- Beyond Blue Forums
- Mental health conditions
- Anxiety
- Can't face going to work, but worried what happens...
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Follow
- Printer Friendly Page
Can't face going to work, but worried what happens if I quit
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
I was diagnosed with anxiety about 18 months ago, but now see that I've been struggling with it for years without knowing it.
I'm having a particularly bad few weeks, especially the last few days. I went back to work after Christmas on Monday and while objectively nothing REALLY bad happened I was in tears when I got home. I'm an English as a second language teacher and it seemed the students (young adults) were just really disengaged and didn't want to be there, they grumbled and moaned about getting on their feet to do activities that are supposed to help bring up the energy. I was paranoid some were laughing at me. I know it was the first day back for them as well and they're only human, but I still feel very much like it's down to me.
I only retrained and started teaching last year and this is a new class, so I am trying to be kind to myself in that it's a new career and I'm still finding my feet, but right now I'm just struggling to get from one day to the next. I called in sick yesterday and today. During lessons there isn't really any 'down time' to have a moment - the nature of the job is that you're in front of the class leading things every day.
I'm thinking about quitting, which would be a short term relief, but then comes with money worries and probably looking for a new job. I'm not sure I'm eligible for much in the way of benefits. It would also feel like a bit of a failing, given that my wife and I only recently put a lot of time, money and effort into retraining me for a new career that we hoped would suit me better.
I spoke to my wife about it and she's generally really supportive and tries to help me see things more objectively and not be so down on myself. But when it got to the point where I confessed I wasn't sure I could carry on with the job she is quite worried both about me and about the future - money, rent, bills, all that stuff in the short term, whether we'll be able to save for a house, have kids etc in the longer term. I feel like I'd be letting her down when she's been so supportive and given me money for retrainig, to cover the rent while I was looking for a teaching job etc.
I've had two sessions with a physchologist at the end of last year, but she's away until the end of Jan. So I'm seeing my GP this afternoon, although I'm not sure really what I'm expecting her to do.
I don't really know what replies/advice I'm expecting either, other than to get this off my chest.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
There's a lot of hope to hang on to. 18 months isn't a long time to be diagnosed- you're still really getting a hang of your head and how to cope with what's going on. Especially as you've only had 2 sessions with your psych...
Ok it sucks now. It really does. But it won't be like this forever. There are very effective medications to ease symptoms, and theraoy is wonderful at creating long term changes to your coping strategies, your confidence and self esteem, and your overall mood and anxiety.
you became an ESL teacher for a reason yes? Was it just for money or is there something about it you like? Desire to help, teach, inspire?
Unfortunateky young adults (any people really) can read body language, perhaps they see you going in there acting all shy and nervous, so they don't respect you. Perhaps you could work on strategies with your therapist on how to exude confidence, knowledge and a touch of humour to make them connect with you and respect you.
it is one of the worst parts about anxiety is that it's like a voice constantly telling you that you aren't any good, people are laughing at you, you're a failure- BLAH BLAH BLAH. These are just words- they're the twisted warped words of an ILLNESS. it doesn't even matter of they're true (don't waste time trying to decide if something is true....) those thoughts aren't helpful.
now of your therapist doesn't suit you you can always find another. You should know after two sessions if she/ he "gets you" and makes sense to you. If you don't feel that understanding, move on, I do a theraoy called Acceotance and Commitment Therapy which worked such wonders I recommend it to everyone. (I also did 2 years of CBT, so I do have a framework of comparison).
there's a book called "the happiness trap" be Dr Russ Harris I highly recommend, it's the only theraoy book that didn't make me roll my eyes. It's wobderful, the strategies in the second half are wonderful.
its all about learning to identify what your true values, morals and desires are and gaining the coping skills, behavioural skills and life skills to act in accordance with those- instead of what your anxiety wants. You don't argue or ignore the anxious voice- instead you learn to remove its power, to recognise it for what it is, and live your life to the fullest.
your partner sounds like she's good support, Im sure she'll keep supporting you through this next challenge. It gets better, I promise. (Mine did!!!)
