I can't untangle my mind

[HelenM]

My sleep is causing me a problem. But in reality it's all about my memories regarding horrendous sleep problems 13 years ago when I was first ill. So, I'm having problems sleeping because I'm scared of all those memories. I'm dealing with it much better than all those years ago, so I should realise from that how different things are. But other fears are jumping on the bandwagon. Friends tell me it's a spell that will go. It came for no reason and it will settle. Meanwhile I wonder if I'm becoming psychotic - I've never had psychosis, and then I worry that I think I'm psychotic and that will ruin my life. Crazy thoughts, all saying your life is ruined. I've had terrible fears before but not concerning a return to my sleep problem or thinking I'm psychotic. What's happening in my head?

[Doolhof]

Hi Helen,

It sounds to me like your mind is running away with itself and you have forgotten how to turn on the brakes to stop it.

I certainly have that problem now and then. If I am over tired, stressed or more depressed for some reason, the mind just has a wonderful time thinking up all kinds of stuff.

If the thoughts start out to be negative, then I find negativity feeds negativity, and the more I don't like it, the more negative the thoughts become!

You need to find a way to stop the thoughts, or at least to recognise they are only thoughts, and they can be changed!

Read a really engrossing book, my brain certainly can't read a book and think negatively at the same time.

Maybe a visit with the Dr might help, to discuss how you are feeling and see if they have any solutions for you.

Maybe you could write down all the thoughts you have then look back at them and consider how real or rational they actually are.

I hope some of this helps! All the best to you with conquering the brain. From Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear Helen

Very interesting post you’ve posed here.   That’s a big problem I think – what happens when we fall asleep and do the old ‘unconscious’ thing.  While we sleep, our mind though possibly sleepy, still continues to churn away.  And this is when dreams happen (or nightmares).  Well that’s my play on that anyway.

But for me, I honestly believe that whatever has been happening to me lately and I’ve been either concerned about or have been happy about – that can lead to where my dreams may take me.  But also, if things have been kind of quiet on the ‘home-front’ for me, then I will dream of things long passed and be at places where I grew up – like on or around my Dad’s farm.

So yes, memories of things past can happen as well.    I don’t think you’re becoming psychotic, but hey, I’m just a fellow sufferer and have no professional quals in anything – although I do have a certificate for completing the 25m freestyle at school (very proud of that) – if only I could find where it was !!!

I’m wondering if you can perhaps try some kind of different routine of an evening?    Hmmmm, but what?    A comedy to watch?   Either movie or even something on the computer?   A book to read.  I won’t go on with this as (a) you may have already tried this;    (b)  you have an idea of other things you could try;  or (c) nope, I can’t think of a (c).

But as always, I do look forward to hearing back from you.

Neil

[HelenM]

Thanks Neil and Mrs Dools for your posts,

I read in a post by Beltane to someone else that you should never listen to your depression whether it be true or not. I had forgotten that I'm not on speaking terms with my depression. Remembering that helps me a bit.

There are things that have happened in my life recently and over this episode so far. I tried to type it all out and I can't. It confuses me. So I'll put points down and I hope people can make sense of it.

1. On NEw Years Eve I visited a man I know who is in the secure unit of the pasychiatric unit  as he can be violent. He gave me a very expensive ring as he said I was a special person. I told the nurse who said to eventually return it and that it was worth a lot of money.

2 On the Sunday before Christmas a guy I knew from a self help group was killed in a mototbike crash. He was a lovely guy who'd only just got his life back after years of suffering.

3 Many years ago I was told by someone that my depression was caused by evil in me (not my fault she said) and I'd benefit from exorcism. I memntioned it at my crochet group and someone said that was true.

4 On Tuesday I'd become so obsessed by the ring that I took a taxi to the hospital and returned it.

5 For years the stigma of depression didn't really get to me. A couple of months ago I had a letter in the paper re stigma and at my crochet group the same woman (who is very nice) said that in all areas people should keep their private life private and then someone asked me why I'd written the letter and I realise I couldn't say to raise awareness - it wouldn't make sense.

6 Yesterday I had an arguement with my husband. it sorted out but theses thing  can be upsetting.

7 Stigma. I don't know why I.ve felt free of it for 13 years. In the early days I didn't what people thought the pain was so bad. Over the years my episodes have only lasted a few months. This episode is going on and one relative has suggested in a nice way, that I should pull myself together. Someone at the charity shop said to the manager that I went on about my depression (she's right I do, or did).

None of this causes my depression but it doesn't help. On Tuesday all I could think was that I was a failure. And right now I feel it.

What is good though I don't feel positive just now is that I'm starting a Mindulness course tomorrow..

Thanks for reading, Helen

[geoff]

dear Helen, I realise that yo have posted many times, but please forgive me in that my memory has gone awash.

From what has been said is it possible that you are suffering from PTSD, which affect your thoughts while you are sleeping.

I won't say any more at the moment because this may or may not be a viable cause, but with this illness it can lay aside for years but then something happens which then reignites it all again, and we have no way of knowing how to cope with it.

I'm sure that some people would believe that there is an evil spell cast upon you, and these people could be religious and that's why centuries ago it was believed to be true, however I'm not religious at all and don't possibly think that way at all, because the simple reason is that by taking antidepressants someone's depression will go away, and I'm talking in general terms here.

Big digression here, but perhaps you could get back to us about the possibility of being PTSD. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Helen

Thank you for your latest response.

With regard to the ring, did you actually return it to the man, in person?  Or did one of the nurse’s give it back to him?  A very lovely gesture by him, but again, I’d feel a bit weird about being given something like that – so at least by it being returned, you don’t have that issue weighing over you.  Do you feel better for returning it?

