Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy, 

Just wanted to check in with you. Haven't heard from you for a couple of days. I hope you are ok? 

So hospital is a tad boring. They started to reduce my medication this morning. I have to come off of it completely before I start the new one. Along with this they've ordered blood tests, ECGs, a dietitian to make sure I don't slip back into Anorexia! I'm getting nervous hearing about all the preparation. 

Anyway, I'd love to hear about what you have been up to? 

Amber

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Hope all is going well for you. I kind of wish I was there too as I am having trouble out here. Things are becoming quite difficult.

The world seems to be getting harder to deal with everyday out here right now. I's great to get an update from you as I was worried, and hope its all going better than you hoped.

Please do your best to keep well.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy, 

Good to hear from you! 

Sorry to hear it's been a bit tough for you. Is there an option for you to go back in to hospital for a bit? What's going on on the outside? Have you moved? Are you still getting some extra support? 

The medication change has been ok, I just wake up nauseous every morning which isn't fun. I'm hoping I can go home soon. I just want to be back in my own home. 

Have you been playing guitar much? 

Take care and I look forward to hearing back from you. Don't forget we're here if you need someone to listen. 

AGrace (BB have told me I have to use usernames)

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

I hope you are doing well and get home soon.

My sister has come to visit for 2 days and it is difficult to deal with. I don't mean it the wrong way but I'm used to being on my own. I'm not very good at communicating with people at the best of times, much less when I'm ill.

I am not doing as well as I could be at the moment but should be feeling better soon I hope. As far as going back to the hospital that they threw me in before, I would rather eat broken glass before that happens.

I'm sorry to hear about you feeling sick each day. Hopefully that will pass soon. I know you were worried about the change in meds, but it seems to be going better than you thought it would which is good.

Hopefully you will be home soon, safe and sound.

Stay well.

-Aggy.  

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

I can imagine having someone around would be difficult for you. Does your sister know about you being unwell? Are you able to speak to her about your illness quite openly? It could be a good opportunity to practice being around someone? You do so well chatting here on the forums. You didn't mention the guitar, so I take there hasn't been much opportunity to play? I don't think broken glass is very nutritious, so perhaps no more hospital visits for now. I know that the Psych wards can be pretty awful, having said that they're useful when you aren't well enough to be on your own.

The medication change has gone much better than expected. Only a few symptoms from withdrawing, and just the nausea with the new medication. I've had a couple of unhelpful thoughts and a few sad moments, but I'm managing these quite well. I'm scheduled to go home Tuesday:)) I can't wait so I can get back into my normal routine, and sleep in my own bed.

You didn't answer all of my questions from a few posts back so I thought I'd include them again here. But of course, you only have to reply if you feel like it.

That's great that you made a friend during your stay. Are you keeping in contact? Or was it more just support while you were in?

Did you hear from the housing assistance?

Are you still taking medication now that you are out of hospital? Are you still getting some of the supports post hospital discharge?

Good luck with your sister:)

AGrace

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

I hope this message finds you well, safe and happy.

The friend I made was just for the day in hospital. I mainly just woke up for meds and slept the rest of the time.

My sister knows all about it, that's why she came up from Melbourne. She is coming back next week to help pack up my stuff. Just as well as I have had no support from the authorities and have no idea of how to get through this moving house business. My sister is going to the real estate, community health and others today for me to get help. She is a good sister.

I am taking more meds than ever now I'm out of the hospital and seem to be in daze all the time. I fall over sometimes and have trouble remembering stuff. I fall asleep in the chair often. I am going to speak to the GP about it soon.

I know it seems I speak well on here but it takes me a long time to type out a post, having to concentrate on one thing takes me ages. I have not been playing a guitar as much because of this concentration thing. I seem to forget the riffs and get frustrated. 

I have been typing this message for 40 minutes already.

I'm glad you are able to keep on top of the bad thoughts and doing ok. With luck you will be home tomorrow and feeling better. I hope so anyway.

Thanks for posting, it's great to hear from you and I'm sure there are others here like me thinking of you getting home soon safe and sound.

Let us know when you get home.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

To Amber.

I am up and wide awake & it's early in the morning. Stupid anxiety!

I am not going very well at all and struggling to fight the demons, but would like to think I am coping better than some others here who my heart goes out to. I wish I could make everyone on BB get well with some type of miracle.

Mental illness is so hard to deal with at times and I just want us all to get better. I think we should not give up hope, and try to concentrate hard on recovery and not just let ourselves be consumed by our various illnesses.

Easier said than done I am well aware. Some days are difficult I know.

Today is the big day for you and I hope that you can go home without delay. I have been counting down the days with you and want to hear from you when you get home where you will be happier and feeling better.

I am trying very hard to be positive while going through a very tough time and hoping to inspire others (and myself) to not give up.

looking forward to hearing from you when you get home and I hope that you are doing ok when you read this post.

-Aggy.

