Anxiety, OCD, paranoia and depression

[Rosie]

I am a 63 years old spinster who has a few mental health problems to say the least. They include anxiety, OCD, paranoia, depression, agoraphobia, social phobia, hyper-sensitivity and suicidal thoughts to begin with.  I have been isolated for decades with no friends or contact with my family, which is my fault as I have isolated myself and I don't want to be a burden. They once told me I'm very depressing and negative which is probably true. I find it very difficult to connect with people because I mistrust them and over think everything they say to the point I am left exhausted.  I'm on medication and it helps with my OCD but nothing else, and like many others, cannot afford counselling.  I retired in 2019 as I had a breakdown at work due to bullying.  I have no self confidence, and see myself as repulsive.  I only leave my house once a week to food shop and I cover my face with a large hat and wear sunglasses and have headphones on to try and hide. I wish I knew how to enjoy life on my own but have been made to feel such shame and guilt.  I'm also being bullied by my neighbours who play cruel jokes on me so I often ring Lifeline when it gets really bad.  In Feburary they set off fireworks right outside my house which terrified me as the sparks landed in my front yard and roof also they like to tip my wheelie bins over.  I've never bothered any of them but they are a small gang of four roughly the same age as me but unlike me they are very social.  I can't remember the last time I felt safe and happy.  Sorry but I'm feeling very overwhelmed with life.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Rosie,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I am so deeply sorry your going through so much right now..

I can relate to isolation and not going outside of your home very much…A few years back when I joined these forums, I was very similar to you…only going out when I absolutely had to for groceries…my anxiety and ptsd was the main cause I went through that…It’s sad to hear your going through that as well….I’m so sorry sweetheart….

My isolation landed me in a mental health care hospital for 6 weeks….after that I talked to my Dr and she organised for someone (care support worker) to come to my home once a week to take me shopping, Dr appointment and just to take me out sometimes…more for a bit of a social meeting…after around a year, I felt better able to go out on my own…I even volunteered myself to a well know charity shop one day a week, working out back sorting clothes…now I think it’s been about 6 years, I’m working in the shop serving and doing 3 days a week….I’m telling you this because I don’t ever want you to give up hope that things can change for us…also that there is also different help available from our Dr. other then a mental health care plan….maybe sweet Rosie, next time you visit your Dr, if you feel up to it..ask them  about the availability of support workers in your area to help you…Do you think one day, you might consider volunteering for even a day a week….to help you a little bit out of your isolation?…Its okay Rosie if right now it’s too hard for you to even consider….maybe just something to think about for you in the future…

Those people bullying you are not very nice people and should be reported to the police…at their age, Gee they should know better….They might be very social, but in a very wrong way…They are nasty cruel bully’s that need to be held responsible for their actions…

We are here to help support you the best we can dear Rosie…please feel free to talk here anytime you feel up to it…

My kindest thoughts and care…and a very gentle caring hug 🤗…

Grandy..

Do you have anything you like to do, sewing, knitting, reading, music etc…that you could maybe give you a bit of happiness…

[Rosie]

Hi Ggrand

Firstly please accept my apology for referring to you as Grandy. 🫢

Your response was so warm and really made me feel like I exist if you know what I mean.  Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away.  It helps to read about everyone else's problems and as you know I've responded to a few.  It feels good, really good.

I've thought about volunteering but I am scared of working with people as my mental health problems have left me mistrustful of people and I'm very over-sensitive to what people say.  Also living such a solitary life for so long I haven't done anything exciting to talk to people about.  I listen in to conversations and they talk about friends and family and travel etc, so you see you need some sort of narrative drama to converse with people.  I have always lived in a fantasy world since I was 8 years old.  I recently heard it is called "maladaptive daydreaming".  The word "maladaptive" is not encouraging but to me it is like a hobby.

I was sorry to hear of your isolation and stay in a mental health care hospital but it's probably why you show so much empathy to others.  Most people just say:

1. You need a kick up the backside.
2. We all have problems so get over yourself.
3. Take a cup of cement and harden up.
4. Pull your finger out.

Have I left any out? 

I know some people mean well but throw-away lines are not particularly helpful.  Mental health is extremely draining on everyone and unlike a soap opera it isn't cured in a couple of weeks.  I guess we become too negative for people to handle which is why so many of us isolate.

Thank you so much for starting me off on this very worthwhile BB forum.

Warmest regards

Rosie xxx🤎

PS. I love to read and listen to music and of course my maladaptive daydreaming - which I often fall into while listening to music.