I’m sorry to hear about the guy who lost his life after the motorbike crash – tragedy just seems to strike anytime & anywhere.

Depression is caused from what I believe is an imbalance of the right kind of chemicals being (or not being) produced in our brains & as a result, it plays havoc with our thought processes & minds & this person was very correct in saying that it’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault that your (& so many others) brain doesn’t create the right amount of chemical to allow us to function, um, dare I say it, ‘normally’.  Because just what IS normal?   I’d be very sceptical of anyone who is saying that an exorcism is something that you’d benefit from – I think these people have been watching too much of the very excellent series, ‘Supernatural’.

Helen, may I ask, do you feel that you are getting benefits out of going to the crochet group?

Disagreements/arguments can be very stressful – confrontational aspects are always hard to deal with.  I find that it can be very hurtful & hard to deal with.  Then when it’s over, you often think of all the things you could have said;  but it’s always well after the fact & too late.

Having “pull yourself together” suggested to you is about as helpful as putting an ashtray on a motor bike.  Neither thing works & you find the people who do make these comments (to be fair, in most cases they really are trying to help) just have no idea about how depression works.

Helen, it’s great that you’re able to unload about your depression, but I think there are times & places that it’s better to do so.  Eg:  a place where you’re unsure about who is listening, etc – I wouldn’t be unloading anything.  I can unload here, to a degree at home, sometimes to “some” friends.  Definitely with my doc & my psyches.  You need to pick your audience for who to let know – but in the right place, the right time, etc, it’s a very beneficial thing to do.

Out of characters.

Hear from you soon.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen

It's ages since we talked.  I am sorry that you are having a rough time.  It is so daunting to be OK one minute and falling over the cliff the next moment.

I have not been on this site much lately. My doctor increased my ADs saying I was more depressed than she had realised. Well actually, she increased the amount, marveled at the result and then said I was more depressed than she thought. The higher amount seems to cleared my mind in the most amazing fashion and I feel so much more positive.

The down side is that I am having a huge number of dreams. Mostly I wake up with unclear memories of the dreams which is frustrating because I like to ponder them and work out the meaning. I am sure that these dreams are all about my previous life or experiences and I really want to remember them even though I know they are scary.

When I work out what the dreams are telling me I can act on them. Sometimes I am telling myself something about me that needs to change, sometimes about other people, sometimes  things that have happened but the perspective has changed. Sometimes I have no idea what I am saying to myself.

The point is not to be scared by dreams. The dreams themselves cannot harm you. It is the content because it can revive memories you want to leave undisturbed. Have you considered that your mind is saying it's time to deal with some of the past? In meditation I find things things come up and I look at them briefly and they subside until after a while they have come and gone a few times and I have dealt with them, though I am unsure exactly how. I suspect it is partly because I can look even for a short time that they gradually lose their power over you.

Trust me, I am no psych of any persuasion, but I have learned to embrace my dreams look for their meaning. Yes it was scary but even that power has diminished, although when I wake up I sometimes feel hot and bothered, so to speak.

Anyway, I will leave you with that thought.  I do hope things become less intense.

Mary

[HelenM]

Thank you for your replies. I don't suffer from PTSD Geoff though I have wondered. For sure I was traumatised by my first depression. I've never got over the horror. I've been told that this isn't an unusual problem with people who have been through an especially bad experience of depression but I think that even though it's not PTSD I must have elements of it and it's triggered when my depression finds a weak point in my mind.

I really love my crochet group Neil and I think that added to me being upset. Normally everything is fine there and I really hope it continues that way. And I have so very much decided to be more careful who to open up to. I have enough good people around me, very much including all you lovely people on here, So I shall see it as a lesson learnt.

Today I was at my friend's funeral. It was torrential rain and so cold (it's Winter in Scotland) and was a graveside funeral. Gerry was a biker and died in a motorbike accident. About 30 fellow bikers came behind the hearse and it seemed both fitting but so sad.

Today I started my mindfulness course. It lasts for eight weeks and I'll give it my best shot.

Mary, usually I really enjoy my dreams. I have lots of them and very vivid. I do have one recurrent dream and if you can explain it please do. In it various members of my family, Mum, Dad, brothers, sisters, are with me and we're all rushing to get a plane. I'm always struggling to get there - I haven't packed my clothes or I've lost my ticket or something else. My family are urging me on - the dream always ends before the journey.

Anyway I hope you are all doing well. I feel very cared for on this site - thank you,  Helen

[Doolhof]

HI Helen,

Thanks for sharing your journey here. It would be wonderful if we could all conquer our depression/stress/anxiety and be healed for ever of these insidious diseases and all their unpleasant side effects!

I am wishing you well with the mindfulness sessions. I am currently working through some Stress related material on line. It would be beneficial to be able to do it in a group as well, to bounce off ideas and theories.

Groups of any sort can have their interesting moments. I hope the crochet group goes okay in the future. Some people just don't "get" depression and related illnesses.

It is great isn't it having the help and support of "friends" and fellow sufferers here at BB.

Wishing you all the best, from Mrs. Dools

[HelenM]

Hi Mrs Dools

I hope your stress work that you're doing is going well. I tend to think that whatever we do helps us a wee bit more, even if it's only the 'good' we feel for making the effort. Session one if Mindfulness was fine and hopefully I will get some benefit. Oh but what a journey this illness is. If all my effort led to academic achievement I would be a Proffesor by now!

Take care, Helen