - You will be ecstatic to hear that I've completely stopped eating chocolate:))

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Its great to hear your doing well and given up chocolate too. I will have to check out your website.

Things were ok for me until yesterday. My new ex-girlfriend found out I was out of money (after taking it all) and told me she didn't feel happy here and was leaving me. She loaded her car and took off.

I was relying on her to pay the bills this fortnight as we were out of food too. I did not need this after the previous breakup that pushed me over the edge and into my illness. She knew that too.

She rang later and told me she was bringing food and open the gate to let her in. She lied and had a guy hiding in the back of her car who proceeded to assault  me in my own home while she grabbed her stuff.

Needless to say I have been left devastated. I am not doing well and trying to get people on the phone right now. My sanctuary from agoraphobia is no longer safe and I don't like it here now. My opinion of people is even worse and I do not want to go anywhere again. I am back to day 1 with my anxiety level. Possibly worse.

My world has been destroyed by letting them in (people) and now I must battle for my sanity and my life. I'm not sure if I have strength to do it all over again. Things look very bleak right now..  

I am terrified of being at home now.

-Aggy.