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi TJE
Anxiety/depression are horrible. As Beltane says they tell us all sorts of nasty stuff (and I'm personally grateful to Beltane for reminding me of that. I've been believing loads of upsetting stuff these last few days).
There is lots of really good help meds wise and therapy wise. A Course that is highly recommended is Mindfulness. I'm about to start that and hope it will help with coping strategies.
Beltane has given you lots of good advice and I'm sure other people will advise.
Take care, Helen
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Thanks so much for the replies.
Aa an update, my GP (who is wonderful) prescribed some meds to help deal with the current acute symptoms (calm me down almost immediately) as well as some longer term meds to work on the chemical processes in the brain, and I'll continue the therapy to try and change patterns longer term. I've been signed off work for the rest of the week and hope to go back on Monday. So yeah, things weren't as black and white i.e. do I force myself in to work everyday feeling terrible or do I quit and have money worries. There are other options and I'm glad I found the strength and honesty to see my GP.
Beltane - you're right about the career change. I've had easier jobs that pay more but Teaching ESL ticks a lot of boxes in the things that are important to my interests and values - working with language, helping people etc. The frustration is that we've put a lot of time, money and effort into retaining me and I've been struggling with it to the point where I wanted to quit. I'm 34 so my wife and I are stating to talk about saving for a house, whether/when we'll have kids and all that. I don't know how many times I can 'start again' with a mew career.
The answer, I think, is that it's only partly the job. i can try to be kind to myself and remember I'm new at this and I'm learning as I go - it's just that when you're standing in front of a class and you don't know what comes next or what the grammar rule is, it's hard to find the self confidence to do that,
This is actually my second time in therapy and the last lot of sessions really helped. At that time I was anxious about an office admin/database support job. That helped for a while and when I was let go from that job (I was only ever casual) I was actually really positive and took it as an opportunity to retrain and do something that matters to me.
I went back to the GP when I'd been unemployed for a couple of months after the course and running out of money. That's when I was referred for another course of therapy, but because I was struggling but broadly functioning (actively looking for work, getting interviews) we decided against meds at that time.
In short, although the new teaching job is very difficult, my anxiety wouldn't go away if I quit. Not liking a boring job, being unemployed, struggling with confidence and workload at a job you hope will be your long term career might all exacerbate things but are only anxiety in different clothes.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Good on you TJE for being so proactive and seeing your GP. As you say, it's not a choice of "quit or don't quit but keep having the anxiety- there's the third option which you have taken of don't quit, but treat the anxiety.
One of the most helpful things I've found was getting educated (by your therapist) on what your anxiety does to you. For example, what you're doing now is you're having a hard time adjusting to a new job and an anxiety disorder, but your mind has jumped ahead to "omg I'm going to have to quit, and what about my wife, we need to save for a house and kids and its all a disaster". Thsts called "catastrophic thinking". Calmly and gently remind yourself that there are many factors at play, and many possible outcomes- most much more likely than the catastrophe you're focusing on. When you are calm ,work through strategies (with your therspist) to ensure a positive outcome is reached, so as to prevent the catastrophe.
Also, remind yourself that "future you" can deal with tomorrow's problems. You can only deal with so much, so let today you deal with today, and when you find yourself going "how can we buy a house" think, when that time comes I'll have much more therapy under my belt and be much better at handling anxiety, so I'll have the skills I need to deal with it then.
The anxious mind likes to tell us mean things, as I said before. One of the techniques I learned in ACT and in "the happiness trap" book was to "identify the story". Eg your mind says "you're a failure". You immediately identify it and say "oh look, it's the "I'm not good enough" story come to visit, hello story." Not in a sarcastic or angry way, just in a way that recognises the anxiety story what it is- an anxiety story. Not truth, not fact, just a story.
By learning to see it for what it is, you can remove its power over you. Instead of being at mercy of it's every word, and agreeing with its mean stories, over time you can learn to free yourself from its hold on you so when it comes along and says something mean, you can just calmly say "that's ok, you're a story, you can't hurt me, I'm going to go about my day anyway".
