Can anyone Help me?

[fluffybunny]

I guess I'll start at the beginning.

Husband has a group of three friends he's very close to (1 couple and another male friend) who make me feel anxious every time I'm around them. I've spent 2 years trying to fit in with them, I feel I've only ever been kind and giving to them, I invite them around for dinner or drinks often, I help them wherever I can, because I want to get along with them, for all our sakes. I just don't fit in with them though, I'm very different- they're all into music in a big way, I prefer cooking. They're into music festivals and smoking marijuana, I've never even smoked a cigarette and i've been to 1 festival- I prefer shopping and pampering!

 So when they come over, particularly the female- I feel anxious. I want to be this girls friend, and have invited her out to lunch, to hang out etc. just so I can get to know her, but I feel our relationship is superficial, and she speaks down to me.  

 so...Husband and I are trying for our first child, we've been trying for about 6 months and had a

miscarriage in October last year which nearly broke me. and 5 days before Christmas last year, on the afternoon of our annual christmas party that we host for all our friends she comes over to our house to tell us she's pregnant. I exclaimed I was ecstatic for her and gave her a hug and fussed over her. But inside I was broken. When she left I fell off the rails, I threw everything on the kitchen bench on the floor, I burst into tears, my heart was breaking.

 Fast forward a couple of weeks, husband and I are pregnant again (I'm currently 5 weeks) and this week I had a large

bleed, I called husband as work straight away, it tears and he rushed me to emergency, the results are basically inconclusive and I just have to watch and wait. But on the day I had the bleed- this girl and her boyfriend announced their pregnancy on Facebook. I want to be happy for her, and I keep telling myself I am, but inside I'm screaming. I've done everything right- I gave up drinking, I've taken folate for a year, everything, and she's had her own troubles conceiving which isn't fair on her, but she's still smoking and drinking! 

I feel so angry- I don't know at what, or at who, but my chest is all tight just writing this and

I just feel so anxious. we're going camping with them next week, I don't know how I'll cope for 4 days. It doesn't help I'm still waiting on results for our baby. Can anyone help me?

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[Beltane]

Hello. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. A miscarriage is a dreadful thing to suffer- and your fears regarding this pregnancy are completely understandable. I can't imagine how anxious and upset you must feel.

I encourage you to get in touch with beyondblue on the phone line- you can talk to a professional counsellor about your feelings. I also encourage you to speak to your doctor. He can arrange for you to get Medicare funded trips to a therapist. I think it would be very helpful for you to talk to a therapist about all these things that are going on for you right now- your pregnancy troubles, your troubles with your husbands friends, your anxiety and sadness over everythings thats happening.

I suggest perhaps for now you focus on you and what is healing and supportive to you. I think its nice to be polite and welcoming to your husbands friends but you dont have to actually be best friends with them too. Especially now, when you've got much else going on- this time is for you and your husband to support each other, and work together. Perhaps you could ask to postpone the camping trip- maybe a camping trip isn't the best in your condition, maybe you should rest at home.

Right now i think its more important that you turn your energy towards yourself. Concentrate on what makes you feel good. Do you have family or a friend who is a true friend to you (not your husbands friends). You could find a support group for women with pregnancy issues, or a therapist to support you. Therapy would really help I think. If you have any nice relaxing hobbies you have- reading, or sewing, or art or whatever it is that YOU find relaxing.

When this horrible anxious time has passed, then you can turn your energy towards the next thing. If making new friends is important, you could use Meetup.com or Google to find womens groups that share your interests (eg coffee meetup groups that go shopping) and make new friends that way. Your husband can have his friends, and you can have yours. Dont waste your time trying to be friends with people who make you feel the way you do- all you have to do is be nice to them.

I really hope you find the support you need in this difficult time, and of course i hope your pregnancy goes well.

keep in touch