Am I the only one?

[Just Sara]

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

[Cornstarch]

No worries, flush it out. Better out than in.

That’s right Dizzy Rascal, as hard as it is some days, there are spiritual/life advantages to a painful childhood.

Sure, it’s not easy to overcome, but some people with very nurturing, wholesome, Brady Bunch childhoods can end up with characters such as you and I have described, because they don’t have the life experience to raise the red flags.

They’re left scratching their heads, “huh, what the hell, is this behaviour acceptable or is this bordering on abuse?” It's new territory for them.

They can’t tell the difference and they are left bewildered.

We can tell the difference.

But they are just some of the worlds population. There are plenty of wonderful people out there to meet and hang with, thank god!

Enjoy the adventures and self-discovery.

Enjoy Tami Simon's voice.

[Just Sara]

Hi Chris;

I took advantage of the research link you posted and viewed the contents. Very interesting stuff! Help seeking behaviour is an interesting term. BB is doing some great work; research is the backbone of any worthy endeavour. I'm proud to be a part of it (Blue Voices member) and contribute when I can.

Your assistance is always appreciated...Dizzy

[Just Sara]

It seems I may have ambushed my own thread with past resentments that needed flushing out. The last week has been eye opening and a reminder of how taking risks to expose my true nature will ultimately bring issues (new and old) up for addressing and closure.

I've re-read all posts and find, although my original queries were based on feeling isolated, it's also the process of letting go of past conceptions/beliefs/experiences, and then re writing the proverbial rule book.

I don't consider myself lesbian, though I did have to deal with some guilt and embarrassment re this. I spoke to my long lost (lesbian) cousin the other night for hours. We touched on the subject of perceptions and pretence. Not all in the gay community believe 'bi' is authentic. Starwolf gave some insight into this using experimentation as a means of knowing what suits. That's a practical suggestion and appreciated.

The talk with my cousin was amazing and revealed some personal insight into my perception of 'me' from inside - out, instead of the outside world taking precedence. It's a complex conception, so I won't go into it here. But what it did for me, was help me identify a fleeting feeling I had recently; 'I exist'.

I've been living my life as a reflection of others; reacting, reflecting and surviving. I've been a sponge absorbing the life force of those who I perceived as important - good and bad. So wanting a woman in my life has challenged me in ways I could never have imagined.

I'm peeling away layers of other people's shit! I guess that's it in a nutshell.

I'm feeling vulnerable today. I should take some time out. I am beyond grateful to those who've contributed to my thread.

Warm and kind thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

You're allowed to be vulnerable Dizzy.

That makes you a Lion Heart.

So many people never allow themselves to feel it.

There is a deep yearning inside of all of us to be a part of something, to be included, to be seen and accepted by a group and a clan. We are tribal beings.

I hope there isn't anyone making you feel not welcome if you swing both ways so to speak, and you don't want them to steal your thunder, in that it would be nice to explore it without the added burden of judgment. But if your mind is like mine, and everyone else's the most brutal judger is yourself.

Unfortunately your situation is not as simple as just coming out. Wouldn't it be lovely if it was. Some people are so blessed, it's humanly impossible to not feel envy at times.

As I said in one of my earlier posts it can bring up some very complex emotions.

I've just got home from a long run in the rain. I was thrashing my little arms and legs, I'm sure I looked mad.

But the rain meant no-one noticed my tears.

Grief is wild Dizzy.

And long.

xxxxxxxxx

[Kazzl]

Hi lovely Dizzy, a big hug to you.

Hun, YOU are authentic, you are you. No-one else can define you. They will try, people always try to define others, to make them fit into their own perceptions of the world. But how they define you, or don't, is not your problem because you can't control it.

And truly, is there ever one definition for anyone? We are all unique jigsaw puzzles whose pieces shift and change shape and make up an the overall picture which itself morphs into different images at different times.

You are a beautiful soul Dizzy.