I often like to picture my anxiety as a toddler with a temper tantrum- if you argue with it or give in to it, it learns that it has that power over you and keeps on having more temper tantrums, but if you learn to just acknowledge it calmly "I hear you" but go about what you want to do anyway, it loses its power,
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Thanks again for the helpful replies, it means a lot.
While we didn't get too much into the terminology I think my last course of therapy was broadly CBT based - I'd write down my thoughts during the week, then we'd discuss now likely/rational they were, whether I was thinking like I could read other people's minds, whether there is much evidence etc etc. And also whether those thoughts were helpful.
So I have leant some techniques although I didn't keep up the writing when I was feeling reasonably well, it's just right now I'm in the eye of the storm a bit and I haven't been able to be as objective about things - I can see a thought is catastrophising, that there are other factors in play as well as what I'm doing, but at the time it feels very convincing. Meds are helping just to calm me down a bit.
It a very useful point you make, Beltane, that "future me" can deal with future problems. If I look after myself now and day to day, I'll be in a much better position to be more stable and reliable and do all that proper 'grown up' stuff 😉
My wife and I both said at the end of last year 'we need to start saving now if we want to buy a house in four years' time, so lets talk about it in the New Year.' Well, the New Year came and I couldn't get out of bed without crying.
Of course it turned out there was a third option of staying at work with a rest and meds but talking to my wife about it I could only be honest about what I was feeling/thinking at the time and said i didn't know if I could carry on with the job. Understandably I think that freaked her out a bit because it affects all that stuff we'd been talking about doing together.
Everyone, whether they have a particular mental health issue or not, wants predictability and control and I guess it seemed was taking those away from her in that it seemed whatever plans we made or responsibilities we take on, her partner could one day be unable to function.
It's helpful to look at it as 'thinking short term is thinking long term' i.e. only by looking after myself today do I have a chance of being well in the future. Rather than 'if I just try and drag myself though it being miserable I'll somehow find myself with a house and three kids and boat in five years time'.
I don't even want a boat 😉
Thanks again all.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Wow TJE, be very proud of yourself as you seem to have excellent insight I to yourself, you try to see how your wife thinks so you can support her as she supports you, you're really giving it a try and that's the most important bit.
Dont get stuck into thinking that you'll always be like this. As you say- work on yourself today to make sure tomorrow you reaches his goals. Today you are working on your anxiety. Maybe next month youll feel better about yourself and your job and you'll be in a position to start putting money in one of those high interest accounts so you can save for a home. Sometimes you need to reconsider your goals- like maybe a more affirdable home in the outer suburbs rather than an expensive one, you know?
I I used to be so bad every day was different- every hour was different actually. If be ok, then sad, crying, panicking, amxious, then irritable and angry... Acute anxiety is asexual. That was 3 years ago, when I finally accepted my diagnosis and got treatment. I firmly believed that Id never get married or have a home or kids- even though i desperately wanted all those things. I just thought "how can I have any of those things, when my anxiety is so bad I can't hold down full time work, or a healthy relationship".
but I got treatment and theraoy and steadily, slowly, surely it got better. At times it was two steps forward, one step back. At times something stressful would happen and is go back 10 steps. But I cherish my therapist, and meds j went on a couple of months ago have really settled me down.
In those three years, I've changed careers and am still at TAFE, am in a very healthy happy long term relationship, got wonderful hobbies that give me satisfaction and achievements... My mood is stable now, my anxiety almost gone...
now I know I'll totally rock my new career, I'll be an awesome wife and mum, I'm plenty stable enough to hold down jobs. I work on preventative measures- catch a problem sooner so it doesn't get bigger etc.
i talk often now with my partner about how excited and positive I am about all those big adult things that will happen to us soon.
if I can go from where I was to where I am now, you can too'
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Thanks again for all the replies everyone - they're a massive help.
I've prepared my lessons for tomorrow and will be going back to work. Still nervous, still don't really want to go but feel I'm going to be able to manage it.