[Raindrop]

Hi Aggy and AGrace (I'll use usernames since I haven't posted before)

I want to say your both amazing. Aggy you make me want to drive 15 hours just to give you some chicken soup and tell you that your totally worth the effort. Just reading your posts I can see that your an absolutely kind and loving soul who has had an extremely rough time of things. Did the agoraphobia start early on in life or was it triggered later on? Also I know this may sound weird but have you also considered testing your vitamin levels? - I found out I was extremely low on vitamins D and B (the stress eats up your B reserves and the lack of sunlight was affecting my D) and just taking supplements has helped quite a lot - I hope if you manage to try it that it helps you too. Keep up the hard work and if you feel yourself struggling to make it through a day or a situation please know that we really care about you and we want you to ask us for help.

AGrace - your a beautiful person and I'm so glad you have a partner who can also appreciate that about you. keep doing what your doing and keep posting about your successes and your challenges- it actually helps more people than you realise.

Myself - I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression but I know I suffer from bouts of it quite regularly - case in point I am up at 3am unable to sleep because there are too many fears and guilty thoughts running around in my head, I definitely over-think my situations and believe that everything will fall apart around me because I haven't done something.... and usually I only remember that something when I'm trying to sleep. Grrr....

I wish you both (and all the rest of the BB forum) the best in coping with your struggles. I hope you know that no matter what your brain is trying to tell you - it's wrong and there are people who want to see you get better and feel hopeful.

Lots of E-hugs!

Raindrop

p.s. I tend to be quite bad at replying to things - please don't think it's that I don't care - I do, I just have the attention span of a gnat... ADHD is a pain but I'll do my best to check in regularly and post encouragement.

[AGrace]

Hi Raindrop,

Welcome to the forums. What a beautiful and heartfelt post. Thank you for your kind words.

I think we all love the early morning wake ups. Most often I draw when I get up that early. It's the one of the things that keeps me calm and focuses my attention on something other than my thoughts if I can't sleep. The old "I wish I could sleep, why can't I sleep?" Has been tried and tested without success:)

I love your username. It made me think of Melbourne (where I live) immediately. It seems even in spring there's rain on the windows and dewdrops on the grass. Now I wish I'd been more creative with mine. I get so many people thinking it's "Amazing Grace"...but it's not even that special.

Is there a reason why you haven't been diagnosed? You mentioned in your post that you have ADHD, so I'm guessing that you see a Dr? Do you take medication for this? My nephew has ADD, he's only 7 so he's just started on medication and he sees a child Psychologist. It's really working for him which is good.

You're 100% spot on. If only our thoughts were true, then when we believed them we wouldn't have to do so much work not to.

15hrs to get to Aggy, where are you from? Am I any closer? I love chicken soup! Have you read the book Chicken Soup for the Soul?

I look forward to hearing more from you on the forums, and I'm happy to send you a virtual Melbourne Macchiato whenever you need. Take Care x

AGrace

[AGrace]

My Dearest Aggy,

I came to your thread to check in and see how you are going, only to find that someone else has joined your discussion, which is lovely, and that for some reason my most recent reply to you wasn't posted, not so lovely:( Sorry, I don't know why that's happened.

Anyway, How are you? I like the way you've got the ladies falling at your feet. My goodness, offerings of chicken soup, what will be next? I'm only joking, I live closer to you, and if I could I'd bring you a nice, warm hot chocolate with marshmallows:))

So up at 3am, how is your sleep going now? Is your sister back with you yet? Have you moved? Where are you moving to? Is it nearby your old place? I can imagine that all the change must be stressful for you.

Even early in the morning, you made such positive comments about mental health. I like that you're not giving up hope. There is more to life than mental illness.

Have you had a chance to play your guitar? What else has been happening?

Yes, I'm definitely back home. I feel so guilty now, I wish I'd known my post didn't work. You've probably been thinking that I've been responding to everyone else and not you. Or hey, maybe you haven't been thinking of me at all - and that's perfectly fine too. I'm doing better. I started to dip a bit when I got home, but it was good that I recognised this. The anxious thoughts were creeping back in, and I cried a few times for no valid reason. I saw my regular Psychiatrist yesterday, believe it or not we had a 1.5hr discussion about toilets and bowel movements!! (Glad I'm paying her the big bucks) Anyway, she's increased the dose of my antidepressants and if the nausea settles down over the next week then she'll increase the dose of the new antipsychotic.

This week has been pretty busy since coming home. Tuesday I had my parents here (joy) just because they didn't want me to be alone on my first day back. Wednesday I spent a lot of the day on the forums trying to catch up on what's been happening, and then I had to do housework and grocery shopping and stuff. Yesterday I spent the afternoon at my friend's place. She has 3 kids under 4 so I help her out once a week so she doesn't go insane. Today I had some things to do in prep for starting the counselling course next week, and then I've spent some time on the forums and on my website. Looking forward to a somewhat relaxing weekend.

Can't wait to hear back from you. I really hope you are ok.

Amber