Kaz

xxx

[Just Sara]

Kaz and Corny; I'm a bit of a mess at present, but wanted to respond. Your support and compassion is accepted and valued with major gratitude.

The term; 'I exist' has levelled me. At birth, I was taken from the womb to a humid crib where I stayed for 10 weeks. (3 and 1/2 mnths preemie) In the late 50's recognition of an infants' psychological well being wasn't high on the list of priorities, like being held or spoken to. I understand now, life was about my surroundings, not my 'presence'.

The addition of trauma's and conditioning fed into an already vulnerable lack of self perception. The rest is history and here I am...grieving my own existence. I get now what empowerment means to me; being acknowledged as an individual, not just a person in the room...an extension of 'them'.

I'll leave it there lovely's. I've also left a post on Staying Well..'Loving Yourself, Your Thoughts Are Welcome'

Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

Oh Dizzy my heart goes out to you. I have a similar wound.

Not just the 50s babe!

The second I was born, I too, was separated from my mother in a mental health hospital due to her schizophrenia being so severe.

So much for knowledge of early life attachment!

Incredible isn't it.

We're just mammals for gods sake.

[Just Sara]

Tonight I have so many words inside of me; this thread has taken some twists and turns, but the destination is still the same...the nature of love..

I wrote a poem; it's called..

Tree...

Young she-child Goddess, sweet, temptation, apple;

Seed of mature branch

Blushing, rouge, open, raw

Bloodless blossom..

Young he-child God, enchanted, wanton, snake;

Seed of strengthened root,

Salted earth, uprising, raw,

Blood fuelled flesh..

Snake and Apple, seed in seed;

Blushing uprising, open blossom, raw..

Snake and Snake, seed on seed;

Salted uprising, blushing flesh, raw..

Apple and Apple, seed with seed;

Salted rouge, blushing blossom, raw..

He-child; She-child; blossoming flesh;

Seed in seed on seed with seed...love's forest..

Amy, Eve, Adam, Steve; love..the tree is me

...Dizzy xoxo

[Cornstarch]

That's so lovely Dizzy,

It certainly is a process isn't it, and you seem to be travelling along though.

It's not easy.

I'm at this very bizarre place where I have to 'come out' not about my sexuality, but about my PTSD, and it is causing me social anxiety. Not something I normally get. I'm quiet with people at first and its been mistaken for shyness but really I'm just figuring them out, you can't shut me up once that's over with.

I had a very embarrassing flashback in a bar about 9 months ago when a women came onto me out of no-where that I wasn't expecting and set off my fear circuitry once and for all. How do you explain that one? I don't have a sexy, heroic story that I am a fire-fighter or saving the world another way.

I hate it.

Someone proposed to someone in the sky via cloud graffiti using an aeroplane here today it said 'Marry Me TT', was that you?

[Just Sara]

Ha ha ha...ah ha ha ha ha, ahhh..

Oh Corny you're amaze-balls!!

No it wasn't me...I'm more creative than that! Please....give me credit!

The perfect way to impress and delight is personal..intimate. The skin is the biggest organ in the body and as such, has great potential for inspiration. It connects to every system and has the capacity to create fire and abandon. Why would I use $1000's on what eludes to distance...separateness?

Mmm...hmm...did that just come out of me? Where has this been hiding? Corn dog! You're bringing out the 'womaaaan' in me..hello!

Nice..yes...nice. Thanks..no really ..thanks;

If I was the one 9 months ago hitting on you in a bar, I would've held your hands up to my face and said; "I'm not going anywhere. Breathe while I smile..it's all going to be fine. I'm here..lean on me."

I guess the thing on BB when it comes to emotional and mental pain, is we don't often talk about pleasure and what that entails. For whatever reason, your post rekindled the 'sexy' and 'closeness' in me. I've missed that. Physical touch cannot be achieved thru a forum, but it's a good way to gently pave the way. I'm so grateful Corn Sparkles...

Have a beautiful evening Mwah!

Dizzy xoxo